What keeps you alive?

[Mysteries]

The Fear of surviving the attempt.

 

[drmihilo]

My mother and a small hope that therapy will help me. Although a considerable fear of being left with nothing, that is, of becoming disabled, plays a role here.

 

[aimless_arrow]

A strange sense of indignation. The feeling of "is this all that my life amounts to?" I want to die so badly but I can't go without having done something meaningful yet (not sure what it is). I keep hoping that all this suffering has to mean something...

Also, my mom would probably not survive the heartache if I killed myself. The least I could do for her is not let her bury her own child.

 

[Dominicka]

My cats are keeping me going (for now)

Me too, don't know how much I can hang on for her though.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I'm hoping I can help out my friends with life and maybe not have them be so lonely like I have to be. Maybe I can become a better person - who knows. I just don't want others to go through what I did.

 

[wannabesetfree]

Poverty. I can't afford the method I really want. Plus I still need to get things in order. I turn 30 in September, so I plan on going sometime after that.

 

[DerOesi]

I really dont know what keeps me alive anymore. I guess its the fear of actually dying. I had OCD and took antidepressats for it and now i suffer from horrible potentially irreversile side effects (sexual dysfunction, emotional numbness, cognitive dysfunction). Antidepressants are actually the thing ehy i am suicidal now. I think they can help some people vut some people can get their lives destroyed by them as well unfortunately

 

[inpursuitofpeace]

End of term is always hard. Take one thing at a time, don't think about everything you have to do. It'll be overwhelming. Finishing your classes is its own reward. Maybe it comes to naught in the end. But right now, you invested the time and energy. And you likely have the ability to see it through successfully. So you owe it to yourself to be successful.

Thank you!

 

[NoLightRemains]

I'm a coward and I can self-soothe with drugs and escapism well enough to get by on a day-to-day basis. Just waiting for things to get bad enough where it overpowers my fears and hesitation.

 

[ChildrensITV]

My daughter. If I were to die she'd probably attempt herself. And she's far too wonderful for me to allow that to happen. Not my wife, that's for sure. She couldn't care the f*%# less whether I live or die.

Are you in a soured, loveless marriage? Dead bedroom? Lack of affection shown? Do you think she is getting affection elsewhere or is just deadened and living on autopilot? Are you on good terms with her or just two strangers in the same house?
1. Mostly, leaving my mum here. I wouldn't want to abandon my friend either but I can't wait til he dies to CTB cuz he is my age.
2. No easy method yet. I need to save up for SN. Drinking it will be another roadblock: SI, etc.
3. As shit is my life is, I have worked hard to amass things: education, material possessions. It is a shame that all my stuff just gets thrown away when I die.

 

[Hikikomori1]

The fear of what's on the other side.

Also a lack of money since i cant get to Japan right now to go to jukai to CTB.

 

[uniqueusername39]

honestly? hope. that it will get better. it sucks being hopeful when you know you could be let down, that it might be a waste of time, that it won't be worth it if things end up being worse.

 

[ptolemaea]

i have an appointment regarding psychiatric medication coming up soon. i've already been on fluoxetine and sertraline with no improvement, so i'm not very hopeful. figured i'd try medication one last time

 

[leavingsoon99]

Well now, nothing really. My resolve is building to the point of doing it. I'm not really even afraid of failing, because it'll be weeks before I'm found. But I promised myself I'd make some beautiful art before I do it. Other than that, I'm looking forward to CTB.

 

[wait-bus-stop]

Those who already have their method ready, what is it that keeps them alive?

nothing other than the urge and opportunity to do it. Opportunity is traveling in a hotel on my own, and the urge is the urgent need to end it that overtakes me, which comes and goes. But with the right combination, I just want to have everything ready to go. And if I am lucky, I'd be dead in an hour.

 

[trappedmamma]

Those who already have their method ready, what is it that keeps them alive?

MAID being delayed a year for mental illness (only reason I can claim ATM). Also, a lack of non-violent, guaranteed alternatives. I need to make sure I succeed in CTB as failing would make life even more of a hell as we all know.

 

[Source Energy]

The desire of not ending it on such a losing note. I want some success, I want to win at the game of life for a change before stepping into eternity.

 

[JusMe]

I don't know why I'm still alive

 

[aubrey!]

it's not that death is difficult. or that methods are scary. obligated to live for others, because i can't push them away. or whatever.

i just can't miss the 4th madoka movie. that's it.

 

[Scacie]

Honestly? Nothing. Just need to plan everything. I need to think of a foolproof excuse to leave and get a hotel on the day itself. Waiting for a couple deliveries to arrive, and hopefully I'll be gone asap

 

[broken_wings]

cowardice and cats, mostly. mostly the second one though. maybe a method that is a little less violent, but i'm sure that hesitation can be bent if push comes to shove

 

[mondaymornings]

Ironically it's the fear of death itself. And that's it tbh. I technically "have" other things, but they're not strong enough to really keep me here.

 

[pulsar]

Honestly? Nothing. Just need to plan everything. I need to think of a foolproof excuse to leave and get a hotel on the day itself. Waiting for a couple deliveries to arrive, and hopefully I'll be gone asap

Fear. People talk big here but most don't truly want to die. They want the pain to end.

 

[Scacie]

Fear. People talk big here but most don't truly want to die. They want the pain to end.

I suppose that's true. True to me to a certain extent as well. I want the pain to end, and if dying is the way to do it, I will.

 

[pulsar]

How will you be one of the cool kids here if you're dead?

 

[Scacie]

How will you be one of the cool kids here if you're dead?

Wait wait...are you talking about..me? I scrolled through previous posts for context and can't find any so maybe?

I mean...the site we're on. Don't think I'm destined to be here for long lmao.

 

[pulsar]

Wait wait...are you talking about..me? I scrolled through previous posts for context and can't find any so maybe?

I mean...the site we're on. Don't think I'm destined to be here for long lmao.

Just kidding, everyone says that. Easier said than done.

 

[Scacie]

Just kidding, everyone says that. Easier said than done.

Yuh. I hate SI oh my god. I think and hope I'm able to go through with it when the day comes. I got sedatives to help. Maybe with enough I'll just fall asleep immediately after drinking the SN. Ofc that has its risks too.... What if I vomited out enough for it to be non lethal, and aren't conscious to drink my backup? So many uncertainties...
Horrible thought but if only the place I'm in has a drug problem lol. Then I'd just be able to buy some heroin laced with fentanyl and go away.

 

[pulsar]

Yuh. I hate SI oh my god. I think and hope I'm able to go through with it when the day comes. I got sedatives to help. Maybe with enough I'll just fall asleep immediately after drinking the SN. Ofc that has its risks too.... What if I vomited out enough for it to be non lethal, and aren't conscious to drink my backup? So many uncertainties...
Horrible thought but if only the place I'm in has a drug problem lol. Then I'd just be able to buy some heroin laced with fentanyl and go away.

See thats the only way I would do it. I desperately wish I knew a drug dealer who could hook me up with Fentanyl. Never used it. On'y opiate I've used are percoset and vicodin, so it probably would be easily lethal since I have no tolerance built up.

 

[Scacie]

I know right? Sadly both percoset and vicodin has paracetamol I think, which isn't a nice way to go.

If I had enough money maybe I'll book a flight to LA, find the sketchiest drug dealer on skid row and ask them for some heroin hahah.