Discussion What is it that keeps you going?

[LongSeason]

I feel like I still have a lot of stuff to do and also my parents would be devasted but I don't think I'm gonna make it to my 20s.
Nearly every single day when I wake up my first thought is CTB.
I'm kind of losing hope, I know I'm young but I think there's no way of salvaging this life.

 

[TAW122]

Currently, it is the relief that I have my method (firearm) and I can check out at any time if I so choose to. I also have a really shitty life in terms of functioning and what not. I'm just passively living through life atm. I don't have any super great expectations for anything anymore; just living until life becomes unbearable and when something pushes me over the edge to ctb.

 

[LongSeason]

Currently, it is the relief that I have my method (firearm) and I can check out at any time if I so choose to. I also have a really shitty life in terms of functioning and what not. I'm just passively living through life atm. I don't have any super great expectations for anything anymore; just living until life becomes unbearable and when something pushes me over the edge to ctb.

Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel.
Now I'm just waiting for something to push me to do it, I wish I had a firearm but where I live it's not easy to get one so I'm stuck with an old piece of rope.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Fear of hurting my family, fear of screwing up my attempt and being permanently disabled, fear of a not very kind-to-me spirit world. Sometimes I feel stupid for feeling all this, but then if ctb were easy for me I'd hardly be living up to my username and that would, you know, compromise my integrity.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

What keeps me going is the fact that I have a method now. I keep reminding myself that I won't be here next Christmas in 2019 and I feel happy. There's no salvation for me in this life. I hope there's a nice afterlife to look forward to.

 

[Vegrau]

Well just little old me having fun by myself. Doing whatever I want. Eat the stuff I am craving for. Until I am satisfied. No reason for me to hold back anymore.

 

[Jen Erik]

At the moment, I'm blaming it on the holidays and how I would hate to tarnish anyone's holiday now or interfere with their enjoyment in the future because of the memory.

On the other hand, I also feel narcissistic in this belief – like who am I to think I have any influence over others like that or that I am important enough to have any impact.

 

[Ella Disenchanted]

I really wish I knew. If I could I would turn it off. It doesn't seem like I have any reason to go on yet here I am. Why am here? Why the f am I still here?

 

[Miss clefable]

The fear of jumping of a building I also have not hit my lowest point yet but if I had SN I would probably not be writing this now

 

[bag.of.cats]

False hopes.

 

[TiredHorse]

I keep having events pop up ahead of me, one or two days out. Have to wait until Tuesday because of this; must wait until Friday because of that; no, wait, Sunday there's this other thing. A chain of ridiculous --but meaningful, to me-- benchmarks that keep stretching out ahead of me, preventing me from setting a date and sticking to it. Yes, of course I'm anxious about dying; no, dying isn't what I want, but I know it's unequivocally my best option --but I know what I need to do, so these emotional breadcrumbs are tedious as hell!

It's like some cussed will-o'-the-wisp leading me on, but instead of leading me to my doom, it's trying to lead me safely into the future. It's a damned nuisance.

 

[TAW122]

I keep having events pop up ahead of me, one or two days out. Have to wait until Tuesday because of this; must wait until Friday because of that; no, wait, Sunday there's this other thing. A chain of ridiculous --but meaningful, to me-- benchmarks that keep stretching out ahead of me, preventing me from setting a date and sticking to it. Yes, of course I'm anxious about dying; no, dying isn't what I want, but I know it's unequivocally my best option --but I know what I need to do, so these emotional breadcrumbs are tedious as hell!

It's like some cussed will-o'-the-wisp leading me on, but instead of leading me to my doom, it's trying to lead me safely into the future. It's a damned nuisance.

I sort of have that, but most importantly, I have my method now which is also a big incentive to keep going and trying since I can check out in almost any given instance (load gun, aim at brainstem, pull trigger, and it's eternal oblivion). Of course also, it's not so easy since we have emotions and the damned survival instinct. I would say that having relief is always better than stewing in torment, like I was for years and years.

 

[lemmeeleev]

Survival instinct, but that can only keep me here for so long. I'm just passing the days by, trying to wait until January so I can ctb cause I'll be alone for long enough, I live with other people.

 

[Querry1]

I've got a lot of hobbies, made a lot of friends, enjoying sports and going to concerts, I know it is temporary and I try to enjoy it as much as I can while it lasts

 

[gingerplum]

My kids, especially my daughter.

 

[Dwellinglifeless]

Just the hesitation of the finality of it all. Especially seeing a couple of my friends go in the last couple of years. But at the same time, life does not seem to be an option either.

 

[RedBuns]

My two boys, aged 6 and 2. Thinking of how they would feel and what they would think if I was no longer around absolutely breaks my heart.

 

[wanttodie]

that method wont work

 

[NotWorthLiving]

Nothing apart from the fact that I need to finish my note and say goodbye to a few people

 

[LongSeason]

Nothing apart from the fact that I need to finish my note and say goodbye to a few people

I hope you're fine with whatever decision you take.
Godspeed.

 

[Amira]

Fear of faliure in killing myself would be the most important reason keeping me alive really.

 

[Fgogrl]

I'm losing reasons to think of. I don't have any friends or a boyfriend. I don't have much of a relationship with my mom or younger sister either. Im 35 and have tried 3x since I was 20. I don't have anyone really to talk to. Kind of why I joined here. Thanks for listening.

 

[Gainax]

Fear of uncertainty, will i succeed or not, if succed will i reborn in another body or just stop existing for all eternity.

 

[ancryxia]

Fear of hurting my family. They are good to me. I can't get over that. I live at home with them too so that's what adds to that. Once I move out I might, but I don't even know if the day will come that I'll move out. I just want everything to be over with

 

[Thisisme373]

Fear of faliure in killing myself would be the most important reason keeping me alive really.

I can totally relate to you're comment as it's also the only reason I am still going aswell, as I fear I will fail at suicide and only make my life even more of a nightmare (living disabled or worse) it would be just my luck.

 

[goxua]

I need to experience more with my youngest - so I feel or believe she will have memories of me - especially of me at my happiest, doing the things I most enjoy.

 

[AnnihilatedAnna]

The nagging voice of my school counselor in my head who keeps going on and on about how much people love me and how i make an impression on people i would leave behind. I personally dont want to traumatize people and i dont want to make my father sad. For me its a combination of being scared i will hurt people and the fear of missing out on stuff, its really stupid but i cant help it

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

Roughly 24 hours.

 

[CozyTime]

Girlfriend is already suicidal and feels guilt extremely easily, no matter what if I decided to do it she'll feel responsible and she's the last person I want to feel bad. She deserves a lot more than life has given her I don't want to add onto the ever growing list of bad things. The pain is worth the love for now.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I'm living out of spite. Fuck my body and all it's problems. I want my old life back.