what moment/moments made you click and realise you’re going to ctb?

[Anna.]

i've had a few but honestly today, something in my head completely clicked after my dad and friends forgot my birthday (my dad has the same birthday, i said happy birthday, and he said thanks. that was it lol) and a weight lifted off my shoulders.

 

[StringPuppet]

When I got my first job but quit the day after and realized there's no way I can take care of myself as an adult

 

[SectOfValtiel]

idk if ive even had that moment yet
im still... well, not hoping, but
still waiting for something to end up getting better again

or i guess, waiting for that moment to happen if things dont

for what its worth, happy (probably) late birthday

 

[violetday]

For one, happy birthday. Even if it is not so happy, I'm sorry you are going through that. I guess for me it was when I seen my family happy without me. They already barely spoke to me for 2 days prior. I almost felt like a ghost. I had a moment of clarity thinking "ok, they will be ok without me."

 

[Helplessturtle79]

When i realized I wasn't going to pass anatomy. I know it sounds stupid, but I'm not smart enough to get through college. That on top of a million other things. That was my last hope.

 

[Anna.]

When i realized I wasn't going to pass anatomy. I know it sounds stupid, but I'm not smart enough to get through college. That on top of a million other things. That was my last hope.

i get it. it's like the tiniest thing is just the last straw on top of everything else and you just click

 

[NHLTradeRumor]

When I got my first job but quit the day after and realized there's no way I can take care of myself as an adult

Literally same, but I've had it happen multiple times.

 

[damaged_soul]

When I realized I'm never going to get over my abusive friend

 

[sneakyninjapantalon]

To me the moment of realization was understanding I'm self destructive and it all panned out with a gambling addiction. I don't wanna live like that and I don't wish for others to suffer coz of that. I've tried a lot for years and years, but it's the moment of realization that you've lost yourself and you're pretending that clicked everything for me and I'm ready for the big journey.

 

[aforestfire]

i had a lot of those moments, it came in different years, the first one was realizing how i'm not made to live in society, i can't function and "be normal", every try to fit in is going to be useless. people don't even realize when i'm there or not, is like i'm invisible ever since i was a little kid. though it was the first, it took me a while to accept that. it hurts a little bit sometimes, but is good to know that if i die, it won't make a difference; no one, anywhere, needs me.

 

[Zegers]

I think it was when it became clear that i was not going to be able to live my way and have well-being.

 

[almostoutofhere]

The moment when I looked in the mirror and couldn't recognize myself, I hated what I became. Then I knew things could never be the same

 

[Fl4u]

The moment I realized I wasted my life, and now it's too late

 

[outrider567]

Within days of her death

 

[LaVieEnRose]

The first time I dropped out of school.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

When i knew i would never be an attractive cis woman while all those privilaged ones get to look in the mirror content with the way they look, while I have to cringe at how I look. Also when i realized i can no longer supress those feelings.

 

[Sunny-Pia]

The moment I realized I wasted my life, and now it's too late

That's me!

 

[time2fly]

When i realized that everyone i ever trusted/loved (friends and family) worked against me in a big collaboration (not paranoia but actually some crazy gaslighting style bullshit that I found out about by a law enforcement officer) and now they would rather me die than admit their crimes against me. i hope they cry when I die.

 

[patanjali]

An accumulation of extremely fun and extremely painful events that continue to remind me how bored I am with life.

 

[flyingtopluto]

The first time I dropped out of school.

Yeah, same here. It took me a while to realize how dropping out of school would drastically change my life. Now, I've been stuck in a loop dropping in and out of school to get a diploma I should've gotten years ago.

 

[tilly17]

i've had a few but honestly today, something in my head completely clicked after my dad and friends forgot my birthday (my dad has the same birthday, i said happy birthday, and he said thanks. that was it lol) and a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Happy birthday sorry it was such a rotten day for you.

i get it. it's like the tiniest thing is just the last straw on top of everything else and you just click

Anatomy is very hard and they smack so
Much knowledge into one semester with labs and all. I loved it but it was the most failed course at my college, most people took it Atleast 3 times.
I'm so sorry life is so hard for you right now. Sending hugs and support

 

[Ineedtodie]

When nothing goes your way. Malevalence comes your way constantly.
As from a particular event reference, my psycotic bdd triggered at 19. Things went in a sharp dowhill in a very slippery slope..well i had a depressive mood that hd its causes as well.

 

[SeeminglyFine]

At the same time probably when my self diagnosed DPDR was triggered,
After some time of viewing suicide as a way out incase everything goes wrong and i cant fix it, but just in the back of my mind,
i laid down all my problems to a friend knowing damn well they are unresolvable, and asked what should i do, he answered suicide,
The realization from the back of my mind kicked in that right now is the time that when everything already went wrong,
That was while "playing" a video game, i spent hours just clicking/walking around the map trying to understand why it feels so weird to watch the screen, why i click the mouse compulsively as if my hand has its own mind, why i stare at a blur that doesnt feel real, why do i feel stressed but numb and is this feeling another reason to ctb.. all while thinking of a method and looking back at my life.

 

[Lost Magic]

When my mother and uncle died. They were loving and funny and were my anchors. There are other reasons but these are my main ones. You don't know what you have got in life till those things are gone

 

[AnnonyBox]

Pattern recognition. It follows that a decent number of people with my life's circumstances kill themselves, why would I be the exception, I'm not special. By the time I realized this I'd been struggling with thoughts of suicide for years.

 

[Sourdough]

I started researching what it's like to die from the most common things. Dying from natural causes looks terrible. Even if you get to old age, you either drown in your own fluids or struggle and fight gasping for breath till you die. Something that I orchestrate myself is so much more preferable

 

[HeyWatchThis]

If it wasn't for my dog, and perhaps my mother. Everyone else on earth really don't matter much to me, not in a shitty way but you'll be forgotten in a week and the world keeps going. I've nothing to contribute and don't want to work for rent until I die, never did anything with my life and struggle with alcoholism. I'm lonely and wish I had a partner but once again, nothing to offer. Why drag another person into my nightmare. I'm considering getting some fentanyl and od'ing, I don't even do drugs, imagine asking a dealer how much do I need to die? Lol. I'm bored to death, almost, lol.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I became comfortable with the idea very early on- aged 10. Since then, it has always felt like an option. It's been there in various intensities the whole time. Still- I think these last few months have been the most intense and consistant I've ever felt it. To the point of researching methods and buying the stuff needed.

 

[Reallysad]

When I realised I was alone and my kids were never coming back.I have no energy now to do anything and everyday has just blurred into 1 long tiring situation.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least for me wanting suicide is simply what makes sense. It's the natural reaction to existing in this world, as it's simply irrational to wish to suffer and inevitably deteriorate. I've never wished to exist at all, and under no circumstances could I ever want to delay the inevitable and just having awareness of this reality is enough to make me want to die. There was never really a specific moment that made me realise that suicide is the better option, simply just existing brought me to that conclusion.

I absolutely despise life in every way possible and I view it to be such a disturbing thing how life even has the ability to exist in this world. Life is such an useless and tedious concept which could never be beneficial, instead it just leads to unnecessary suffering which I would rather avoid at all costs. I'm certainly aware of the fact that life itself will always be the true problem, so therefore only death could ever be the solution for me, as to permanently not exist is the only thing that is appealing in any way.