Discussion What keeps me holding on to my bus pass?

[pinstripe]

I have been holding onto my earnest bus pass for 4-5 years now. My attempt last year through hanging solidified that as my method of choice. How quick I lost consciousness and how painless it was made me sure that's how I wanted to go (Link here for that story) ... and the waning relief I felt that shifted to dread at being alive after I woke up made me absolutely certain it's the best thing for me.

I have started lightly rehearsing again and planned a few more safeguards to make sure the next time succeeds (My body extended and released the pressure on my neck last time. I have some solutions for that now)... That said, I still haven't gone. It's been over 6 months since that attempt and I have yet to go again. The desire hasn't faded. Stress or circumstances haven't really changed. Hard to have a reason why I'm still here anymore. What keeps me here? It can't just be hope that things will improve.

 

[Jadedmeursault9]

I mean out of sheer luck that you made it out you have to think to yourself that there's a reason for it. Higher power or not.

I'd try to check a few more things off the bucket list before you try to kick the bucket again.

 

[pinstripe]

I mean out of sheer luck that you made it out you have to think to yourself that there's a reason for it. Higher power or not.

I'd try to check a few more things off the bucket list before you try to kick the bucket again.

"There's a reason for it" is itself a very toxic mentality that normalizes so much hurt and pain.

 

[Jadedmeursault9]

"There's a reason for it" is itself a very toxic mentality that normalizes so much hurt and pain.

I disagree. It's what helped me keep going for a long time. And I'm glad I did. With that said, there's no one-size-fits-all positive mental attitude that fits everyone.

I'm a big absurdist. I believe life has no meaning unless you carve one out of it. There's some comfort in the fact that none of this really matters anyways.

Maybe the pursuit of something attainable will help stabilize you?? It has me. Somedays even getting out of bed is an accomplishment that makes me feel content. But I'm sure there's gotta be *something* that you wanna do before you die.

But who knows maybe not. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
You never know until you try. I think the gamble is worth a shot.