What is Your Story?

[Afterglow]

I only see some user's stories. It's honestly really sad when you interact with someone on this site for so long and they post a Goodbye Thread and you never learn their story.

Sometimes it can feel a bit scary to post your story without being asked, so I get it.

But, I am asking for YOUR story.

You don't have to go into anything you're not comfortable with. I'd love to hear from you regardless. What brought you here? What's been weighing on you lately? Even if it's messy, or unfinished, or hard to explain, it matters.

I will go first, as it would be wrong to ask for your story without giving mine.

My life has been shaped by trauma. I've had suicidal thoughts since before I was ten. Home was full of conflict, abuse, and fear, my mom's threats, my sibling's violence, the constant fighting. School wasn't any better. I was undiagnosed autistic and had ADHD, isolated both at home and in class. I bounced between two different hells every day.

I lost the only person who really tried. My dad. He wasn't perfect, but I love him and I miss him.

And now, as an adult and a trans woman in a country that makes survival feel like resistance, it's exhausting.

If you're willing to open up, I'm listening. You're not just a username on a site. You deserve to be seen.

 

[PAQUITOELCHOCOLATER]

I am from Spain , i was the happiest in the world, one year ago illness appeared. I am suffering a lot , a lot of pain , a lot of fear , i dont want to live . Life is horrible , especially being sick

 

[Eriktf]

childhood was full of conflict at home, it felt like there was something new all the time it was everything from seeing my brother struggling after a terror attack to getting to know my dad SA my sister. but i somehow managed to do okey in school then work but my mental health got the better of me, got diagnosed with ### name of diagnosis removed ### a few years back and after that im started to live of disability from the state, im 25 years old and tryed to ctb 11 times 9 of em i still head school/work the last 2 was due to alcohol withdrawals after i started to isolate myself

####
Removing my diagnosis from being public to make doxxing harder.
####

right now i get to live wayout being around people thats way im alot less suicidal new vs a few years ago when i had no choice to be around people

life gets boring wayout people but life gets misserbal around people so i dont know if i want to live in a word like this, i whish i wasent fucked up in the head.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I'm from Australia (21M). CTB went from curiousity to wish, to attempt, here's the story:

[Discovering CTB was a thing]

In 2016 a teacher with orangish hair told the class someone attempted CTB due to bullying or smth, I asked a stupid question "what method" and got told off. Later in the computer room, I found the Wikipedia page for CTB methods, and had to close it when a student got concerned (tho merely commented in surprise).

[Earliest non existence wish. And project that should have been a warning sign for me to get better academic support or similar]

Around 2016 or early 2017, me and one other person was in a group doing some scarecrow task. I thought that motion sensor bird alarms, either near it or replacing it was ok, I told the teacher and she said it wasn't what she was after. I went and searched crackly tarp, and after that (and maybe confusion) got side tracked.

Dreading the task, I didn't write as much as I could, and when I heard news stories of North Korea's concerning nuke program, I basically hoped I was nuked, tho thinking how unlikely it would be for Adelaide to be a target (va Melbourne or Sydney) and even if it was, didn't want others to be wiped.

Long story short, I unfortunately caused my friend to do an unfair amount of work, straining our friendship a bit. We ultimately ended up working with another, slightly nicer teacher, and got a reasonable scarecrow done together. I think I apologised for not doing as much, not too sure what happened next.

[Deeper research out of curiousity]

In 2019 or so, with my own laptop, I randomly searched that Wikipedia article, reading it thoroughly (it didn't yet have a subsection for why CTB methods were written about). I went to the poisons section at one point, found Sodium Nitrite, and on the reference list is SaSu. I spend a nice long while every now and then reading for curiousity. Even discovering the Night Night method and going past page 1 or 2.

[CTB stated loudly]

When some female student made me feel a bit stressed, not sure of the details, I loudly said "I will kill myself with the night night method!", tho probably wasn't yet intent on CTB. Seconds later, I realised, oops, a close friend heard it. We talked at recess, I mention that I won't CTB, and that I still have the method saved, and another friend concerned told me "Delete it!". I later speak to a Student Support person, mention I won't CTB, and move my notes into a random system folder (those lines of text were never to be found again, I searched for it out of curiousity months later with laptop in car)

[Getting serious]

In 2020, I read the Peaceful Pill handbook online (I was 16 then!), and in 2021, I remember spending hours in class reading the 5 last acts, likely obtained from a link here, when I couldn't find much info for a science SHE task about certain pregnancy disease tests. Yes, I could probably have tried summarising abstracts of science articles or smth, tho I instead felt gloomy and hoped I could try something in the Euthanasia ebook. Somehow most of the task was sent, maybe I got assistance when I eventually told the teacher I couldn't find info.

[The one way bus but skipped ticket process] <-- search this in quotes for more info

In 2022, the "beast of distraction", took me firmly in its grasp. Hours per day were likely lost browsing the web vs digital assignments and tasks. A due date for a business task crept up, and I let it slip, then with the knowledge I learnt (I was 17, almost 18), tied a used sock around my neck (but skipping steps from night night method, otherwise you'd never have read this), attempted CTB without anyone knowing, literally responding "Yes mum" to "Go to wash" or similar. After a few mins, hardly anything happened, despite even making it tight, I realised something was wrong, got off the one way bus, and went to wash.

PS: Only a priest heard the news that I tried CTB, tho I didn't explain it with detail

[About to register]

In 2024, I remember sitting in class and reading SaSu as guest, about a user called @2ndme. Her final post... Everything from "here is the spot", and "warming my clothes by the heater" to photos of the chemical. I read with a lot of concern, and as soon as she said she drunk the mix, I was like "oh no". (Odd how other's CTB made me concerned, but failing CTB myself didn't give me much concern).
When she mentioned "I feel regretful", that really hurt to read, others said she could quickly call an ambulance, and later, that no news stories were there... I didn't know if she was even alive.

[Registering]

I remember typing a Mousepad document about a character who is desperate to CTB after discovering his gf cheated on him, and it was the final straw. A few paragraphs later, I pasted the tale into a form and an @EmptyBottle materialised here (I corrected the tall tale with truth months later, tho I don't know myself perfectly).

After registering here in April 11th, 2025, secretly thinking something can be done to assist future users before another case like that occurs.
My subtle ways of helping probably can't do too much, but I can say that I tried.

I later watch a YT video, maybe 18 mins long, that mentioned a young British man tell his parents he took SN and asked for an ambulance, later passing away... and that gave me closure.

[Recent]

In July 2025, anticipating consequences for not doing as much as I probably could for uni tasks, I get close to CTB, but distractions and being too tired stops me... tho idk if I would or wouldn't retry (I merely told myself 'let's see how close I can get to CTB). After the results, no consequences occured (me and the other person worked to clean my room up, that was nice) and besides CTB wishes, I doubt I'd try CTB. While I can't fix errors of the past, I can hopefully learn from them.

PS: I like how this forum is informative, friendly, and enjoyable.

 

[FuneralCry]

That I'd just prefer to not exist than suffer in this torturous and futile existence I just always saw as a mistake and I suffer so much as a result of being trapped in this horrific anti-suicide world where suicide is seen as a crime with the torture and suffering of existing seen as to force and prolong no matter what, all I want is some peace.


I just wish to be permanently free from this existence that only ever caused me to suffer and there's just so much pain, so much cruelty and so much suffering in existing, existence itself to me really is the true problem that just causes so much suffering all for the sake of it with no limit as to how much one can be tortured. I'd just never wish for any of this rather all I want is to never exist again, I find it terrifying how a human can exist for so long with no limit as to how much they can suffer, more than anything I just wish I never suffered, I just should never had existed at all.

 

[divinemistress87]

Ive always had bad depression since I was a kid. Then was I was 29 and a guy I had kind of been seeing who is a doctor by profession was drunk and adjusted my neck to hard and tore artery in neck and sent blood clot to brain and had a stroke. Ya I recovered walking and eating but I was left with cognitive and more mental health issues then I got a bunch of electroshock therapy and took away a lot of my memories

 

[fatty44]

Ive always had bad depression since I was a kid. Then was I was 29 and a guy I had kind of been seeing who is a doctor by profession was drunk and adjusted my neck to hard and tore artery in neck and sent blood clot to brain and had a stroke. Ya I recovered walking and eating but I was left with cognitive and more mental health issues then I got a bunch of electroshock therapy and took away a lot of my memories

Wow, this sounds tough. I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I just don't like being alive. That's it. My life has been good for the most part. No major trauma, mental illnesses, physical illnesses, or struggles. I just don't like being alive. I find it unappealing.

 

[NoHope4Me]

At 26 I got injured and destroyed my dick, it's now different shape and have permanent erectile dysfunction. I hate my life.

 

[Daphne]

I'll go. Thank you for this thread.

I am probably older than most here. Struggled with mental health since childhood. Come to find out later, I check nearly all the boxes for high-functioning autism. I grew up in a time when kids weren't screened for this, although my brother was diagnosed early with ADHD.

So I think being neurodivergent is the root of some serious problems in life. Socially, I always struggled to fit in and understand people. I hid most of the time to avoid bullies and abuse at home. Wasn't molested, thank God but there was physical and psychological abuse. My mother is a narcissist so that took its toll.

I was raised to cater to her and never formed my own identity. She kicked me out at 18. I tried hard to please her most of my life but we are opposites and she's disappointed in how I turned out. She disowned and discarded me a few years ago on the day my brother died. I have a lot of trauma from that.

As a young adult, I supported myself by working minimum-wage jobs and pinching pennies. Put myself through college although it took me longer than most people. Unfortunately, my education didn't help much with my career. I was an admin. Didn't mind the work but kept getting bullied out. So much for job stability! Although I was a hard worker, I just didn't have a knack for office politics (ASD showing). I went from job to job until my age pretty much excluded me from the workforce, despite being several years away from retirement. Age discrimination is real and it is pervasive.

Never married, no kids. I had two relationships as a young adult but just couldn't find anyone after that, regardless of doing online dating and joining groups. Never quite figured out how to appeal to the opposite sex. I didn't plan to end up alone; it happened by default. Again, I believe being on the spectrum plays a role.

So the last five years have been the worst. Haven't been able to find steady work since COVID and I run out of savings this month. Other surreal events: the tragic deaths of my sister-in-law and brother, my closest family member; my mother's cold and callous rejection; losing a beloved pet; and my best friend betraying me.

In addition to depression and anxiety, I get to deal with menopause, CPTSD, chronic pain and an addiction I picked up to cope with it all. I have yet to find decent healthcare in this city (moved here during COVID).

I've been in meltdown mode for too long and it's not sustainable. I can no longer pay my bills. I'm not tough enough to survive homelessness.

I have nothing left to live for. Hence, CTB.

Well, there's my sh*tty life in a nutshell. If you lasted this long. thanks for reading! It's been cathartic writing it.

 

[Manfrotto99]

W

I'll go. Thank you for this thread.

I am probably older than most here. Struggled with mental health since childhood. Come to find out later, I check nearly all the boxes for high-functioning autism. I grew up in a time when kids weren't screened for this, although my brother was diagnosed early with ADHD.

So I think being neurodivergent is the root of some serious problems in life. Socially, I always struggled to fit in and understand people. I hid most of the time to avoid bullies and abuse at home. Wasn't molested, thank God but there was physical and psychological abuse. My mother is a narcissist so that took its toll.

I was raised to cater to her and never formed my own identity. She kicked me out at 18. I tried hard to please her most of my life but we are opposites and she's disappointed in how I turned out. She disowned and discarded me a few years ago on the day my brother died. I have a lot of trauma from that.

As a young adult, I supported myself by working minimum-wage jobs and pinching pennies. Put myself through college although it took me longer than most people. Unfortunately, my education didn't help much with my career. I was an admin. Didn't mind the work but kept getting bullied out. So much for job stability! Although I was a hard worker, I just didn't have a knack for office politics (ASD showing). I went from job to job until my age pretty much excluded me from the workforce, despite being several years away from retirement. Age discrimination is real and it is pervasive.

Never married, no kids. I had two relationships as a young adult but just couldn't find anyone after that, regardless of doing online dating and joining groups. Never quite figured out how to appeal to the opposite sex. I didn't plan to end up alone; it happened by default. Again, I believe being on the spectrum plays a role.

So the last five years have been the worst. Haven't been able to find steady work since COVID and I run out of savings this month. Other surreal events: the tragic deaths of my sister-in-law and brother, my closest family member; my mother's cold and callous rejection; losing a beloved pet; and my best friend betraying me.

In addition to depression and anxiety, I get to deal with menopause, CPTSD, chronic pain and an addiction I picked up to cope with it all. I have yet to find decent healthcare in this city (moved here during COVID).

I've been in meltdown mode for too long and it's not sustainable. I can no longer pay my bills. I'm not tough enough to survive homelessness.

I have nothing left to live for. Hence, CTB.

Well, there's my sh*tty life in a nutshell. If you lasted this long. thanks for reading! It's been cathartic writing it.

That's amazing because you sound so much like myself and my life with all the tragic surreal events. Abusive family history that set me up for a hellish ride. Like you, raised to cater for them and their needs instead of being able to develop my own identity. I've always been the family scapegoat, no job, no children, no man seriously considering me good enough to marry...and now I'm facing homelessness.

I studied too and I had a good career for a while, but it was highly competitive and because of my low self esteem and lack of support I could not deal well with stress and I made a rash decision that put my job on line. I then got chronic fatigue and ended up being my mothers carer. Soon after, she got cancer and passed away which was one of the most difficult times in my life. I ended up looking after my elderly abusive narc father with my golden child extreme narc sister taking over the role of my mother. I foolishly thought I could hang in. I had my dog at the time which was the only thing keeping me going, but she passed away over a year ago. I grieve her every day.

I dont have autuism like many in similar situations on here seem to have, but I have a tremor condtion and am very small, quiet and seen as an easy target for my family and others to bully. I've had difficulties with relationships, largely because I attract people with narc tendencies who give little but demand a lot from me, then when I can't give and need support myself, they blame and leave me without a care. Ive always been an outsider and never fitted in. Being a narc magnant, pleases my so called family because they enjoy seeing me alone and dependant on them.

Despite it all, I don't really want to CTB. I still want to enjoy beauty in the small things like growing flowers and watching sunsets. I would happily go live on my own with a dog in the country where I could heal and be at peace in nature, but I cant afford to. Either I go on the Street where I know I won't survive a day (too old to get a job) or I CBT. Logic speaks for itself.

 

[mourningyesterday]

got a rare condition called visual snow syndrome in 2023 i now can't use screens properly or go outside so lost all my hobbies. fast forward to this year got a bunch of digestive issues and can barely eat 6'2 weigh under 50kg just skin and bones and my body and brain is broken from fatigue and whatevr else is wrong with me

 

[Daphne]

W

That's amazing because you sound so much like myself and my life with all the tragic surreal events. Abusive family history that set me up for a hellish ride. I've always been the family scapegoat, no job, no children, no man seriously considering me good enough to marry...and now I'm facing homelessness.

I studied too and I had a good career for a while, but it was highly competitive and because of my low self esteem and lack of support I could not deal well with stress and I made a rash decision that put my job on line. I then got chronic fatigue and ended up being my mothers carer. Soon after, she got cancer and passed away which was one of the most difficult times in my life. I ended up looking after my elderly abusive narc father with my golden child extreme narc sister taking over the role of my mother. I foolishly thought I could hang in. I had my dog at the time which was the only thing keeping me going, but she passed away over a year ago. I grieve her every day.

I dont have autuism like many in similar situations on here seem to have, but I have a tremor condtion and am very small, quiet and seen as an easy target for my family and others to bully. I've had difficulties with relationships, largely because I attract people with narc tendencies who give little but demand a lot from me, then when I can't give and need support myself, they blame and leave me. Ive always been an outsider and never fitted in. Being a narc magnant, pleases my so called family because they enjoy seeing me alone and dependant on them.

Despite it all, I don't really want to CTB. I still want to enjoy beauty in the small things like growing flowers and watching sunsets. I would happily go live on my own with a dog in the country where I could heal and be at peace in nature, but I cant afford to. Either I go on the Street where I know I won't survive a day (too old to get a job) or I CBT. Logic speaks for itself.

Wow. So your family won't help? My landlady hasn't kicked me out yet; she's been laid back so far but I need to get her rent asap obviously. I have been applying to various charities for rent assistance. Small chance there, the demand exceeds the supply. I have jewelry to sell but can't guarantee a buyer. I have a nephew who's loaded but tight with $. I don't want to strain our relationship by asking for a loan. So it's one day at a time and I don't know what the future holds. I'm like you where I wouldn't ctb if I had some options in life. Right now though, I will go through with it when I am forced into homelessness. I live in a very hot climate and the streets are dangerous. There are a lot of homeless here. I don't have the street smarts to make it. So yeah, I will spare myself that life and won't fail my attempt this time.

 

[kopebaldy]

30 years old Vietnamese male.

Almost killed my mom while I was in the womb. My birth plunged the family into poverty, destroyed my parents' marriage and robbed my brother his childhood.

Growing up sick both mentally and physically, I costed the family lots of money and caused lots of grief.

I can never hold down a job because of my terrible mood swings and short tempers. These days I'm working 12+ hrs a day doing manual labor, no day off, most days without break. But it's the only job I can do and even then, it's a charity case from a relative.

My mom is 60 years old, has enough money for a comfortable retirement, but still decided not to because she's afraid that there wouldn't be enough money left for me when she dies.

As I live, I'll continue being a burden to myself and everyone else.

 

[Manfrotto99]

Wow. So your family won't help? My landlady hasn't kicked me out yet; she's been laid back so far but I need to get her rent asap obviously. I have been applying to various charities for rent assistance. Small chance there, the demand exceeds the supply. I have jewelry to sell but can't guarantee a buyer. I have a nephew who's loaded but tight with $. I don't want to strain our relationship by asking for a loan. So it's one day at a time and I don't know what the future holds. I'm like you where I wouldn't ctb if I had some options in life. Right now though, I will go through with it when I am forced into homelessness. I live in a very hot climate and the streets are dangerous. There are a lot of homeless here. I don't have the street smarts to make it. So yeah, I will spare myself that life and won't fail my attempt this

I am very sorry

My family won't actually kick me out, though they have and will continue to make it unbearable for me to stay at the same time. They need me around as someone to take all their crap out on all the time, otherwise they will take it out in one another and they can't have that. I get a carers allowence as long as I stay and endure the abuse, but it's not worth the abuse anymore, I'm numb and dead inside. Even if I had somewhere to go my sister would gladly leave her work and get the carers allowence and my father would cut off the family will. They would make out like I was crazy or unfit but would still want me around to take their abuse. It's all just manipulation and control.

 

[Freedomm]

I only see some user's stories. It's honestly really sad when you interact with someone on this site for so long and they post a Goodbye Thread and you never learn their story.

Sometimes it can feel a bit scary to post your story without being asked, so I get it.

But, I am asking for YOUR story.

You don't have to go into anything you're not comfortable with. I'd love to hear from you regardless. What brought you here? What's been weighing on you lately? Even if it's messy, or unfinished, or hard to explain, it matters.

I will go first, as it would be wrong to ask for your story without giving mine.

My life has been shaped by trauma. I've had suicidal thoughts since before I was ten. Home was full of conflict, abuse, and fear, my mom's threats, my sibling's violence, the constant fighting. School wasn't any better. I was undiagnosed autistic and had ADHD, isolated both at home and in class. I bounced between two different hells every day.

I lost the only person who really tried. My dad. He wasn't perfect, but I love him and I miss him.

And now, as an adult and a trans woman in a country that makes survival feel like resistance, it's exhausting.

If you're willing to open up, I'm listening. You're not just a username on a site. You deserve to be seen.

I've been thinking about boarding a bus since I was 14, I'm not going to describe any bad moments in my life, it's pointless. I just realized that there's nothing keeping me here, I'm tired of it. I found this forum when I was studying the "exit bag" method, I was incredibly surprised and shocked that there are a lot of such people. I have a future, I have money, there are no special problems. I feel sorry for people who have serious problems. But I'm just tired, I don't see the point in continuing this suffering, I don't want to eat, I don't want to do anything. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I don't care about most things. Even if I were rich, I would use that money to get Nembutal). All I can say is that I'm not half here, I exist like a zombie, and therefore I see no point in continuing to suffer. I'm glad that I'm not the only one, and I'm so sorry that people can't get on the bus safely and have to resort to radical methods.

 

[Verena2]

I am from Spain , i was the happiest in the world, one year ago illness appeared. I am suffering a lot , a lot of pain , a lot of fear , i dont want to live . Life is horrible , especially being sick

I feel for you. Being ill is hard. About 2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer, had treatment & felt I could get on. But in last 15 months, been ill with so different things. I can't sleep because of pain, feeling wrecked every morning & nothing helps. Doctors don't understand how much of a struggle everything is.

 

[DirtCommie]

30 M from canada . There's many reasons I can think of right now that make me wanna CTB and Ibfeelbthat each of the reasons play a part in my story . I might just edit this in the morning to add more reasons.

So Im a Nigerian guy born and raised in canada and when I was younger I learned about how the canadian government was able to make a fortune by enslaving Nigerians just like me and not paying them reparations. That plays a part into why my family is so unimaginably poor when I was born AND sttill am today.

Also Im one lf the few Nigerians in canada. I experienced WAAAY too much racism in school and that was probably cause I was one of the only Nigerian guys in most of my classes and when just going about my day at parks . There are examples I can think of this like when one student calling me 'a dumb hard er when she was mad that I did something incorrectly to other students ostracizing me caause of my color. One of them even told me specificallty that they never want to talk to me cause 'all you °°°°° people are the same and thats why I dont want to talk to you' ...As far as Im concerned No consequences were doled out to any of the people who did thesse things. (Wow! for a country that calls itself 'tHe MulTiCulTurAl MosAiC' you would think...) Ive always been very much a loner even when I go to groups that are meant to meet new people I always find myself getting unusuall y ostracized even when I reach out and am annoyingly persistent in making connections with one or two specific people. Honestly I cannot tell if Im just terrible at pikcing who to befriend and keeping my friendships or if Im just being ostracized or brletrayed . MAybe this answer will be revealed to me eventually by someone... (I think Ive also found people in these groups who were just as not good as keeping their friendships as I am cause they dont seem to be putting in any effort to keep our connections going . Id send them a message or Id ask them if they wanna hang out , or if they just wanna talk and they get back to me a month or two later ....uhhhhhh. I am not like this. I want to keep connected often with my friends and I have to work up the courage to tell these guys that this current style of communication aint gonna cut it for me.)

Global warming was always something that has been on my mind growing up cauese many teachers and adults I knew talked about it up and down and seeing as how my natural life should last about anywhere between 45-95 more years I damn sure that global warming will effect me in some type of way. probably negatively I am thinking cause I currently live near the water of the atlantic Ocean.... I also watched a video that shows that according to the current climate change forecast estimates there will be anywhere between 2-3 BILLION, YES B.I.L.L.I.O.N. climate refugees YES you read that correctly, emigrating from the GLobal South to the Global North within the next 50-75 years when global warming REALLY starts ramping up even if we stopped using products that emit GHGs into the air today as I type this. Thats how bad its gonna be. So well luckily I am a canadian citizen so I wont have to be a refugee tho I do feel so bad that there is going to be so many people from the GLobal South suffering because of pollutants that I and especially the canadian government have furiously put out into the air. AND OF COURSE most governments of the Global Notth, like canada, dont actually give a damn about this impact that theyre having on so so many people. I for one have chosen to reduce my carbon footprint as much as possible so I will never own a car or have kids cause apparently those are two of the most damaging things you can do to the environment cause of all the parking space they have to make for new cars and all the gas guzzling cars do. And why would I want to birth a child into this ... 'mess' ? Just no. Also something Ill add that has me kinda fucked in the head is that I noticed that my last 3 CTB attempts occurred when I drank tap water from this apartment Im living in and in my friend's apartment from across town. But now that I have switched to bottled water I havent tried to CTB in the last 4 years. I tried switch back to tap water once and my CTB thoughts went OUT OF CONTROL. Then I switched back to bottled water and ...POOF! most of my desires to CTB just disappeared. Umm I find it very maddening that I cant even trust the very water which I help to pay for (I do pay and report my taxes every year so...) and I have to resort to polluting the airs, the seas , landfills and forests with toxic , unbiodegradable plastic bottles of water just so that I dont CTB.... Like....what?

Also wooow do I hate all the jobs Ive had. Theyve always paid chicken change and have been unusually hard and they all feel unrewarding DOesnt really feel like Im helping my community in any way from them is what I feel. Ive met people from them who were kind and also sort of cool from them but is it evrr a good idea to seek out co workers as friends? Sounds like a bad idea to me. At my current pay I will NEVER be able to buy a home. Not even in my wildest imaginations lol. Im practically homeless now that I think about it. I miss a paycheque or two ? and BOOM off to the streets I go. How is housing NOT a human right? Are humans and our pets meant to be battered all night long by the snow and rain? ...

Also I recently learned that technically canada is also a se ttler co nlonial state too. The canadian government is super guilty of doing to the NAtives here many years ago here what the isr aeli government is doing to Pa lestinians (they barely paidy rep ara tions for this as well. ) . The ge enocide in PAle stine has been sort of turbo fuel for my CTB desires cause like ...1 . the caadian government has GLADLY continued sending weapons to isra el for the entire course of this geno cide and 2. there isnt really anything that stops the canadian government from initiating something like that over here....right now....as I type this... What will happen to the Natives? WHat would happen to minorities? O.M.G. I dont even want to think about it. Honestly it makes me scared out of my mind that such a thing not only can happen but has happened before and very little re par at ions was paid out and very little was done to ensure that such a thing could never happen again. Everywhere Im walking it just feels like Im walking on Stolen Land . I feel as if am walking on graves and I dont likeit it makes me so sad ... We should respect the d ead obviously!

Thanks for all your stories. MAy we all find liberty, genuine love , genuine connections and a source of joy or two in our lives that genuinely makes us want to show others just how much life is worth living

 

[DirtCommie]

I'll go. Thank you for this thread.

I am probably older than most here. Struggled with mental health since childhood. Come to find out later, I check nearly all the boxes for high-functioning autism. I grew up in a time when kids weren't screened for this, although my brother was diagnosed early with ADHD.

So I think being neurodivergent is the root of some serious problems in life. Socially, I always struggled to fit in and understand people. I hid most of the time to avoid bullies and abuse at home. Wasn't molested, thank God but there was physical and psychological abuse. My mother is a narcissist so that took its toll.

I was raised to cater to her and never formed my own identity. She kicked me out at 18. I tried hard to please her most of my life but we are opposites and she's disappointed in how I turned out. She disowned and discarded me a few years ago on the day my brother died. I have a lot of trauma from that.

As a young adult, I supported myself by working minimum-wage jobs and pinching pennies. Put myself through college although it took me longer than most people. Unfortunately, my education didn't help much with my career. I was an admin. Didn't mind the work but kept getting bullied out. So much for job stability! Although I was a hard worker, I just didn't have a knack for office politics (ASD showing). I went from job to job until my age pretty much excluded me from the workforce, despite being several years away from retirement. Age discrimination is real and it is pervasive.

Never married, no kids. I had two relationships as a young adult but just couldn't find anyone after that, regardless of doing online dating and joining groups. Never quite figured out how to appeal to the opposite sex. I didn't plan to end up alone; it happened by default. Again, I believe being on the spectrum plays a role.

So the last five years have been the worst. Haven't been able to find steady work since COVID and I run out of savings this month. Other surreal events: the tragic deaths of my sister-in-law and brother, my closest family member; my mother's cold and callous rejection; losing a beloved pet; and my best friend betraying me.

In addition to depression and anxiety, I get to deal with menopause, CPTSD, chronic pain and an addiction I picked up to cope with it all. I have yet to find decent healthcare in this city (moved here during COVID).

I've been in meltdown mode for too long and it's not sustainable. I can no longer pay my bills. I'm not tough enough to survive homelessness.

I have nothing left to live for. Hence, CTB.

Well, there's my sh*tty life in a nutshell. If you lasted this long. thanks for reading! It's been cathartic writing it.

....damn.... further proof that housing is a hu man ri ght regardless of what anyone says.

Also why have humans created a world where isolationism, forced assimilation, and psychopathy is more rewarded than diversity, andn genuine respectful connections? Arent humans social creatures? We are meant to be respectful towards each other regardless of our neurodivergence or our ethnicities, or our ages, or our creed. Ridiculous!

Sorry thst all happened to you

30 years old Vietnamese male.

Almost killed my mom while I was in the womb. My birth plunged the family into poverty, destroyed my parents' marriage and robbed my brother his childhood.

Growing up sick both mentally and physically, I costed the family lots of money and caused lots of grief.

I can never hold down a job because of my terrible mood swings and short tempers. These days I'm working 12+ hrs a day doing manual labor, no day off, most days without break. But it's the only job I can do and even then, it's a charity case from a relative.

My mom is 60 years old, has enough money for a comfortable retirement, but still decided not to because she's afraid that there wouldn't be enough money left for me when she dies.

As I live, I'll continue being a burden to myself and everyone else.

When I used to work every day it felt like modern day slavery. Id rather be homeless personally. Humans NEED time to rest anyone who says otherwise ? isnt human IMO.

Im surprised that the Vietnamese government would allow someone to be placed under such conditions. Didnt the Vietnamese government learn anything from when they were enslaved by the french, japanese and americsns givernments?

Sorry that youre going through that.

30 years old Vietnamese male.

Almost killed my mom while I was in the womb. My birth plunged the family into poverty, destroyed my parents' marriage and robbed my brother his childhood.

Growing up sick both mentally and physically, I costed the family lots of money and caused lots of grief.

I can never hold down a job because of my terrible mood swings and short tempers. These days I'm working 12+ hrs a day doing manual labor, no day off, most days without break. But it's the only job I can do and even then, it's a charity case from a relative.

My mom is 60 years old, has enough money for a comfortable retirement, but still decided not to because she's afraid that there wouldn't be enough money left for me when she dies.

As I live, I'll continue being a burden to myself and everyone else.

When I used to work every day it felt like modern day slavery. Id rather be homeless personally. Humans NEED time to rest anyone who says otherwise ? isnt human IMO.

Im surprised that the Vietnamese government would allow someone to be placed under such conditions. Didnt the Vietnamese government learn anything from when they were enslaved by the french, japanese and americsns givernments?

Sorry that youre going through that.

W

That's amazing because you sound so much like myself and my life with all the tragic surreal events. Abusive family history that set me up for a hellish ride. Like you, raised to cater for them and their needs instead of being able to develop my own identity. I've always been the family scapegoat, no job, no children, no man seriously considering me good enough to marry...and now I'm facing homelessness.

I studied too and I had a good career for a while, but it was highly competitive and because of my low self esteem and lack of support I could not deal well with stress and I made a rash decision that put my job on line. I then got chronic fatigue and ended up being my mothers carer. Soon after, she got cancer and passed away which was one of the most difficult times in my life. I ended up looking after my elderly abusive narc father with my golden child extreme narc sister taking over the role of my mother. I foolishly thought I could hang in. I had my dog at the time which was the only thing keeping me going, but she passed away over a year ago. I grieve her every day.

I dont have autuism like many in similar situations on here seem to have, but I have a tremor condtion and am very small, quiet and seen as an easy target for my family and others to bully. I've had difficulties with relationships, largely because I attract people with narc tendencies who give little but demand a lot from me, then when I can't give and need support myself, they blame and leave me without a care. Ive always been an outsider and never fitted in. Being a narc magnant, pleases my so called family because they enjoy seeing me alone and dependant on them.

Despite it all, I don't really want to CTB. I still want to enjoy beauty in the small things like growing flowers and watching sunsets. I would happily go live on my own with a dog in the country where I could heal and be at peace in nature, but I cant afford to. Either I go on the Street where I know I won't survive a day (too old to get a job) or I CBT. Logic speaks for itself.

further proof that housing is a human right.

Ya narc parents make no sense in my opinion. Why would you have children if youre going to hate them so much? Or if youre going to treat one of them so badly?

Thanks for sharing that and sorry that youre going throigh that