princexhhn
did i make a mistake?
- Sep 26, 2023
- 446
I guess this is a vent, it's driven more by my personal feelings than logical thought.
Whats the point? Why the hell would i want to stay alive? My first diagnosis was mild depression, i was supposed to get better after that because I started treatment. But no, now i have severe depression next to BPD, PTSD, and anxiety. Yeah i know i can get treatment, but all that treatment does is lessen my symptoms. All it does is manage it, this stupid shit doesnt seem reversible. Doesnt seem like i can live without it in my system anymore, but i can water it down and manage the symptoms. Why the hell would i do that? I dont want this. I never asked for this. I have to live with the damage i got from other people forever? And now i have to put more effort just to become functionally normal. That effort wont even cure me, this shit will always be in my system, are you telling me i have to tip toe my whole life? Have this in the back of my mind? I wouldnt have this, any of this, if i wasnt harmed by other people to begin with. None of my mental illnesses would be mine if i wasnt traumatized by someone else. Born into this world without my permission, only to go through unfortunate circumstances. Recovery just feels like making up for someone else's mistakes. All that effort just to keep my head above water, but ill never be able to swim to shore, even if thats where i was before i fell into the ocean. I can manage it but i will never be who i used to be. I will never be that person again.
Im not even a good fucking person, by normal means. Im toxic, violent, manipulative. Recently I found out my best friend gets scared when im mad, which made me realize just how violent i could be and how she witnessed it. My emotions are so explosive that i feel like a landmine, and so many times my friends and family were at the receiving end of it. I am such a genuinely shitty person, not a single person in the world that i say i "love" who hasnt been at the receiving end of my anger. I wasn't physically violent, I couldn't do that. I didn't hit them. I hit everything else, though, including myself. All those people still stay in my life and understood that i was just really fucked up and still aid me in recovery because they "want me in their lives" and it kills me. I love them we have a good relationship but how can i live with the fact that i have hurt you and i cant cure these mental illnesses… so what happens if i relapse and hurt you again? Recently i missed one day of my medicine, and ended up splitting on my mother. Everything felt so intense and i ended up cutting myself in front of her mid argument and crying about how she should have never given birth to me, while i barely noticed the blood streaming down because i cant focus on anything. I dont want to live like a ticking time bomb. Yeah i can learn to regulate it and i try but i keep fucking up and still hurt people, so whats the point? Why file down my fangs when i still bite anyway? Im trying to recover god knows but i keep fucking up and i just cant take it anymore. Why should i make anything right if im gonna fuck up again anyway?
everything about me is wrong, or at least it feels that way. It always feels as if everyone knows something i dont. I dont know how to exist without being told that im allowed to. It just constantly feels like i shouldnt be alive. The fact that i exist as a living being right now doesnt feel right. Nothing feels right.
this is stupid but i just needed to let it out, i have nobody to tell this to.
Whats the point? Why the hell would i want to stay alive? My first diagnosis was mild depression, i was supposed to get better after that because I started treatment. But no, now i have severe depression next to BPD, PTSD, and anxiety. Yeah i know i can get treatment, but all that treatment does is lessen my symptoms. All it does is manage it, this stupid shit doesnt seem reversible. Doesnt seem like i can live without it in my system anymore, but i can water it down and manage the symptoms. Why the hell would i do that? I dont want this. I never asked for this. I have to live with the damage i got from other people forever? And now i have to put more effort just to become functionally normal. That effort wont even cure me, this shit will always be in my system, are you telling me i have to tip toe my whole life? Have this in the back of my mind? I wouldnt have this, any of this, if i wasnt harmed by other people to begin with. None of my mental illnesses would be mine if i wasnt traumatized by someone else. Born into this world without my permission, only to go through unfortunate circumstances. Recovery just feels like making up for someone else's mistakes. All that effort just to keep my head above water, but ill never be able to swim to shore, even if thats where i was before i fell into the ocean. I can manage it but i will never be who i used to be. I will never be that person again.
Im not even a good fucking person, by normal means. Im toxic, violent, manipulative. Recently I found out my best friend gets scared when im mad, which made me realize just how violent i could be and how she witnessed it. My emotions are so explosive that i feel like a landmine, and so many times my friends and family were at the receiving end of it. I am such a genuinely shitty person, not a single person in the world that i say i "love" who hasnt been at the receiving end of my anger. I wasn't physically violent, I couldn't do that. I didn't hit them. I hit everything else, though, including myself. All those people still stay in my life and understood that i was just really fucked up and still aid me in recovery because they "want me in their lives" and it kills me. I love them we have a good relationship but how can i live with the fact that i have hurt you and i cant cure these mental illnesses… so what happens if i relapse and hurt you again? Recently i missed one day of my medicine, and ended up splitting on my mother. Everything felt so intense and i ended up cutting myself in front of her mid argument and crying about how she should have never given birth to me, while i barely noticed the blood streaming down because i cant focus on anything. I dont want to live like a ticking time bomb. Yeah i can learn to regulate it and i try but i keep fucking up and still hurt people, so whats the point? Why file down my fangs when i still bite anyway? Im trying to recover god knows but i keep fucking up and i just cant take it anymore. Why should i make anything right if im gonna fuck up again anyway?
everything about me is wrong, or at least it feels that way. It always feels as if everyone knows something i dont. I dont know how to exist without being told that im allowed to. It just constantly feels like i shouldnt be alive. The fact that i exist as a living being right now doesnt feel right. Nothing feels right.
this is stupid but i just needed to let it out, i have nobody to tell this to.
