Discussion what was it like transitioning into adulthood, struggling with mental health at a young age?

[unrest]

the expectations that some of us had placed when were young is to go to school so we can have a successful career, respect our parents, make friends, and be good kids all around. however, this is almost isn't the case when you're a child of abuse or conflicting mental health. so keeping this in mind, how was it like for you transitioning into adulthood as a child who grew up in an unstable atmosphere? if the instability came from yourself, another family member, financial instability, abuse, etc. how did this affect you to become a "normal functioning adult."

to give some examples and a lil story of my personal experience. i won't be going into full detail but i had a very unstable family life that consisted of all the abuse except sexual. of course, my behavior would change alongside my mental and emotional health. and since these instances kept happening up until i was about 16 (the stage where i had to be very sure of my future and what i would be doing after high school) never felt secure with my family, always moving every year, and financial instability. i'm only 18 but since graduating, can't help but feel so stuck. compared with my peers who had a pretty stable upbringing for the most part. they have jobs, drive around, partying, and go into pretty good colleges. i can't help but feel so behind. the thing is i'm getting stuff done as well, but it's at a very slow pace due to my mental illnesses and factors that are pretty much out of my control. in conclusion, i just feel the things that i grew up with as a kid had permanently affected my way of functioning around basic things such as opening a bank account, seeking out new relationships, going to college, etc.

anywho... wanted to give off how i felt about this and to give a little more context in case anybody was confused with the question. please give your own experiences if you're comfortable / your own thoughts surrounding this. :)

 

[borderline-feline]

The fact that I'm an adult at all feels surreal. I didn't have a plan for any of this because I didn't think that I'd make it this far. Relationships with people can be hellish since I don't know how to properly function. I have BPD because of trauma, so I have a tendency to go all out on trying to prevent people from leaving me and pushing them away in the process.

I can't even drive because of my disability, so I'm extremely limited in what I'm able to do. I'm stuck at a childlike mental age, which makes functioning as an adult impossible.

 

[unrest]

The fact that I'm an adult at all feels surreal. I didn't have a plan for any of this because I didn't think that I'd make it this far. Relationships with people can be hellish since I don't know how to properly function. I have BPD because of trauma, so I have a tendency to go all out on trying to prevent people from leaving me and pushing them away in the process.

I can't even drive because of my disability, so I'm extremely limited in what I'm able to do. I'm stuck at a childlike mental age, which makes functioning as an adult impossible.

i think that was important to bring up too. being a kid and feeling like you weren't going to make it as far as you did and now that you're there, you have to have it all figured out immediately. i relate with being stuck in the child mental age and it's been very hard to get out of without feeling like im going into fight or flight mode. hopefully we dont have to feel this for long. its pretty difficult to tell what the future will hold.

 

[PlasticFace]

Hmm, well I'm not sure if I ever really grew out of that "scared kid" mindset. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a 24/7 panic attack, and want nothing more than a capable adult to tell me what to do. Other times, I'm so disconnected from myself, my reality, that I just sit and rot, like a child would without a parent. I've never been able to remember to eat three meals a day, let alone one meal. I'm terrible at managing money. I feel like a kicked-to-the-curb dog most days.

It's interesting seeing the different effects that our childhoods had on us, though, saddening.

 

[Zegers]

Having a bad environment affects you in several ways, i started to isolate around 19 and that -probably- wouldn't have happened with a good family.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Difficult. I've never recovered. As a teen, I was mostly fine.

 

[gardenofaphrodite]

I feel like a failure amongst my peers. I'm 20. Was pulled in & out of school repeatedly & then finally homeschooled after 8th grade. My education essentially stopped at 8th grade & I think my diploma is fake- but I won't even get into that. I had opportunities for a scholarship & a state funded college opportunity but my family didn't care & pulled me out again anyway. The moment I could legally drive I worked (even before that I was working). Not to save for college, not even allowed to use my money, to pay my family's bills. I never got to plan, I never got the opportunity to enjoy being a teenager, I wasn't allowed to do or go anywhere. I couldn't even go to a book store or anything- I wasn't allowed to see friends I had made, I wasn't allowed travel outside of work. When COVID hit I lost that small sliver of freedom I had from working, & then the constant fear of illness made it all worse.

Later down the line I was stuck with an abusive boyfriend & ended up leaving that relationship, tried to CTB soon after & failed, institutionalized, let out, couple months of mayhem & a lot of bad shit (car totaled/got T-boned, cat died, found out about my really family, my friend moved, etc so much shit). Got with my current partner, moved, 5 months later got evicted after losing my job again. Back at my family's house with my mentally unstable narcissistic mom & my step dad.

I feel like I will never be able to do what I had wanted to do. I will never be able to go to college or get a job that I enjoy. I'll never get enjoy art with the passion I want to, or get to pursue at as a career. I'm drowning in debt & my credit score is so bad I'm really close to calling it quits & going bankrupt. I'm so far behind. Everyday I try to find reasons to live, but it seems every week something else has to pile onto the bullshit I'm already dealing with. I'm in a perpetual state of extreme-stress & I don't know if I can keep doing it, mentally & physically.

I can't enjoy my 20s, I wasn't allowed to enjoy being a teenager, I wasn't allowed to be a kid, I wasn't allowed to do anything. I was parentified at age 10 & have been my mothers emotional & mental punching bag my whole life, forced to be used for venting & disregarding any of my needs or wants. It's really, really frustrating. Everyday I wonder why I haven't offed myself yet. I have so many reasons to. My future is destroyed financially, education-wise as well- there's no point in living when I put it into perspective, but I keep trying to find reasons.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I was delighted. At 18, I moved away from home and escaped from the (suspected) narcissistic family member who had made my life hell. I went to uni. I was scared of course but the feeling of relief to not be around them anymore was incredible.

 

[unrest]

I feel like a failure amongst my peers. I'm 20. Was pulled in & out of school repeatedly & then finally homeschooled after 8th grade. My education essentially stopped at 8th grade & I think my diploma is fake- but I won't even get into that. I had opportunities for a scholarship & a state funded college opportunity but my family didn't care & pulled me out again anyway. The moment I could legally drive I worked (even before that I was working). Not to save for college, not even allowed to use my money, to pay my family's bills. I never got to plan, I never got the opportunity to enjoy being a teenager, I wasn't allowed to do or go anywhere. I couldn't even go to a book store or anything- I wasn't allowed to see friends I had made, I wasn't allowed travel outside of work. When COVID hit I lost that small sliver of freedom I had from working, & then the constant fear of illness made it all worse.

Later down the line I was stuck with an abusive boyfriend & ended up leaving that relationship, tried to CTB soon after & failed, institutionalized, let out, couple months of mayhem & a lot of bad shit (car totaled/got T-boned, cat died, found out about my really family, my friend moved, etc so much shit). Got with my current partner, moved, 5 months later got evicted after losing my job again. Back at my family's house with my mentally unstable narcissistic mom & my step dad.

I feel like I will never be able to do what I had wanted to do. I will never be able to go to college or get a job that I enjoy. I'll never get enjoy art with the passion I want to, or get to pursue at as a career. I'm drowning in debt & my credit score is so bad I'm really close to calling it quits & going bankrupt. I'm so far behind. Everyday I try to find reasons to live, but it seems every week something else has to pile onto the bullshit I'm already dealing with. I'm in a perpetual state of extreme-stress & I don't know if I can keep doing it, mentally & physically.

I can't enjoy my 20s, I wasn't allowed to enjoy being a teenager, I wasn't allowed to be a kid, I wasn't allowed to do anything. I was parentified at age 10 & have been my mothers emotional & mental punching bag my whole life, forced to be used for venting & disregarding any of my needs or wants. It's really, really frustrating. Everyday I wonder why I haven't offed myself yet. I have so many reasons to. My future is destroyed financially, education-wise as well- there's no point in living when I put it into perspective, but I keep trying to find reasons.

this is the perfect example of how much an unstable parent can really fuck over your future whether people like to hear about it or not. i am really sorry that they were a factor to you not being able to live a life that you deserve. you deserve so much more.

I was delighted. At 18, I moved away from home and escaped from the (suspected) narcissistic family member who had made my life hell. I went to uni. I was scared of course but the feeling of relief to not be around them anymore was incredible.

aaahhhh needing this right now. i'm glad that you were able to escape from them, that just sounds freeing in itself.

Hmm, well I'm not sure if I ever really grew out of that "scared kid" mindset. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a 24/7 panic attack, and want nothing more than a capable adult to tell me what to do. Other times, I'm so disconnected from myself, my reality, that I just sit and rot, like a child would without a parent. I've never been able to remember to eat three meals a day, let alone one meal. I'm terrible at managing money. I feel like a kicked-to-the-curb dog most days.

It's interesting seeing the different effects that our childhoods had on us, though, saddening.

it is saddening. i really like how you worded the feeling of rotting without a parent. i always become so envious of the people who have a certain relationship with their mothers that always provide for them no matter the cost. it's painful.

 

[delora]

Ah, I can relate.

It has been difficult and tiring. I definitely don't... feel like an adult at all, and it's weird to think that I'm in my mid-20s. I don't feel like I can handle life's responsibilities like an adult "should" be able to. Most of the time I am moving on autopilot, or too exhausted to complete mundane tasks. If I have to figure anything out, I will always ask for opinions on what I should do because for some reason it's just so hard for me to make decisions on my own.

I also grew up in an abusive environment, one where I was constantly belittled. It resulted in severe anxiety and insecurity, and even years after I've distanced myself it still affects me on a daily basis. I cannot go through with new projects or take steps that could, for example, kickstart my professional life. I'm just stuck and afraid of the unknown. I'm not particularly good at anything, have no useful talents or skills, and currently find little motivation to learn. I know that I am far behind other people my age, as some colleagues and people in general have already achieved so much and I'm moving at a snail's pace — sometimes not moving at all. Haven't even learned to drive. Truth be told, I'm just wasting time.

 

[Dead Ghost]

I didn't really notice it (nor do I think anyone noticed my problems with Asperger's and anxiety), I just didn't fit in and behave like other people.. but I had no problem with that.

Consider that I was born in 1978 and social networks did not become popular until the end of 2000. Everything was very different from now, when I went to the Institute in the 90s, university was an optional subject, but there was no not any kind of social or family pressure to go there to study... I even remember that when they asked for resumes to apply for jobs they explained to me that they asked us to send them by FAX so as not to discriminate against the candidates due to its appearance (candidates' photographs do not appear in the FAX), today this is impossible (if they even ask for video resumes).

I wish they could bring back the time when social skills were not important, nor your image on the net, nor the academic level achieved.. sometimes I understand you younger people who have ASD when you explain your difficulties to fit in today's world .. in the world where I was born and grew up, diagnosing someone with Asperger's was of no importance to anyone. It is in the current era, where everyone is publicly exposed to criticism, that a disorder that really wasn't before becomes relevant.

//

Realment no m'en vaig adonar (ni crec que s'adonés ningú dels meus problemes deguts a l'Asperger i l'ansietat), simplement no encaixava i no em comportava com les altres persones.. però no tenía cap problema respecte això.

Penseu que jo vaig néixer el 1978 i les xarxes socials no es van popularitzar fins a finals del 2000. Tot era molt diferent d'ara, quan jo anava a l'Institut als 90, la universitat era un tema opcional, però no hi havía pas cap tipus de pressió social o familiar per anar-hi a estudiar.. m'enrecordo fins i tot, que quan demanaven curriculums per optar a llocs de treball em van explicar que els demanaven que els hi lliuressim per FAX per no discriminar els candidats per la seva aparença (al FAX no surten les fotografies dels candidats), avuí día això és impossible (si fins i tot demanen videocurriculums).

Tant de bó torni l'època on les habilitats socials no eren importants, ni la teva imatge a la xarxa, ni el nivell académic assolit.. a vegades us entenc als mes joves que teniu TEA quan expliqueu les vostres dificultats per encaixar al món actual.. en el món on jo vaig néixer i créixer diagnosticar algú d'Asperger no tenía la més mínima importància per ningú. És a l'época actual, on tothom es veu exposat públicament a la crítica, on es posa de rellevància un trastorn que realment no ho era abans.

 

[unrest]

I didn't really notice it (nor do I think anyone noticed my problems with Asperger's and anxiety), I just didn't fit in and behave like other people.. but I had no problem with that.

Consider that I was born in 1978 and social networks did not become popular until the end of 2000. Everything was very different from now, when I went to the Institute in the 90s, university was an optional subject, but there was no not any kind of social or family pressure to go there to study... I even remember that when they asked for resumes to apply for jobs they explained to me that they asked us to send them by FAX so as not to discriminate against the candidates due to its appearance (candidates' photographs do not appear in the FAX), today this is impossible (if they even ask for video resumes).

I wish they could bring back the time when social skills were not important, nor your image on the net, nor the academic level achieved.. sometimes I understand you younger people who have ASD when you explain your difficulties to fit in today's world .. in the world where I was born and grew up, diagnosing someone with Asperger's was of no importance to anyone. It is in the current era, where everyone is publicly exposed to criticism, that a disorder that really wasn't before becomes relevant.

//

Realment no m'en vaig adonar (ni crec que s'adonés ningú dels meus problemes deguts a l'Asperger i l'ansietat), simplement no encaixava i no em comportava com les altres persones.. però no tenía cap problema respecte això.

Penseu que jo vaig néixer el 1978 i les xarxes socials no es van popularitzar fins a finals del 2000. Tot era molt diferent d'ara, quan jo anava a l'Institut als 90, la universitat era un tema opcional, però no hi havía pas cap tipus de pressió social o familiar per anar-hi a estudiar.. m'enrecordo fins i tot, que quan demanaven curriculums per optar a llocs de treball em van explicar que els demanaven que els hi lliuressim per FAX per no discriminar els candidats per la seva aparença (al FAX no surten les fotografies dels candidats), avuí día això és impossible (si fins i tot demanen videocurriculums).

Tant de bó torni l'època on les habilitats socials no eren importants, ni la teva imatge a la xarxa, ni el nivell académic assolit.. a vegades us entenc als mes joves que teniu TEA quan expliqueu les vostres dificultats per encaixar al món actual.. en el món on jo vaig néixer i créixer diagnosticar algú d'Asperger no tenía la més mínima importància per ningú. És a l'época actual, on tothom es veu exposat públicament a la crítica, on es posa de rellevància un trastorn que realment no ho era abans.

if you dont mind me asking, if it isnt too personal, how was it like growing up with asd during that time? times are very different and feel with my generation, being openly neurodivergent is more common. i was just curious how that was like for you.

Ah, I can relate.

It has been difficult and tiring. I definitely don't... feel like an adult at all, and it's weird to think that I'm in my mid-20s. I don't feel like I can handle life's responsibilities like an adult "should" be able to. Most of the time I am moving on autopilot, or too exhausted to complete mundane tasks. If I have to figure anything out, I will always ask for opinions on what I should do because for some reason it's just so hard for me to make decisions on my own.

I also grew up in an abusive environment, one where I was constantly belittled. It resulted in severe anxiety and insecurity, and even years after I've distanced myself it still affects me on a daily basis. I cannot go through with new projects or take steps that could, for example, kickstart my professional life. I'm just stuck and afraid of the unknown. I'm not particularly good at anything, have no useful talents or skills, and currently find little motivation to learn. I know that I am far behind other people my age, as some colleagues and people in general have already achieved so much and I'm moving at a snail's pace — sometimes not moving at all. Haven't even learned to drive. Truth be told, I'm just wasting time.

you just described everything i'm feeling. the constant feeling like time is being wasted and that im going to be left behind.

 

[Dead Ghost]

if you dont mind me asking, if it isnt too personal, how was it like growing up with asd during that time? times are very different and feel with my generation, being openly neurodivergent is more common. i was just curious how that was like for you.

I was not diagnosed until I was 40 years old, so imagine the real importance of this disorder. Asperger's did not appear as a disorder in the DSM until 1994 (the year I turned 16) and this disorder was not discussed publicly until a few years later.

My life, since I was 2 years old, has been characterized by fear of everything and social exclusion by others (and we are talking about 2 year olds... they instinctively did not want to get close to me, because I was different and did not behave like them).
As I grew up this was changing, especially from the age of 5-6 years, the behavior of others was no longer to ignore me completely ... but I noticed that other people always knew what they had to do, they were "programmed" to behave and react in a certain way to their environment ... not me.

I mean, the most negative aspects of the disorder didn't go beyond being lonely and fearful, and that's how I was seen over the years. But the world I lived in did not put any kind of impediments to people with my profile, on the other hand there was not the overinformation that there is today and access to the Internet was not widespread (I tried it for the first time at the age of 20, in 1998).

I remember that we went with the Institute to see how the headquarters of a telecommunications company worked and I was surprised how the IT people were: they had an office full of junk piled up, computers everywhere along with chips and sugary drinks (all the clichés that you can see in the movies of the time) and they were dressed as they wanted... they were completely asocial. Today they wouldn't let an image like this be possible or spread on the interwebs.

The world was maybe just as terrible as it is now, but not in your neighborhood. I mean that today they put all the misfortunes of the world at your fingertips (on the Internet or in the news) and nobody seems to be aware that you are getting the information of the whole planet at once, a huge planet that if you had to walk all over it it would take several lives... it's absurd how people tend to believe that everything happens around them just because it appears in the news (if you try to disconnect for a month of the information that passes through the world you will realize that quiet is really everything, I've done it several times to rest from so many stimuli and it really is pure health to worry only about what is at your fingertips).

Social networks changed everything, at work and in relating to other people. Until then the maximum number of friends anyone could have was at best 2 or 3, or none.... today this would be rare.

I seem to have wandered off and wrote more things than you wanted to know or maybe even things you didn't want to know. Sorry for that.

//

No me'l van diagnosticar fins els 40 anys, així que imagina't la importància real d'aquest trastorn. L'Asperger no va aparéixer com a trastorn en el DSM fins l'any 1994 (l'any que vaig fer 16 anys) i no es va començar a parlar d'aquest trastorn públicament fins uns anys més tard.

La meva vida, desde que tinc consciència des de els 2 anys, s'ha caracteritzat per la por a tot i l'exclosió social per part dels altres (i estem parlant de nens de 2 anys.. instintivament ja no es volien apropar a mi, perquè jo era diferent i no em comportava com ells).
Segons vaig anar creixent això va anar cambiant, sobretot a partir dels 5-6 anys, el comportament dels altres ja no era d'ignorar-me completament.. pero em fixava sobretot en que les altres persones sempre sabien que havien de fer, estaven "programades" per comportar-se i reaccionar d'una determinada manera davant del seu entorn... jo no.

Vull dir que els aspectes mes negatius del trastorn no anaven més enllà de ser solitari i poruc, i així és com em veien amb el pas dels anys. Pero es que el món que vivía no posava cap tipus d'impediments a la gent amb el meu perfil, d'altre banda no hi havía la sobreinformació que hi ha avuí día i l'accés a Internet no era generalitzat (jo el vaig provar per primera vegada als 20 anys, l'any 1998).

M'enrecordo que vem anar amb l'Institut a veure com funcionava la seu d'una companyía de telecomunicacions i em va sobtar com eren els informàtics: tenien un despatx ple de trastos amuntegats, tot d'ordinadors per tot arreu junt amb patates fregides i begudes ensucrades (tots els tòpics que es poden veure a les películes de l'època) i anaven vestits com volien.. eren completament asocials. Avuí día no deixarien pas que una imatge com aquesta fós posible ni es difongués a les xarxes.

El món potser era igual de terrible que ara, però no al teu barri. Vull dir que avuí dia et posen totes les desgràcies del món al teu abast (per Internet o a les notícies) i ningú sembla ser conscient que t'està arribant la informació de tot el planeta alhora, un planeta inmens que si l'haguessis de récorrer sencer a peu tardaries diverses vides... es absurd com la gent tendeix a creure's que tot passa al seu costat només perquè surt a les notícies (si proves de desconectar un mes de la informació que passa pel món t'adonaràs que tranquil és realment tot, ho he fet diverses vegades per descansar de tants estímuls i realment és pura salut procupar-te només del que està al teu abast).

Les xarxes socials ho van cambiar tot, a la feina i alhora de relacionar-te amb d'altres persones. Fins llavors el màxim número d'amics que podía tenir qualsevol persona era en el millor dels casos 2 o 3, o cap.... avuí día això sería estrany.

Em sembla que m'he despistat i he escrit mes coses de les que volies saber o potser fins i tot les que no volies saber. Ho sento.

 

[stressedmess]

My transition to adulthood was terrible until I was able to finally moved out of my parents home. The freedom was an uncomfortable feeling to get used to but liberating because nobody was standing over me 24/7 anymore. But having spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells and generally being too busy/unsafe to just be a child, I realized that I hadn't developed any hobbies, passions, or interests aside from figuring out how to make myself the smallest I possibly could.

I'm almost 26 and still struggle with remembering that I don't have to dismiss myself and that I deserve to take up space too. I also still don't have any hobbies or interests aside from working, sleeping, and struggling with my mental health.

I have a regular team of healthcare professionals that try to help but I still find life to be meaningless and not worth living. After so many decades I'm still a waste of time, money, and resources.

Obviously some seasons of my life have been more positive than others but last summer my physical health has began to decline so I'm not able to see the positives in anything anymore.

But if you're physically healthy, I think adulthood, freedom, and full independence is something you can look forward to.

 

[NumbItAll]

I never made the transition, I had a mental breakdown at age 17 and have never been self-sufficient.

 

[81-Z@P@D]

It feels like one does not really 'transition' into being an adult without a stable income and roof on their head, regardless of age.