What thoughts go through your head during a suicide attempt?

[anonymousanguish]

I've never actually made an attempt before, but, for those of you have tried before, I'm curious what you were thinking as you did it.

Whenever I imagine going through with it, I get super distraught thinking about the pain I'd cause my family. I don't know how I'd be able to commit to my plan in the moment knowing what I'm doing to them. I've been so done with life for a long time. I'm so miserable, but I just feel unbelievably trapped by the guilt of hurting my loved ones.

Can anyone speak to this experience in the context of an actual suicide attempt?

 

[Stormy Raine]

"I pray this works this time and I don't wake up!" My thoughts every single attempt, and then I wake up and realize I'm still here and just cry…then repeat

 

[StolenLife]

My entire life starts flashing before my eyes and I remember sad traumatic things which fuels my suicidal ideation even more. However, last time the SI won in the end because I constantly had questions like if it will be quick and will it hurt, so in the end my legs were shaking so much that I couldn't get over the bridge railing.

 

[bellinda]

It's complicated what my thought process was as it was months of depression leading me to it. As I was about to end myself, I felt light, amazing, enthusiastic, hopeful. I swallowed the pills and danced from joy, left the house and befriended everyone. I had no worries about the people I'd leave behind because they didn't even cross through my mind.

 

[Nicksy]

Besides my most serious attempt when I dissociated abd don't remember, I think I just felt kind of...right? At the time anyway.

When I was a teen, I think the above is probably me looking back with the roae tinted specs, I was likely speaking some over dramatic soliloquy in my head to the imaginary audience.

 

[soft-flower345]

strangely I have thoughts indicative of great relief and wonder. The phrase "it feels like a weight is lifted off my shoulders" definitely applies. I think about the traumatic experiences that shaped me and wonder what it will feel like to be free of them, to never feel pain or sadness again.
I have to be in a very specific and apathetic mindstate to go through with an attempt. Otherwise I think about the ones who care about me and other reasons to stay despite my desire to die.

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

idc about making my family sad i just get scared because of SI
alao thinking what comes after hoping its nothing

 

[90starve]

"fuck fuck fuck"

 

[DurkheimsCat]

if you have any hope left, you may not be ready to ctb. during my last attempt I just felt badly that I hadn't mopped the floors. If you're truly at the end, you will not have distracting thoughts.

 

[Charlie-Bravo]

The day of my first attempt(not really an attempt because I broke my leg after I tested how long I needed to hyperventilate) I felt strangely excited and happy, like when you are about to embark on a journey. Like a colonist probably felt getting on a ship to America for a new life.

I had booked a hotel, so it was a fixed date. The days before, I felt similar to finishing a game. Cutting/Finishing lose ends, reminiscing old, but gone days and preparing

 

[tora]

during my two attempts I didn't really having many thoughts while I was doing it, I was just overwhelmed with fear and desperation. i chickened out the first time and went to my parents for help, but the second time almost worked. I don't remember much from the second attempt because I ODed on sleeping pills and everything was really foggy but I remember being really scared and I didn't actually want to die but I felt like it was my only option. my brain shut down as I took all the pills, and then they kicked in quickly so I went straight to sleep afterwards.

 

[saderaser]

Mine was like, somebody please don't find out please don't find out! I would faint if somebody interrupt me in the middle of my ctb process. People always try to prevent others from dying and I don't want to be locked up in a hospital or be monitored by someone 24/7. It was pretty sad though, being scared like that for my last few moments on Earth.

As for the feeling of guilt you were talking about, I believe most of the people had to go through that process and struggle for a long time (months or years). Many of us wanted to ctb because we suffered too much and hurting our loved ones would be the last thing we want to do, but I don't think anyone should live solely for somebody else. I personally do not have the ability to do that nor do I think my family could. You could try your best to love others but you have to love yourself first. It is sad to lose someone, but we have to accept it.

 

[l0stc4use]

all my attempts were me trying to overdose and right before it i would have racing thoughts then id have no thoughts while taking the pills. after that i would be telling myself in my head that it's okay this is what i want to calm myself down from the SI. id do that until i passed out/fell asleep or SI took over and i went to the hospital

 

[enough of this]

It won't be an attempt. I'll make sure I'll succeed. I'll think of the wonderful non-physical world I'll enter immediately, and how wonderful it will be.

 

[WaffleWoman]

I've never actually made an attempt before, but, for those of you have tried before, I'm curious what you were thinking as you did it.

Whenever I imagine going through with it, I get super distraught thinking about the pain I'd cause my family. I don't know how I'd be able to commit to my plan in the moment knowing what I'm doing to them. I've been so done with life for a long time. I'm so miserable, but I just feel unbelievably trapped by the guilt of hurting my loved ones.

Can anyone speak to this experience in the context of an actual suicide attempt?

Honestly at first i think back on my life but once i go for it my brain goes blank the constant non stop thoughts of my brain stop its calming

 

[leftdreaming]

Each time I've attempted both without a great sense of mortality and with an understanding of what I was doing, I found it fascinating that it was just so easy.

I took all the pills one by one and…nothing happened. I don't mean I survived, but in the moment after I was done with active attempt it was just the same as before. Nothing changed, and even as a started getting increased heart rate and blurry vision it was entirely bearable. Not even calm, just business as usual. Survived obviously.

 

[willitpass]

First attempt: partial hanging. I felt euphoric. I was so excited to be done with life. I kept passing out and then waking up standing because of unconscious SI causing me to do anything to take the pressure of the rope off my neck. Every time I would wake up I would be ecstatic thinking that I was one second closer to death. Until the pressure in my head was so excruciating that I couldn't pass out again and at that point I was just panicking.

Second attempt: My most impulsive attempt, I only planned for about a week in advance. I went in the river in February and over the dam. I was excited when I got in the water, but by the time I'd swam out the the dam and was sitting there waiting for the current to pull me over, I remember looking up at the sky thinking "I'm never going to see this again". I felt regret and thought "shit I don't want to do this anymore but it's too late to back out".

Third attempt: SN. I felt certain that I wanted to die but I was terrified that it wasn't going to kill me for whatever reason. I don't know why but I convinced myself that it wasn't going to be lethal and so I panicked and told someone in my life I was dying and they called for help. I needed CPR so it obviously would have worked had I not told someone. That's why I don't think ingestion is a good method for me, too much time to think.

 

[oh_no191]

One sentence every time "I'm really doing this…."

 

[Braindead Atheist]

"Is there really going to be nothing?!" Idk I kind of just wished it would be completely painless and I'd just die. Then I didn't. Idk I still sort of wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. Suicide is extremely painful. My heart was racing when I ODed and even days after. I didn't die because reality is cruel and unfair. I wish I could just shut my eyes and will myself to die. I fucking can't deal with life's bs anymore. Fuck this empty existence.

 

[usernameforss]

I've never actually made an attempt before, but, for those of you have tried before, I'm curious what you were thinking as you did it.

Whenever I imagine going through with it, I get super distraught thinking about the pain I'd cause my family. I don't know how I'd be able to commit to my plan in the moment knowing what I'm doing to them. I've been so done with life for a long time. I'm so miserable, but I just feel unbelievably trapped by the guilt of hurting my loved ones.

Can anyone speak to this experience in the context of an actual suicide attempt?

Cant even remember. All I ever remember is wanting to escape.

 

[leavingsoon99]

Nothing.

 

[JustWantOut500]

I've never actually made an attempt before, but, for those of you have tried before, I'm curious what you were thinking as you did it.

Whenever I imagine going through with it, I get super distraught thinking about the pain I'd cause my family. I don't know how I'd be able to commit to my plan in the moment knowing what I'm doing to them. I've been so done with life for a long time. I'm so miserable, but I just feel unbelievably trapped by the guilt of hurting my loved ones.

Can anyone speak to this experience in the context of an actual suicide attempt?

I've had similar thoughts go through my brain while attempting. Alcohol/benzos help be able to just not think about anything to a certain extent.

I also have a note that I'll be leaving, and this is how I try to explain it to loved ones. I say "I've wanted out for a long time, and have been getting by solely on not wanting to hurt loved ones. But eventually things get so bad, that you have to believe that if your loved ones truly knew how this felt, they would want you out of pain too." -it's probably wishful thinking but I'm hoping that will provide them some peace of mind and perspective on how bad things have to get for us to hit the point of actually going through with it.

 

[delusionalgirl]

Last time I attempt it was half assed. It was the state I was in. Ever see or read Dune? The litany against fear. There are several versions between the books and movies but this is mine.

"I must not fear.Fear is the mind-killer.Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.I will face my fear.I will permit it to pass over me and through me.And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

 

[EndJstifiesTheMeans]

That i did everything wrong..