What keeps you from ending it?

[Kyrok]

I'd have to hold out for 30 more years to retire lol Ain't no way !!! lol

I sure get it. If I knew this is how my life would turn out, I wouldn't have wanted to live it.

 

[Ayeitsalaska]

It's too inconvenient.

 

[thesongbird]

Still want to experience love before I leave. Not sexual.

 

[Roy King]

Others' opinion and sarcasm!

 

[goesforemast]

Just waiting for my N, nothing more keeps me alive. The day it arrives I will play the best day ever from spongebob xD

 

[Melliodrama]

Honesty im just streching the time no one tries to look for me... Im in like 4 days now... Wanna stretch it a bit more just to be save...
Im just super scared that they could find me too early ... I just cant take it any longer

 

[catwalk]

.....

The same thing that originallt got me into suicidal thoughts and depression

 

[Heart Shards]

in most part my mother, i don't know if she would be okay if i turned in my bus ticket. I'm getting bad though, eating too much, sleeping all the time, bed has became my residence. I can't avoid the bus for ever. Depression will take when it decides to, at that point my mother can stay angry or she can forgive me. I hope that she doesn't end up hurting herself. Right now I'm fighting for her though, but I'm losing.

 

[G-Man]

I won't let them won. I will make them sorry for their actions. They will be ones wants CTB. My happiness and success will be their hell.

 

[felix]

Thoughts of hell

 

[suffering]

survival instinct

 

[Psilo]

Hope... it's a motherfucker.

 

[brighter]

not much really, just a really good inspiration and the point where I snap completely.

 

[ThisIsTheLastNight]

The only thing, that keeps me from ending it is that I have not enough money to buy N. As soon as I have N, its over for me.

 

[DropsofJupiter]

Hurting the people who love me. I wish I could make them understand.

 

[felix]

Absolutely nothing besides waiting for the mail next week. I hate every second I'm alive, everyone and their dog has a partner/lover and here I am this brain damaged fuck up who hates everyone including myself, and they hate me. Don't even know why I'm posting this, not for attention honestly. I guess to try and put the emptiness into words. I cannot wait to die, I'm feeling impulsive just think about it and might do something stupid.

How'd u get brain damaged?

 

[waived]

Jouissance

 

[Made4TV]

Other people. And a weird flicker of....hmmm....if not hope, than maybe curiosity?

 

[Master Atsu]

In really desperate times one or two friends, then some tv series i wanna see the end of. But generally i'm scared of failure. I believe I wont die and wake up before anyone founds me and feel even worse. I have a feeling that i'll live till my hundreds. It scares me so much.

 

[blvck]

these stupid elusive carotid arteries

 

[NorthAmericanQc]

.....

My girlfriend.. My first long-time relationship in 29 years of life. I don't want to pain her.

But even if I love her.. I can't stop thinking about it. I need to find my exit door, and have it. Just in case. I feel guilty.. Being with her and make her endure that. She knows about it..she doesn't judge me.. She tried to help me, and still.

We met when I was at school, I decided to return one more time (3rd-4th time?) to get a good job. But, I couldn't focus, couldn't concentrate, I've had anxiety attacks, I was forgetting everything I was learning. I had to read numerous times to understand something just to only forget it right after or the day after.

I went to meet a doctor, more for her my girlfriend han for my own self, she asked me to go. I've been diagnosed adhd with high anxiety level disorder and depression, possibility of borderline personality. I am actually treated since 4 months with Vyvanse 30mg per day and Zoloft 125mg per day..yes, 125!! And still doesn't work, I don't feel any difference.

For a while, I thought about taking 1000mg+ of Vyvanse. I don't think it would be peaceful death.

Today I met for first time the social worker at the clinic. We talked about everything, she asked me about suicide.. I revealed everything. And I've had huge panic/anxiety attack. She went to see my family doctor and she changed my prescription of Zoloft from 100 to 125mg right now. And also I can have in my possession by now only 7 pills of Vyvanse and Zoloft. Which pisses me off really badly.

The social worker hesitated to let me go home after all I revealed. She wanted to fill a "P38" medical paperwork. To take me I don't know where, few days at hospital in psychiatry I think, so I don't hurt myself. I promised her I wouldn't do anything.

Back home, me and my mom we argued. Again. She's always making my mental condition worst. She can't talk calmly, it's always ending on an agressive tone. I've had dark thoughts again after that. Went to bed at 7pm. And now I'm here at 2am looking for the mdso/sn method and have it in hands.. Just in case.

 

[AhG]

Hoping for my wife to come back.

 

[odette]

Hoping for my wife to come back.

Do you want to tell us about what happened?

 

[Lost]

To fail again

 

[AhG]

Do you want to tell us about what happened?

I explained once before in the "introduce yourself" thread. I'll give you the shortened version. I was in a position where when I got married certain people weren't happy about it and said they would hurt her and her family if we continued being together, and even before that when we were together in high school, we weren't supposed to be together, but I did it anyways because I loved her and I was willing to die for her. But things got turned against me, and it was either treat her badly to the point she leaves herself or let her be hurt by people. Afterward she finally decided she was done with me, and then they finally decided after a beating and a deal, we could be together. But now she won't talk to me even after I told her the truth.

 

[odette]

I explained once before in the "introduce yourself" thread. I'll give you the shortened version. I was in a position where when I got married certain people weren't happy about it and said they would hurt her and her family if we continued being together, and even before that when we were together in high school, we weren't supposed to be together, but I did it anyways because I loved her and I was willing to die for her. But things got turned against me, and it was either treat her badly to the point she leaves herself or let her be hurt by people. Afterward she finally decided she was done with me, and then they finally decided after a beating and a deal, we could be together. But now she won't talk to me even after I told her the truth.

I looked through your post history but I can't find it. Could you help me find post where you wrote the long version? I would like to read more.

 

[ManWithNoName]

Still trying to decide on method and procure the means.

 

[SeekingSolace]

Fear.

Fear of the pain and trauma. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of the consequences. Fear of oblivion. Fear of ruining the lives of my family.

Ditto. You nailed it.

 

[throwaway123]

My girlfriend.. My first long-time relationship in 29 years of life. I don't want to pain her.

But even if I love her.. I can't stop thinking about it. I need to find my exit door, and have it. Just in case. I feel guilty.. Being with her and make her endure that. She knows about it..she doesn't judge me.. She tried to help me, and still.

We met when I was at school, I decided to return one more time (3rd-4th time?) to get a good job. But, I couldn't focus, couldn't concentrate, I've had anxiety attacks, I was forgetting everything I was learning. I had to read numerous times to understand something just to only forget it right after or the day after.

I went to meet a doctor, more for her my girlfriend han for my own self, she asked me to go. I've been diagnosed adhd with high anxiety level disorder and depression, possibility of borderline personality. I am actually treated since 4 months with Vyvanse 30mg per day and Zoloft 125mg per day..yes, 125!! And still doesn't work, I don't feel any difference.

For a while, I thought about taking 1000mg+ of Vyvanse. I don't think it would be peaceful death.

Today I met for first time the social worker at the clinic. We talked about everything, she asked me about suicide.. I revealed everything. And I've had huge panic/anxiety attack. She went to see my family doctor and she changed my prescription of Zoloft from 100 to 125mg right now. And also I can have in my possession by now only 7 pills of Vyvanse and Zoloft. Which pisses me off really badly.

The social worker hesitated to let me go home after all I revealed. She wanted to fill a "P38" medical paperwork. To take me I don't know where, few days at hospital in psychiatry I think, so I don't hurt myself. I promised her I wouldn't do anything.

Back home, me and my mom we argued. Again. She's always making my mental condition worst. She can't talk calmly, it's always ending on an agressive tone. I've had dark thoughts again after that. Went to bed at 7pm. And now I'm here at 2am looking for the mdso/sn method and have it in hands.. Just in case.

I know those dark thoughts too well.

 

[JWL]

.....

There's always something good on TV on that night...