Help What is the best way to convince yourself to CTB?

[marian25]

I'm currently 34 and about 20 years ago I reached the conclusion that I probably wouldn't die naturally, but CTB sooner or later. Last year, things got worse (or maybe better? Depends how you look at it, as getting closer to CTB means ending one's problems) and I finally convinced myself that further living doesn't make much sense and tried to lie on the train tracks. However, it turns out I just can't CTB while being conscious. Last August when I was really 100% sure, I took melatonine, some non-presciption sleeping medicine and drank some alcohol but didn't fall asleep on the tracks and got away. After that, I succeeded in getting Zolpidem and it's still waiting for the right moment.

However, I just can't get myself down enough. I found that some people recommend affirmations as a way to boost your mood and I thought that I need something opposite and found out about negative affirmations, like https://www.happierhuman.com/negative-self-talk-examples/
Many of them fit me, some don't. But it turns out just repeating them in my thoughts gets repeatable after a while.

I almost stopped talking to people, apart from when it's necessary. It's not like I had talked much previously, I have Asperger's and find human interaction hard anyway, but now I'm almost always silent. That also seems to bring down my mood considerably and I have noticed lately that quite often my attitude to life is quite negative. But I guess I need something more.

Now, that seems quite easy, e.g. drop a job, get homeless, go on heroin etc. Thing is, there's no guarantee it will get me to CTB and those things will be hard to fix if I after all don't CTB.
So I'm fine with any mental excercises that don't affect my physical health etc. but don't want to get into things that would complicate my life if I after all live.

Hence my question, what do you recommend? Some new affirmations, maybe reading some depressing books, watching some movies / tv-series, some depressing music? Anything that comes to mind.

 

[SMxj9]

Why do you want to CTB?

 

[Hollowman]

There is no best way. You'll know when it's time to go.

 

[bpdscared9]

There's no right way to do it. Dying is a choice and you gotta be ready for that and it's consequences. But there is actually not a perfect way to impulse you to do it!

Once the day arrives, you'll know, OP. Stay safe!

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

Dunno. As much as I want to live, and that a world without me would be awfully dull and grey, this isn't up to me. For if I die, I die; though my father, mother, and the whole world forsake me, the Lord will surely bring me up. (Esther 4:11, Psalm 27:10)

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

What's the rush???

 

[marian25]

OK, so there's no way to literally worsen your mood? There must be, after all people talk about positive thinking, affirmations etc. that will do the reverse. I'm tired of living in between, not ready to die, but not willing to live. I want to go back to how I felt last August when I was waiting for the train, just this time sound asleep.

 

[PanaxMan]

I'm currently 34 and about 20 years ago I reached the conclusion that I probably wouldn't die naturally, but CTB sooner or later. Last year, things got worse (or maybe better? Depends how you look at it, as getting closer to CTB means ending one's problems) and I finally convinced myself that further living doesn't make much sense and tried to lie on the train tracks. However, it turns out I just can't CTB while being conscious. Last August when I was really 100% sure, I took melatonine, some non-presciption sleeping medicine and drank some alcohol but didn't fall asleep on the tracks and got away. After that, I succeeded in getting Zolpidem and it's still waiting for the right moment.

However, I just can't get myself down enough. I found that some people recommend affirmations as a way to boost your mood and I thought that I need something opposite and found out about negative affirmations, like https://www.happierhuman.com/negative-self-talk-examples/
Many of them fit me, some don't. But it turns out just repeating them in my thoughts gets repeatable after a while.

I almost stopped talking to people, apart from when it's necessary. It's not like I had talked much previously, I have Asperger's and find human interaction hard anyway, but now I'm almost always silent. That also seems to bring down my mood considerably and I have noticed lately that quite often my attitude to life is quite negative. But I guess I need something more.

Now, that seems quite easy, e.g. drop a job, get homeless, go on heroin etc. Thing is, there's no guarantee it will get me to CTB and those things will be hard to fix if I after all don't CTB.
So I'm fine with any mental excercises that don't affect my physical health etc. but don't want to get into things that would complicate my life if I after all live.

Hence my question, what do you recommend? Some new affirmations, maybe reading some depressing books, watching some movies / tv-series, some depressing music? Anything that comes to mind.

I'm currently homeless and barely have enuf to get back on my feet. If life circumstances get horrible it tends to push one towards ctb

 

[marian25]

Yes, that's my problem. I know it sounds stupid but basically even though I earn well, I'm not really happy with my life and that's always been the case.

 

[Bishop]

I wish I knew honestly

 

[Off_Switch]

The only thing that would tempt me to stay is if blood started getting shed in the streets and people starting getting violent about all the corruption that is pushing us to the bus stop. We aren't angry enough. Revolution needs to happen.

 

[wine is fine but]

if you have to ask, then you do not want to do it at this moment or at all

most people do not take their own life when at their lowest point - the human spirit is much to strong to just quit

they take their own life when they actually seem happier to others and much more rational than at other times

trying to get yourself to your lowest point is not always going to be helpful in the quest of suicide

but, once again, if you have to ask people here how to make you want to die, then it is not what you want

Yes, that's my problem. I know it sounds stupid but basically even though I earn well, I'm not really happy with my life and that's always been the case.

well, then you need to think very seriously about how to change your life, because like many, you are not happy with what you are doing and only looking inside yourself to find out what you really want can help you

 

[medinjured521]

Yes, that's my problem. I know it sounds stupid but basically even though I earn well, I'm not really happy with my life and that's always been the case.

Take antidepressants or benzos and then withdrawal from them. Become damaged by meds like some of us here! ( please don't do this)

 

[Mio_Kamimachi]

at some point you will know it has to be done. its not a concious decision. it isnt for me. you just know. comparable to a person on their death bed, he stays alive just long enough for all his family to come visit one last time and once that is done his mind found peace and he will pass away. you just know deep inside youself that now the time to let go has come. he is undoubtedly at peace with it.

in the end this is my personal opinion and view of knowing. my view doesn't have to be yours, everyone needs to find their way themselves.

 

[medinjured521]

at some point you will know it has to be done. its not a concious decision. it isnt for me. you just know. comparable to a person on their death bed, he stays alive just long enough for all his family to come visit one last time and once that is done his mind found peace and he will pass away. you just know deep inside youself that now the time to let go has come. he is undoubtedly at peace with it.

in the end this is my personal opinion and view of knowing. my view doesn't have to be yours, everyone needs to find their way themselves.

wish I could've made it to a natural death in old age. That right was taken from me by western medicine.

 

[peacebenow]

when there is no need for convincing.

 

[Bishop]

when there is no need for convincing.

Wonderfully said

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Telling myself my bpd will never go away.

 

[chaoschuckler]

Thinking about all the regrets I have, how much potential I wasted, and accepting that my life probably isn't going to improve and that my mind is a mess.

 

[Yurak Hunt]

I could easily stay on the tracks and have been thinking this is the way for a while now. But the trains here have something to prevent you from going under it so the success rate isn't guaranteed. Now I am thinking partial hanging is the way.

 

[fadedghost]

Most people have survival instinct that makes it hard to commit suicide. For many people, it seems or is impossible to do. I'm sorry you don't feel good and are depressed.

 

[Roadrunner]

when there is no need for convincing.

I 62, been suffering from various degrees of depression and anxiety through most of it. I've made some very poor decisions both financially and mentally along the way. I have the complete SN protocol (SN, AE, meto etc), yet Im still here. I'm blame that on a lack of testicular fortitude, and the love of my dog. Bottom line is, "I guess I'm not convinced I'm ready". I suspect when the time is rite, I'll just know and do it.

 

[Bishop]

Most people have survival instinct that makes it hard to commit suicide. For many people, it seems or is impossible to do. I'm sorry you don't feel good and are depressed.

Wish there were a way to suppress it.

 

[dearlydeparted44]

It's more decision, and then impulse. You're never going to feel "ready." Ready is a decision, not a feeling.