Venting What the fuck am I supposed to do

[アホペンギン]

What am I supposed to do in my fucked up situation? I have a friend who I care about and love a lot, I hold them very dear to me and whenever he mentions his ctb or when I get reminded of his ctb, I spiral and start panicking and crying nonstop. I have considered leaving before him so I won't have to experience his death but I have no fucking idea if I should go through with that or not I don't know what to do anymore I don't know what to think. I still have people to live for, a few weeks ago I realized that my cousin was being mentally neglected so I felt obligated to make up for that by supporting her mentally, delaying my ctb by 5 years meaning that on top of this suffering I experience daily, I will now have to experience nearly all of my friends leaving me. I can never handle this. Never. For my best friend's ctb, even at the thought of his death I start crying and panicking so I have no fucking clue how I will ever handle the real thing. Too many people left me in my life, I can't handle yet another person leaving me. Please help me. Right now I'm crying while writing this because I started thinking about his ctb again this is too much for me the stress is unbearable should I ctb or not I might do it impulsively soon

sorry this is disorganized i have a bad headache

 

[Hevn]

I know how difficult it is: to write your thoughts, your story through tears.
Don't give up.
Try to calm down for now. Take a sedative (If there is).
Try to get some sleep, or get distracted.
In any case, it is better to make a decision when you are not in such a bad state.


A true friend will never blame you if you feel bad.

 

[Dying2077]

Do what you can do.
High pressure creates problems

 

[NoFutureAnymore]

I feel you. I am also postponing my ctb, because I feel obligated to fix things for people I care about. First I postponed with a few months and now I already postponed it with half a year while going trough my daily suffering. My suffering is of course different than yours, though. I guess we have to stay strong until the right moment.

 

[bebebeep]

I've been in a similar situation before as both sides, I second what E.H.R said, write down your thoughts and do any activity to distract yourself. For me that was eating good food and going on long walks while listening to music, the walks especially helped. Try and distance yourself from the situation if it keeps causing you distress and don't try to bear the burden all on your own. I hope you find peace, keep us updated on how you're feeling if that will be of any help.