what moment/moments made you click and realise you’re going to ctb?

[Givenuponlife]

My inability to function as a normal adult. My worsening anhedonia, which robs me of the pleasure and drive to do ANYTHING. Last year, I made more positive, ambitious and capable friends. Even with that, I realised that it really wasn't because of my environment and lack of belonging. I really am just empty as a person. Even if I won the lottery, I'd be exactly the same.

 

[Tried-tireD]

There were a few moments. The standout ones was when I failed half my modules this year which I'll have to repeat next year on top of my second year modules and I barely passed everything else.
The worst one was when my friend who I considered my closest didn't want to help support me anymore

 

[ready to go....]

To me the moment of realization was understanding I'm self destructive and it all panned out with a gambling addiction. I don't wanna live like that and I don't wish for others to suffer coz of that. I've tried a lot for years and years, but it's the moment of realization that you've lost yourself and you're pretending that clicked everything for me and I'm ready for the big journey.

I feel this. I also have a gambling addiction and have lost everything due to this. Knowing that I'll never break the addiction, ctb is definitely the way out. Obviously there are a lot of other reasons, but gambling is a big part of it.

 

[donealready]

That after years of trying to change / improve / recover, things will never change.

 

[sneakyninjapantalon]

I feel this. I also have a gambling addiction and have lost everything due to this. Knowing that I'll never break the addiction, ctb is definitely the way out. Obviously there are a lot of other reasons, but gambling is a big part of it.

That's exactly it. I can't break the addiction and even though I haven't lost it all, I don't want to get to that point. I prefer my beloved ones to be able to live better without me than suffer with me being around. They will survive and eventually find peace with my departure, instead of having to suffer with me. At least their last memories will be those of the "fake" and strong me.

 

[Ai-chan]

For me it was when I graduated college. I graduated with a shit gpa, no job, still living with my parents, with as much control over my life as I did growing up (which is to say, basically none at all)

 

[DukeDestroyer]

When I realized I'm beyond fucked in pretty much aspect in life, in the near future. Their is very good chance I'll be living in the streets shortly after my parents die. My finances are nowhere near where they're supposed to be when it comes to people my age.

 

[Coal54321]

I've been certain for 2 years that this will be how I die, since my girlfriend started treating me completely differently and my life turned to pure hell. The main things I can't stand are the uncertainty of what is going to happen with us, and the fact that we aren't going to be young for much longer. There's so much I want to do together that we will never end up doing. Or that at least I don't know if we will.

 

[missingpeace]

When I realized that the spiritual entities tormenting me will never leave. I hoped that things would get better in the first 4 months but after I lost more and more of myself, I realized this was just a one way journey to reaching real psychosis and experiencing the real hell. Please let this be over for me soon.

 

[SamTam33]

It's been so long ago that I honestly don't remember the original triggers.

But these days, the most random things reinforce my resolve to do it.

Commercials. Every time an ad loads before a video, I think, "I can't wait to die."

My stupid neighbor slamming his car door after I finally doze off to sleep.

Why can't he just park in his fucking garage. I hate him and his big belly so much.

People standing in line for food samples at Costco.

It's .0021 ounces of rice, FFS.

There's something so pathetic about living creatures and the extent they'll go to for free food.

When men follow me with their eyes as I pass by.

I want the ability to burn their eyes out with lasers and leave two smoking, black holes. Then I want to die.

I just can't continue being alive in this world. The presence of other people is what makes it unbearable.

 

[gar3z]

I have come to realize that even making such little differences in my life needed so much effort. I am not sure if things are beyond fixing or not, but I realized I don't have the energy to try to see. Sounds lazy, but I couldn't be bothered working so hard just to have a decent life. Is it even worth it?

 

[goreinfestation]

I've had a lot of triggers, I mean hell, now even if I get too happy all I can think about is catching the bus. I think realizing that I'm far too messed up mentally and no matter how much therapy I get I won't be fixed is the one that fucks me over the worst though..

 

[Citruscine]

Realizing that even despite trying your best to make your life worth living (working hard, trying to maintain friendships, etc.), at the end of the day you are still alone in the fact that no one can take away the mental pain and despair you experience. No matter how high you can get, it will always come crashing down again. Even when all seems to be going well, feeling unhappy and feeling like the amount of effort needed to just eat and keep a roof over your head is so exhausting and the brief amounts of pleasure in life could never make up for it.

 

[wait-bus-stop]

I honestly can't remember when I was not thinking about suicide.

As a teenager, I attempted it - and I can't remember a time before it when I hadn't thought about it.

It just seems like gravity - it's there, it happens, and you can't do anything about it other than choose the time and place.