what is it that gives me hope

[want2dienow]

many who have seen me around the topic of of the term 'hope' have seen my general recited quote:
'Hope only brings disappoint'
-Amy Sorel

Think did I ever have hope? Do I have any hope? Can I have hope and want to CTB?

I'll try:

1

I did have hope, way back when, even during 2020, but this was due to my own blindness of the greater bad waiting to unfold.
I actually found the last memo I wrote regarding the entire situation i thought i lost before i left (2021)

But I do remember, just how the lasting the aftermath was. I don't even want to recite that name.

Even thought it brought alot of everlasting pain, if it hadn't had happened, I wouldn't never met (ryan) which saved me from suicide at that time and made me able to elevate FK.

2

It's complciated. Becuase my pain is everlasting it skews my perception of the term hope, leading to beliveing it is all but naught disappointment, and so the quote that resonates within me is recited at the sight of the word 'hope'.
With hope, something will destroy it, as its happened as a result of that everlasting pain and the incident back then. This has shown through FK, despite my progressions, it still happens always.
In regard to hope, FK is the only thing aside from my everlasting pain that gives me such.
But I'm not exactly in the position to make that hope mean or be anything; as so i have the only other hope left: suicide. A way out of the everlasting pain, I hope i make sense there.

3
yes, the hope to be released from the grasp of my everlasting pain

i hope i made sense this time as from my other

 

[Lullaby]

It's funny you wrote that quote because I think and say it all the time. I was being honest with my therapist a few weeks ago and told her I felt that hope was just prolonged disappointment. She told me that was the most depressing thing she's ever heard and I laughed because I really do feel like I'm the most depressed person people in my life have met.

Anyways, I feel like hope is ingrained into all of us. Even when we want to give up, it's still there trying to fight. You can absolutely still have a tiny bit of hope but want to die. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm hoping for, even when things feel totally hopeless. It's like an annoying bug that doesn't want to go away. I get what

 

[Wayfaerer]

Hope is in our DNA because we are hard-wired for survival at almost any cost. It takes a lot to overcome that instinct whether it be genuine despair and hopelessness or delusion but it's not nearly as easy as the non-suicidal assume it is. Suicide is pretty hardcore when you think about it and isn't for cowards like most people believe. I know I had gained a lot of respect for those who were able to do something that requires to muster all of one's willpower to accomplish.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I agree. I think some of the most disappointing points in my life have followed hope. For me, a lot of the time it is related to work- I've worked in a creative freelance job on and off throughout my life. It is the main thing that sustains me. I have had numerous projects that people have approached me with and sound great (and would obviously sustain me financially) and then, they all fall through. It's just the nature of it but it sucks. Now, I try not to get all that enthusiastic about stuff until I KNOW it's going to happen. Kind of a depressing way to live though.

Same sadly goes with relationships- find people often let you down, so again- find it better to just not hope for things as much as I can.