Catch-22
But in the end it doesn't even matter...😢
- Aug 19, 2019
- 245
I've been in severe mental and physical pain for decades and I need to leave this world but I live with my elderly mother and I have no time alone. I'm too sick to make it to a hotel I've been trapped for so long in a room stuck in bed.
I've had to live in a severe physical and mentally toxic situation. A house full of bug infestations and mold. And a mother that has been abusive on many levels to be for decades.
I would love to find a partner to CTB with but I don't trust anyone for good reason.
Someone who I chatted with for nine months promised me they would be with me till the end.. even though I never asked them for that. They ended up ghosting me when I told them I might have a chance coming up.
And when they found out I was still alive they seemed disappointed. they never even checked to see if I had passed. If I would have left on that day I would have been all alone.
So you can't count on anyone except yourself and I guess that's okay but I have zero time alone. My mother used to go on vacation once or twice a year but stopped about 2 years ago. I wish to God I had left before that. Because I've had to live a life pretty much in bed so not much of a life.
In 2019 I had planned on taking pills but something told me to look it up first because I did not want to be a vegetable. I'm already disabled enough. That's how I found SaSu and found out the pills I had but not do the job.
I am proud of myself because I wanted to die for a long time and I thought the pills I had would kill me and yet I never took them. I mean many decades... I've had so much sickness and pain but I held out hope
And now I'm old and there is no getting better just sicker
When I joined in 2019 I came across a post about SN and I purchase some but unfortunately it was not preserved correctly because there was no information about how it needed to be stored and air got to it.
I was lucky enough back in April to find a second source but I know there's an expiration date on everything including the Metro that I purchased several years back.
I sit and look at my bottle of Klonopin and want to take it so bad and just go to sleep forever but I know it won't work and it fucking sucks.
I never have more than an hour alone and that's when she goes to the grocery store but I don't even know when that is..
The house I live in is very small and the walls are thin so you can hear everything or I would just do it at night. I can hear her clears her throat from across the house so how in the heck can I conceal when I vomit. I know even with Metro I will vomit
I was going to do the 24-hour prep but seeing as I will have zero notice at best I will probably have to do the STAT version with 8 hours fasting. I have serious stomach issue so I wanted to take Metro for a longer period but I read that there's no benefit because it's only affective for around two hours in your system.
I have zero people in my life
The only people that show up are narcissistic ex-boyfriends on social media trying to find some supply. Giving me their bullshit that they've changed. I told him I have zero to offer them and I am sick and leave me alone! That may sound harsh but I gave them the best of me and treated them like gold
I think the universe wants to fuck me a few more times before I leave because literally in the last 48 hours two slid into my DM. These are boyfriend from decades ago. One posting on social media how much he loves me and regrets doing all the horrible things he did to me and that he was going to come and find me.
It was only because he was in the eye of the hurricane in Florida and he thought he was going to die but when he realized he was going to be okay and he was alive he deleted it quickly. Which is okay because I knew once he realized he'd be okay and sobered up because he was beyond drunk he would delete it. And of course I was right.
So what the fuck universe!?
So without writing a book I thought I would write a little bit about my situation and vent at the same time.
I've had to live in a severe physical and mentally toxic situation. A house full of bug infestations and mold. And a mother that has been abusive on many levels to be for decades.
I would love to find a partner to CTB with but I don't trust anyone for good reason.
Someone who I chatted with for nine months promised me they would be with me till the end.. even though I never asked them for that. They ended up ghosting me when I told them I might have a chance coming up.
And when they found out I was still alive they seemed disappointed. they never even checked to see if I had passed. If I would have left on that day I would have been all alone.
So you can't count on anyone except yourself and I guess that's okay but I have zero time alone. My mother used to go on vacation once or twice a year but stopped about 2 years ago. I wish to God I had left before that. Because I've had to live a life pretty much in bed so not much of a life.
In 2019 I had planned on taking pills but something told me to look it up first because I did not want to be a vegetable. I'm already disabled enough. That's how I found SaSu and found out the pills I had but not do the job.
I am proud of myself because I wanted to die for a long time and I thought the pills I had would kill me and yet I never took them. I mean many decades... I've had so much sickness and pain but I held out hope
And now I'm old and there is no getting better just sicker
When I joined in 2019 I came across a post about SN and I purchase some but unfortunately it was not preserved correctly because there was no information about how it needed to be stored and air got to it.
I was lucky enough back in April to find a second source but I know there's an expiration date on everything including the Metro that I purchased several years back.
I sit and look at my bottle of Klonopin and want to take it so bad and just go to sleep forever but I know it won't work and it fucking sucks.
I never have more than an hour alone and that's when she goes to the grocery store but I don't even know when that is..
The house I live in is very small and the walls are thin so you can hear everything or I would just do it at night. I can hear her clears her throat from across the house so how in the heck can I conceal when I vomit. I know even with Metro I will vomit
I was going to do the 24-hour prep but seeing as I will have zero notice at best I will probably have to do the STAT version with 8 hours fasting. I have serious stomach issue so I wanted to take Metro for a longer period but I read that there's no benefit because it's only affective for around two hours in your system.
I have zero people in my life
The only people that show up are narcissistic ex-boyfriends on social media trying to find some supply. Giving me their bullshit that they've changed. I told him I have zero to offer them and I am sick and leave me alone! That may sound harsh but I gave them the best of me and treated them like gold
I think the universe wants to fuck me a few more times before I leave because literally in the last 48 hours two slid into my DM. These are boyfriend from decades ago. One posting on social media how much he loves me and regrets doing all the horrible things he did to me and that he was going to come and find me.
It was only because he was in the eye of the hurricane in Florida and he thought he was going to die but when he realized he was going to be okay and he was alive he deleted it quickly. Which is okay because I knew once he realized he'd be okay and sobered up because he was beyond drunk he would delete it. And of course I was right.
So what the fuck universe!?
So without writing a book I thought I would write a little bit about my situation and vent at the same time.
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