What is your primary reason for wanting to ctb?

[Dangerdonkey333]

A lot of past trauma, to put it bluntly. Finding it very hard to get over. Sometimes it just comes bubbling to the surface causing emotional crashes. On top of not really doing anything with my life.

 

[DCLXVI]

There's so many reasons for me, that it's truly hard to sum it up in one generalization. But essentially, because life isn't fair and I'm SO fucking sick and exhausted of always getting the shit end of the stick.
I've only ever felt that I was truly loved by the man of my dreams. And he was ripped away from me in a horrible accident this past July. It's like time is moving as if I'm stuck in gelatin ever since. He was what made me feel like life could be worth it. I have SO many fucking issues from my childhood.
I never asked to have this life. I never asked to be here. And I certainly didn't ask to turn out to be a borderline personality, depressed, suicidal piece of worthless shit stuck in a cycle where nothing matters because we all live to die. I didn't ask to be molested by my father from a young age. Or for my mother to secretly know and let it continue. Or for me to tell my grandmother, the only person I trusted enough to tell about the abuse, just for her to do absolutely NOTHING, not even tell my mother. I didn't ask to be severely neglected (and at times abandoned) by our parents, or to raise my two autistic younger siblings from a very young age. I didn't ask for every adult in my life to clearly see we weren't okay, and just turn a blind eye to us. I didn't ask to be raped by my first boyfriend when I was 14, or to have to have the abortion that followed.
I DID ask to die. Several, several times. And I've gotten so fucking close. I flatlined twice when I overdosed by taking over 270 pills. Unfortunately, I was too stupid to know I could request DNR on my file at the time and was revived both times. Obviously. But God I wish I would've been beyond repair. I wish life would've just let me FINALLY have some fucking peace. But here we are. Been through cutting, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, suicidal ideation, indirect (and direct) suicide attempts, literal death, and the death of the only person I've ever felt genuine love from in my entire fucking life. And this is all just scratching the surface of my issues.

So yeah. Fuck life.

 

[Abyssal]

1. Me
2. Myself
3. I

 

[Vesiira]

For me it's having no future that's nearly satisfying. Just more boredom, emptiness and dissatisfaction.

mainly there's just a lot of emotions and memories i deal with on a daily basis. constant loop of anxiety and dread and sadness. a lot to handle and it hurts. i don't want to feel it anymore. :/

 

[Toobrokentofix]

I am worthless and alone. I can't get over the sexual abuse and rapes I've endured since I was 4 years old. I detest myself and have spent many decades trying to get better, but the older I get the more I realise I cannot stand myself. My thoughts, my fucked up personality, my disgusting body. I just wish I could disappear without a trace. Without leaving this legacy for my children to carry. I'm too selfish to stay, even for them.

 

[ForeverBroken]

Depression and anxiety
Loneliness
My son hates me
Loved ones are gone
Physical and mental pain
Inability to do things I'd like to do
No longer have the energy to care

 

[urwelcomelb]

basically how miserable my future seems. I'll be sad and dissatisfied forever, even if I heal from my trauma, I can't find myself being happy in a world like this. It's immature of me, but I honestly just wish I could be happy doing things I like and playing video games with my friends without having any responsibilities like a job, but I'll have to work a boring job that I hate with no free time for the rest of my life, which is just a miserable existencel

 

[traumer]

cat and grandma died. mom didn't have no energ y

 

[enough of this]

A lot of past trauma, to put it bluntly. Finding it very hard to get over. Sometimes it just comes bubbling to the surface causing emotional crashes. On top of not really doing anything with my life.

We sound so much alike. That's exactly where I am with my life. All the years I've been alive, I've just been trying to escape.

 

[ThymeToLeave]

I'm tired of being miserable. Years of therapy medication and life changes meant nothing, the problem is me.

 

[Welcoming_The_Dark]

My husband asked for a divorce for some very legitimate reasons. I have borderline personality disorder... this is quite common for us under the "frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment" symptom. I just don't want to be single, or go through asset separation. He and his family were my only loved ones. I don't have friends, and I cut my abusive family out over a decade ago. Because of my mental health issues, guaranteed he would get sole custody of our daughter. So it leaves me profoundly alone, and I just don't want to live through any of that.

 

[killmepleasefast]

because of my failure

 

[BlackMoon]

-No one loves me.
-No one will ever love me.
-I have to be someone else every second of my fucking life, just to live without harassment/threats/etc.
-Anybody would judge me as monstrous or disgusting if they really knew me.
-I hate this world.

 

[jackrussell023]

40 plus years of being told my views and wants aren't allowed, in addition to not being able to make friends - just acquaintances who never call or invite me to things. Have lost all purpose, other than existing, and don't see how will find one.

 

[Orbitc]

I hate myself, I hate my state (Fucking Russia) and I hate the people around me who are zombified by propaganda about the fucking patriotism of the "Great Fatherland".

I'm sick of the people around me. I'm sick of this system and the stupidity of people. I'm sick of myself because I'm a fucking coward who doesn't do anything to change anything.

Почему ты не уедешь? Сейчас есть не мало возможностей получить например политическое убежище в Европе или Америке или же просто поехать в какую нибудь страну СНГ вроде Казахстана или Киргизии и начать там жизнь заново. Многие мои знакомые из Москвы бежали в другие страны. Для этого не обязательно иметь много денег - однажды я уехала в Россию и у меня была только пара сотен долларов - я нашла работу в Москве и проработала там больше 5 лет. На самом деле с большой теплотой вспоминаю своих коллег, работодателя и друзей в Москве. К сожалению сейчас я не могу поехать туда потому что большинство состоятельных мужчин уехало а я работала в сфере эскорта.
Америка сейчас принимает имигрантов - на границе хаос - об этом много пишут в твитторе - при Байдене никто их не выдворяет

 

[SadScarlet]

I'm a worthless waste of air. Have crippling depression with severe OCD. ADHD that I feel makes me seem weird. Childhood trauma that hasn't healed. Being trying for help over and over again, but nobody cares, even so called professionals. No friends, hardly any family, and the one I cared about, recently passed away. Chronically feel alone. All I do is cry…

 

[tristis_melodiam]

Loneliness and depression. Also unsure about my own future. I feel like I've let my parents and the people close to me down just by existing.

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

my partner who passed.

what happened?

 

[maddog58]

Intense anxiety, depression, dissociation, numbness, inability to express emotions

 

[lifeisbutadream]

Physical pain.

 

[deletedsnake]

Being trans and knowing I will never be able to feel at home in this body.

 

[rixthewizard]

Black Magic, i'm possesed.

 

[FutureHanger]

Got into self improvement, mental health set me back then I realised I won't get over my issues quickly enough to get back on track with self improvement on the time frame i was hoping to and so I've realised I'm better off dying than putting myself thru the bullshit I'll face as a result of mental health dragging me down

 

[oddetoad]

Because this is a simulation

 

[until death]

No more feelings

 

[qawsed]

Panic Disorder / agoraphobia and treatment resistant depression (TRD) that I've been trying to treat for around ten years.

The suicidal thoughts are just automatic for me.

 

[rozeske]

Ontop of having financial problems on and off depression, progressing anxiety, loneliness, the feeling of being unlovable, constant anger and truma towards having a sad childhood filled with verbal and physical abuse and loosing hope that life would get any better to name a few

 

[Kit1]

Survivor/victim of child sexual abuse and other types of child abuse from before age of 2 followed by homelessness as a young teenager, abandonment at birth, isolation, betrayal, complex PTSD, autism and a number of medical conditions. The main challenge are the flashbacks, nightmares and dissociation.

 

[hi-okbye]

what happened?

everything was going great then my life just sort of fell apart in the matter of weeks. at the beginning of the summer he ended up having a heart issue. I wasn't there but from what I know he was just walking or something when he collapsed. they tried to save him but it was too late and after being in a coma for a few days they took him off life supported and he died.

he was basically everything to me. I have mental issues where I become obsessive over people. I'm glad I got the time with him that I did, and that he died knowing someone loved him at least. A lot of people did actually, he was a great person.

On my end though, it was essentially a living hell ever since, I was suicidal before I met him so I just went back, but worse. He was the only thing I was living for and it feels worthless to keep going after he's gone. a lot of people say it and it sounds corny to me but when I say he was my other half, he litterally was.

I've talked to some other people who've experienced loss as well, I watch them all move forward with their lives and it feels like something's wrong because I always feel the same. It hasn't "gotten easier" sometimes I still feel the same pain I did when I first found out.

sorry this was so long and vent-y.

 

[Old Friend]

That a really heartbreaking story. I'm so sorry.