What pushes you over the edge

[lukehavergal]

I imagine we are all dealing with some nuance in our cases of SI. We're hovering in this weird in between where we are barely surviving and don't want to be here but there's an inertia to the act of CTB. What do you think will push you over the edge to finally do it? Or are you just waiting for the right moment?

I'm trying to get better from my chronic illness and I'll hang in there for a few more months but I'm not hopeful. I think I'll wake up and snap one day.

 

[SealsOfTheArctic]

If another friend announces an unexpected pregnancy. Infertility has been a constant torment for years but my mid 30s have been the worst time of my life. The pain is too much.

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

I imagine we are all dealing with some nuance in our cases of SI. We're hovering in this weird in between where we are barely surviving and don't want to be here but there's an inertia to the act of CTB. What do you think will push you over the edge to finally do it? Or are you just waiting for the right moment?

I'm trying to get better from my chronic illness and I'll hang in there for a few more months but I'm not hopeful. I think I'll wake up and snap one day.

ive been pushed over the edge im just waiting for practical reasons, my final trigger was someone stopping being friends with me bc my mental illness (which he inserted himself into and would always ask me about and always encourage me to talk about) was "too much for him" it just made me realise, if people see a fraction of what i go through and it makes them never want anything to do with me ever again, why should i be expected to live through this full force 24/7? other people get a clean exit from my problems forever, but i dont? not fair

 

[dirkw83]

My insomnia getting worse imo

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

I've been pushed over the edge far too many times (incompetent people, people trying to rip me off, too many unnecessary problems) and as I am now getting more homicidal I am getting more suicidal.

 

[Mr.Ruben]

I've lost 3 friends to ctb and 1 to cancer, in the span of 2,5 years, most recent was a grandfather, cancer, got the news an hour before my finals.
And since then I've had a weird way of processing losing someone, which is by not having any natural reaction to their death, and hours after or days after breaking down nd feeling physically unresponsive.
If I have another relative or dear friend that goes away, I don't think I can handle it.

 

[Lost_Dawns]

how my family and much of my community sees me as a problem as i called out all the assault and abuse against me and others when i was younger. they snarl and glare and tell me I should have just stayed silent to preserve peace as "god would handle it all in the end."

fucking what?

 

[Pluto]

 

[valar_morghulis21]

I imagine we are all dealing with some nuance in our cases of SI. We're hovering in this weird in between where we are barely surviving and don't want to be here but there's an inertia to the act of CTB. What do you think will push you over the edge to finally do it? Or are you just waiting for the right moment?

I'm trying to get better from my chronic illness and I'll hang in there for a few more months but I'm not hopeful. I think I'll wake up and snap one day.

I think I just hit a new level of rock bottom. I've been depressed and isolating myself for the last 4 months or so and thought it couldn't get worse than this. Recently my parents living in a different country was so close to separate and getting a divorce due to my dad being an emotional abusive piece of shit. I realize all I want in this shitty life is for my mom and my sister to be happy. And it broke me every time that my mom chooses to stay for the financial sake of me and my sister. Next year when I go home, we'll have a talk on will and inheritance. I wish I could give up the remnants of my years so my mom could go back in time and got a good fucking life she deserves.

 

[Topaz111]

Every new development regarding my health and the medical system

 

[TwistedNightmares]

When my mom repeats the same problem/accusation/delusion for days on end. It's maddening to listen to constantly.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's more that I'm waiting for my Dad to go first. Just having to get up and try and function in this world pushes me beyond what I want to cope with. There would certainly be catalysts though- illness, losing my job, having to see a family member that caused my ideation to begin with. They could potentially be more severe triggers.

 

[QuarantinedThoughts]

Im here due to a deep fear of aging, pain, and sickness, not necessarily depression or mental illness. I've watched too many people in my life become unable to function in their daily lives, and it looks like absolute hell. I'd rather CTB on my own terms and in my own way. So I developed my own plans and time, but that won't happen for a while yet.

 

[ioannes_zera]

Perceived abandonment. I've been brutally lonely in my childhood and everytime I sense someone is abandoning me, my nervous system just can't handle it in a healthy manner.

 

[ctb_warrior]

ive been pushed over the edge im just waiting for practical reasons, my final trigger was someone stopping being friends with me bc my mental illness (which he inserted himself into and would always ask me about and always encourage me to talk about) was "too much for him" it just made me realise, if people see a fraction of what i go through and it makes them never want anything to do with me ever again, why should i be expected to live through this full force 24/7? other people get a clean exit from my problems forever, but i dont? not fair

Keep your self respect above everything else always. If they want to come, welcome, if they wanna go, good riddance.
Lately, I have lost couple of friends. I didn't run after them this time. They know I'm suicidal and if they still choose to leave me, they are insensitive morons, nothing more.. when i was there for them, they forgot those times.
I actually scolded a college friend of mine, she used to "be" my best friend. She knows everything about my mental condition and she never cared for it even when she needed help, I was always there to help her. Very recently, I showed example of a chat,where this person whom i have never even met was concerned for me, to tell her in the face that she's just an insensitive piece of shit. And ppl are still so insensitive that they'll never realise their mistake even in their grave.

I imagine we are all dealing with some nuance in our cases of SI. We're hovering in this weird in between where we are barely surviving and don't want to be here but there's an inertia to the act of CTB. What do you think will push you over the edge to finally do it? Or are you just waiting for the right moment?

I'm trying to get better from my chronic illness and I'll hang in there for a few more months but I'm not hopeful. I think I'll wake up and snap one day.

I can't beat SI when it comes to methods like hanging, gunshot, jumping, drowning, plastic bag asphyxiation, etc. i have tried my best when i tried to strangulate myself and i tried plastic bag asphyxiation several times, but i was left gasping for breath. I even tried hyperventilation, it didn't work. I tried to overcome SI with alcohol and benzos, it still didn't help. May be they can help with drowning

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

Keep your self respect above everything else always. If they want to come, welcome, if they wanna go, good riddance.
Lately, I have lost couple of friends. I didn't run after them this time. They know I'm suicidal and if they still choose to leave me, they are insensitive morons, nothing more.. when i was there for them, they forgot those times.
I actually scolded a college friend of mine, she used to "be" my best friend. She knows everything about my mental condition and she never cared for it even when she needed help, I was always there to help her. Very recently, I showed example of a chat,where this person whom i have never even met was concerned for me, to tell her in the face that she's just an insensitive piece of shit. And ppl are still so insensitive that they'll never realise their mistake even in their grave.

yep, it sucks bc he did care, but not enough to tell me that he didnt want to talk about this anymore, he left me the day after i got back from the hospital in the same week my police report for someone who abused me got lost, he knew of both, but then decided that was the time to end things despite having a friendship where we stayed up talking really late at night most days, all because he couldnt tell me he didnt want to hear about it anymore, in fact, he did the opposite, kept encouraging me to open up, then tells me he feels like he was being relied on for something he doesnt know how to help with, its very frustrating, im sorry youve been through something similar, its so frustrating as well when they share your private details with other people youve never spoken to, he did that to me as well so ik how you feel, its so horrible, its like youre not even a human being to them, youre just an illness, i gave him several "outs" and flat up asked him if he wanted to stop talking about this and even if he stopped wanting to be friends but no he said "i want to help you, i care about you a lot, i want to hear this" my trust in people was damaged a lot

 

[ctb_warrior]

yep, it sucks bc he did care, but not enough to tell me that he didnt want to talk about this anymore, he left me the day after i got back from the hospital in the same week my police report for someone who abused me got lost, he knew of both, but then decided that was the time to end things despite having a friendship where we stayed up talking really late at night most days, all because he couldnt tell me he didnt want to hear about it anymore, in fact, he did the opposite, kept encouraging me to open up, then tells me he feels like he was being relied on for something he doesnt know how to help with, its very frustrating, im sorry youve been through something similar, its so frustrating as well when they share your private details with other people youve never spoken to, he did that to me as well so ik how you feel, its so horrible, its like youre not even a human being to them, youre just an illness, i gave him several "outs" and flat up asked him if he wanted to stop talking about this and even if he stopped wanting to be friends but no he said "i want to help you, i care about you a lot, i want to hear this" my trust in people was damaged a lot

Very relatable.. At first they ask you to share. When you start sharing, they console you.. But when your illness continues, then they see it as a burden. That's the typical cycle.
A lot of people who know I'm suicidal, tried to guide me once or max twice, and then disappeared.
On the other hand, I do have few people who still stick around no matter what. My heart is with them.
So bro, that's what I understood from my own mistakes around human connections, keep your value high, don't fall weak in front of anyone, because the world is not so kind. You may find few good angels who are outliers.

 

[Aren]

I imagine we are all dealing with some nuance in our cases of SI. We're hovering in this weird in between where we are barely surviving and don't want to be here but there's an inertia to the act of CTB. What do you think will push you over the edge to finally do it? Or are you just waiting for the right moment?

I'm trying to get better from my chronic illness and I'll hang in there for a few more months but I'm not hopeful. I think I'll wake up and snap one day.

I understand the things that push me over the edge. It was The only time when i was at a height of 120 feets ready to jump off a bridge, contemplating the stars in the sky at night. This night i was on this bridge ready to ctb because : lonelyness, abandoned by my girlfriend, my family, this night i lost my entire life with no one to tell me that a step backward was possible. In fact it is not possible. So at this moment, no doubt and for the first time of my life i felt free, extremely sad but ready to be free.
What made me not jump was these policemans who came close to me and understand what's going on and bring me back to my car.
I spent too many Time to contemplating life, the real life around me, the beauty of the world that i have not seen before, when all the bad things of the world disappear.

I was on the edge, sea under me at 120 feet, no survival chances. One step and i was free, i had no doubts and fear was here of course but fear like when you prepare yourself to start a good unknown thing. Not a fear of death.

So now i know 2 things : what really pushes me over the edge with no doubt. And what freedom looks like, and this feeling is like a diamond that i want to have again and forever.

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

Very relatable.. At first they ask you to share. When you start sharing, they console you.. But when your illness continues, then they see it as a burden. That's the typical cycle.
A lot of people who know I'm suicidal, tried to guide me once or max twice, and then disappeared.
On the other hand, I do have few people who still stick around no matter what. My heart is with them.
So bro, that's what I understood from my own mistakes around human connections, keep your value high, don't fall weak in front of anyone, because the world is not so kind. You may find few good angels who are outliers.

ive also got people who will stick by me no matter what and im so grateful for them
thats the problem, there is no easy fix, they dont really want to be there for you in the trenches of it, they want to get you out of it, which just isnt really possible, but thats one thing that bothers me, people care more about problems they can "fix" if something more minor happened to me such as failing an exam or being broken up with, people would sit through that with me, but people dont want to sit through mental illness with you because theres no clear end and the distress is a lot more higher, it sucks when the problems you need people the most for are the exact ones they dont want to sit through, i never called him crying, i never told him the extent of my suicidality or even my illness, and still that was too much

 

[ctb_warrior]

ive also got people who will stick by me no matter what and im so grateful for them
thats the problem, there is no easy fix, they dont really want to be there for you in the trenches of it, they want to get you out of it, which just isnt really possible, but thats one thing that bothers me, people care more about problems they can "fix" if something more minor happened to me such as failing an exam or being broken up with, people would sit through that with me, but people dont want to sit through mental illness with you because theres no clear end and the distress is a lot more higher, it sucks when the problems you need people the most for are the exact ones they dont want to sit through, i never called him crying, i never told him the extent of my suicidality or even my illness, and still that was too much

So true!!!! Basically, when you are confident, people are attracted towards you, when you are suffering from mental illness, they look at you like a liability. They'll try to talk you out of it initially without understanding that if that was possible, we would have pulled ourselves out of it already.
They don't understand, sometimes, they need to give suggestions, all that's needed of them is they listen empathetically.
As I was popular in my college, so I can see their hypocrisy more. How they wanted my time when i was confident in life and how they ignore me when they know what I'm going through.

 

[Reticent Being]

My grandfather passed away this week. I saw him get stabbed in his stomach and scream in pain. I heard it and stayed with him after and i didnt see the gory part. Then the response from the hospital staff as he was actively traumatized and dying... He had demetia. It wasnt physical pain he was in. It was confusion.

it scares me to continue living in this world and have children. I dont want to continue on. I was already sad enough... A part of me thinks I'm living to help my mom out financially. I'm failing at that. I don't have a job yet and Im wondering how can i when im struggling with random fits of sobbing throughout the day and trying to contact lawyers/investigators/ect.

My mom.. She's also an emotional wreck at times because she is unable to work bc her job injured her. She says depressing things. She wants to move away and live by herself. She says everyone makes her feel like a burden. Family Hates her for no reason. No one cares about her in her time of need. She doesn't know how she'll survive next month. I get tired bc she says that for years and I don't like her venting to me. Then she says "I wish you had a heart to help your mother" and she guilts me.