G
Georgii
Arcanist
- Sep 25, 2019
- 433
I hate this sentence ,I hate that I don't even know the answer myself
Me and my partner been together for 8 years , a good part of those years I've endured his aggressive behaviour both physical and physical, sometimes worse then others .
This would come in episodes , ups and downs .. whenever I broke it off or when he walked away , we still ended up together ..
Just like now ,for almost a month now things been.. good ..
I know this isn't in no way a health relationship , most of the time I can't even tell if he is joking or he is being passive aggressive with me .
I always feel on thin ice waiting for him to snap .
Every little thing I do out of ordinary would mean I'm cheating , I'm fucking someone else behind his back .
He no longer says it screaming in my face ..he says it sarcastically ,like a joke he says .
For a good while now I've realised , that this relationship is the only thing keeping me away from CTB , with his controlling behavior I always mess up my plan .It's messed up but I know the moment I would be free .. alone , it would be the day I do it .
There is hatred , a lot of hatred in me to the point that I simply loath myself for being like this .
I know I was fucked up even before I meet him , I know he isn't the root of my "issues"(or whatever is going on in my mind) .
I know I'm no good .. pinpointing all of it on him .. it feels like In giving the problem a name ..as long as it isn't me ..
So when he asks me ...
I don't know , I don't fucking know what is wrong with me.
I don't know why the hell my mind keep bringing up the past, I don't know why I get irked over the dumbest things .I don't know why I can't have that ambition to do better .
Sorry for all the rambling ..I'm having trouble expressing myself in a clean manner ..its always a mess .
Me and my partner been together for 8 years , a good part of those years I've endured his aggressive behaviour both physical and physical, sometimes worse then others .
This would come in episodes , ups and downs .. whenever I broke it off or when he walked away , we still ended up together ..
Just like now ,for almost a month now things been.. good ..
I know this isn't in no way a health relationship , most of the time I can't even tell if he is joking or he is being passive aggressive with me .
I always feel on thin ice waiting for him to snap .
Every little thing I do out of ordinary would mean I'm cheating , I'm fucking someone else behind his back .
He no longer says it screaming in my face ..he says it sarcastically ,like a joke he says .
For a good while now I've realised , that this relationship is the only thing keeping me away from CTB , with his controlling behavior I always mess up my plan .It's messed up but I know the moment I would be free .. alone , it would be the day I do it .
There is hatred , a lot of hatred in me to the point that I simply loath myself for being like this .
I know I was fucked up even before I meet him , I know he isn't the root of my "issues"(or whatever is going on in my mind) .
I know I'm no good .. pinpointing all of it on him .. it feels like In giving the problem a name ..as long as it isn't me ..
So when he asks me ...
I don't know , I don't fucking know what is wrong with me.
I don't know why the hell my mind keep bringing up the past, I don't know why I get irked over the dumbest things .I don't know why I can't have that ambition to do better .
Sorry for all the rambling ..I'm having trouble expressing myself in a clean manner ..its always a mess .