Of course the implications of your existence can contribute to your suffering (or define it).
I mean something specifically.
I think the implications of my existence are sometimes even worse than my raw suffering.
I hate that I achieved nothing in my life, I hate to be a failure, having no partner, being such an outcast, feeling so isolated not many people in real life can relate to my experience. I feel so ashamed when I meet people who I know from school. So many people saw potential in me. But they didn't really met me when I wasn't in the midstof a hypomanic/mixed episode. My life has completely changed since. I feel ashamed about my life. Though, theoretically not many people know how I am living. And I am tormenting yselfe over nothing. Because strangers don't think about me. I worry way too much what other people think of me, how I am perceived, whether I hurt people in the past. I think how I am perceived is extremely important for my psyche. And I torture myself so that other people perceive me in a way I prefer. I think I am not reading all these articles for me. I do this so that other people perceive in a certain way. Or so that the narrative I tell myself about myself is more accurate.
One point is: theoretically when I look at my suffering. And I think I suffer a lot. Really existentially. I should be kinder to myself. On top of this horrible life quality I am bullying myself all the time. I could never treat me like a friend. Actually, I really like that my friends don't care about status, reputation, a career, sex as status symbol. But my thinking patterns are way too rigid. I always cringe about myself when I suspect people could perceive me in certain unpleasant ways.
It so much useless worrying. Strangers don't care. And they shouldn't matter. But I cannot change who I am and how I function.
I mean something specifically.
I think the implications of my existence are sometimes even worse than my raw suffering.
I hate that I achieved nothing in my life, I hate to be a failure, having no partner, being such an outcast, feeling so isolated not many people in real life can relate to my experience. I feel so ashamed when I meet people who I know from school. So many people saw potential in me. But they didn't really met me when I wasn't in the midstof a hypomanic/mixed episode. My life has completely changed since. I feel ashamed about my life. Though, theoretically not many people know how I am living. And I am tormenting yselfe over nothing. Because strangers don't think about me. I worry way too much what other people think of me, how I am perceived, whether I hurt people in the past. I think how I am perceived is extremely important for my psyche. And I torture myself so that other people perceive me in a way I prefer. I think I am not reading all these articles for me. I do this so that other people perceive in a certain way. Or so that the narrative I tell myself about myself is more accurate.
One point is: theoretically when I look at my suffering. And I think I suffer a lot. Really existentially. I should be kinder to myself. On top of this horrible life quality I am bullying myself all the time. I could never treat me like a friend. Actually, I really like that my friends don't care about status, reputation, a career, sex as status symbol. But my thinking patterns are way too rigid. I always cringe about myself when I suspect people could perceive me in certain unpleasant ways.
It so much useless worrying. Strangers don't care. And they shouldn't matter. But I cannot change who I am and how I function.
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