Discussion What is holding you back from CTB?

[Dejected 55]

Mostly, it is that sad part of me that doesn't want it to be over. Death is final. Once I take that step, all other options are officially off the table. As much as I've suffered, as many bad turns as I've had... a part of me knows who I could be if only I could ever have been loved. A stupid part of me still somehow thinks the woman I love could still reach out to me... and I've pushed and extended my existence as far as I can to allow for that, even though there is no logical realistic reason to ever think she will.

The truth for me is that I am one of those people who doesn't really want to die. I don't want attention or pity, but I wish so hard I could live, I mean actually live... be the man I'm meant to be with the person, the woman I'm meant to be with... and death is final, it's all over... yes the suffering will end, but all possibilities even the very slim ones for good end too. I'm trying to give time or fate or whatever as much as I can, just in case she comes knocking like a miracle in the eleventh hour. I know in my heart and my soul she will not... but I keep waiting. She is all I have to hold onto.

After that, I'm afraid of failure. If I fail I might not get another shot... if I got caught I might not be left alone to try again. I think there is a slim chance to be caught, but slim isn't none, so the fear is there.

 

[Captain Howdy]

Hey...my method of choice is Insulin OD. My attempt at partial hanging failed 4 years ago and I really hope insulin OD works. How many units did you take? Any permanent damage from that?
Why do you think it failed?

Do you have a ready supply of insulin? It's reliability is about 50/50, probably more if you are already a diabetic. There are some lesser prescribed blood sugar medications that are springing to mind. If you combined your insulin with a massive dose of one of those, I think it would really up your chances. One of your concerns is going to be a place to do it without paramedics showing up and hitting you with a large dose of dextrose to counteract.

 

[senyaa.]

;; fear, current hyperfixation and not wanting my grandma to die of a heart attack. she's unhealthily obsessed with me, i'm dead serious rn. so i'll just wait for her.

 

[Off_Switch]

Every day, less and less is holding me back. I think I've finally the entered the happiness stage that many say they observe from people right before they CTB, because they know they are about to free.

 

[abnormalshrimp]

Access to method and my family

 

[unluckysadness]

I'm still here because my plan needs to be 100% over. I'd say I've done 90%

 

[FuneralCry]

I only continue to suffer in this torturous, futile existence as I'm so cruelly denied the option to peacefully cease existing and never suffer ever again, all I wish for is painless guaranteed death with no more suffering.

I always suffer so much from existing in this horrific anti-suicide world where the suffering and torture of existing is seen as to force and prolong no matter what, all I want is to be gone, I just wish for the peace of non-existence where this existence I always saw as a mistake is finally all gone and forgotten about, I'd just never wish for the suffering of existing rather all I want is to not exist.

 

[Xeno12481632]

What is holding you back from moving forward with your suicide plan?

Survival instinct, and the fact that i dont have a reliable method
It would be even worse if i try anything and fail

 

[MyShadow]

Survival instinct, and the fact that i dont have a reliable method
It would be even worse if i try anything and fail

I completely understand and empathize

 

[theforgotten]

My kids and family. It's a double edged sword though, because I see myself as such a burden and failure. If I live, I continue to disappoint them and will inevitably raise my kids to see how worthless I am and potentially hurt their self-image because they're my kids. If I die, they can be raised hearing I was a good person without seeing what a colossal waste every breath I take is but it will put my family in further financial crisis and cause the same issues as I have while alive. There is no end to my suffering or that which I cause others either way. So right now I try to just live through the suffering, providing what help I can for my family to save up money to survive until I feel I'm no longer needed or can't bear it anymore.

I felt this so much. I can barely bare to do anything anymore and I know they're seeing how awful I'm getting to be at life for them. I'd rather them remember me when I was myself. But I know I'm going to hurt them and my s/o and make life so much more difficult for everyone. Even though I'm ruining it by being here. Lose, lose.

 

[mysideofthemountain]

I just want to make sure that if I ever do CTB I get it right and am successful. I think any failed attempts would likely just result in more harm and pain for myself and for anyone in my life (n.b. people in my life are not necessarily "my loved ones" per se)

 

[MyShadow]

Mostly, it is that sad part of me that doesn't want it to be over. Death is final. Once I take that step, all other options are officially off the table. As much as I've suffered, as many bad turns as I've had... a part of me knows who I could be if only I could ever have been loved. A stupid part of me still somehow thinks the woman I love could still reach out to me... and I've pushed and extended my existence as far as I can to allow for that, even though there is no logical realistic reason to ever think she will.

The truth for me is that I am one of those people who doesn't really want to die. I don't want attention or pity, but I wish so hard I could live, I mean actually live... be the man I'm meant to be with the person, the woman I'm meant to be with... and death is final, it's all over... yes the suffering will end, but all possibilities even the very slim ones for good end too. I'm trying to give time or fate or whatever as much as I can, just in case she comes knocking like a miracle in the eleventh hour. I know in my heart and my soul she will not... but I keep waiting. She is all I have to hold onto.

After that, I'm afraid of failure. If I fail I might not get another shot... if I got caught I might not be left alone to try again. I think there is a slim chance to be caught, but slim isn't none, so the fear is there.

I feel this on so many levels.

Part of me is done for so many reasons. Yet part of me is curious of what's around the next turn. I just had an amazing day in beautiful weather. Too many great things happened. I want more of these days.

I feel you about wanting to be with the woman you care about. I feel that too. I think about my the life I had until last year and my heart breaks just a little more.

 

[F*cked_up]

I can't guarantee a successful conclusion. What if CTB isn't successful and I end up a vegetable with 24x7 pain and no way to stop the pain.

 

[Whole-Ad]

Nothing anymore, I'm finished here. I will be getting my shit sorted then I'm off.

 

[Shimidori]

To be completely honest, just "Her". The one person that at least gives me some hope that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, even when my mind is filled with intrusive thoughts and I seek some sort of harm all the time (picking my skin, digging deep and causing myself bleeding, deliberately pushing wounds to feel the pain).

If something ever happened to her, or if we ever broke up, I know where I'm shoving a knife, and spoiler alert: it wouldn't be on her. I could never lay a finger on her.

 

[heyilikeicecream]

What is holding you back from moving forward with your suicide plan?

currently? waiting for my final packages to arrive so I can start the SN progress by this weekend. i have already written the letters, planned my funeral, and gifts for some close people.

 

[_Maya]

Indecisive, and my friends.
I'm too indecisive to ever commit to a date, and right now i have 2 friends i really care for and would rather not hurt by my passing.

 

[PixelAngel]

What's holding me back isn't different from what others have said. There are people I care about who I'm not trying to hurt unnecessarily. And, I'm a little torn about the methods available to me. Inpatient facilities are a nightmare I never want to go back to, and I want to be absolutely certain my next attempt works. I've failed before, I've gotta do it right this time, and I've been avoidant of it until I feel absolutely certain I won't fail again.

 

[itsgone2]

I honestly don't know. Si is only answer. I desperately wanted to this past weekend. Was sure I would. Didn't. Had to take Monday off work bcs I just couldn't. I did work Tuesday but I haven't slept at all. Currently 5 am. Just been laying here the whole time in a ton of mental and physical pain from the anxiety. I have the means. Every hour is an hour I could fsh. An hour is plenty of time to not be found. Yet I'm here and typing away of all things. I'm scared to like anyone but that must be the si. I hate it. Just let me go. I can't believe people get past this

 

[Grog]

Survival instinct.