Venting What if I miss out on something good?

[Tionally]

I have mostly pessimistic thoughts about the future. I hate change and I don't want the future to come. I don't want to lose/gain friends, I would prefer everything staying the same. At the same time I'm often pretty miserable but there are also times when I'm okay.
But the thing I have been wondering about recently is: What if the future actually has something good in it? What if my life gets better? What if my CTB stops me from experiencing something good? What if I would be truly happy?
But I also don't want to die when my life is even more pathetic. I want to die when I still mean something. I'm afraid that if I don't CTB now then I'll regret it in the future.

 

[thebookofdisquiet]

This is life's dilemma, a gamble. You can leave the game table or wait and see if luck is on your side. I'm so sorry, for you and all of us playing, there's nothing heavier than the weight of this choice.

 

[Misfit72]

It's a risk you have to take - I'm middle aged now so there's much less left for me to look forward to in life, personally or professionally. However, you won't be the one left wondering. As one anonymous Samaritans volunteer said to me over the phone: 'Why should it matter to you? You'll be dead!'

 

[juliano2001]

I often feel the same way, the want/need for being unalived is so strong and yet so is the hope that one day things will get better. The way I get through it is by trying to remember that having this thought of "One day, good things may happen or be better than they are now" is a sign that you have a strong will to live and are resilient. Sometimes, even if we don't want to be resilient or perseverant, we just are, and in situations where CTB would be ideal well... It makes it very difficult to take that step.

On the other hand, there's the argument that good things won't happen or things won't get better since the relative part of you won't be around anymore. For example, since you can't experience happiness or good times when unalive, then these things won't happen regardless since you need to be around for it to happen. You can't win the lottery after you CTB basically. But I think where this theory ends is when you start to think about what would actually make you happy or be good if it happened and you experienced it? And often times the things that would make us happy or feel great are things that don't always necessarily happen directly to us, but to those around us that we are attached to and by affiliation, you share their joy or their happiness. Such as your family gets a new puppy, your CTB may not stop this from happening and it may still happen without you, meaning you won't be able to experience the joy of raising the dog and them become apart of your family.

And then finally, there's always the possibility things might get worse. Trust me when I say, you might think things could not be worse than they are, but you'd be surprised how far you can fall. The pit actually is endless and it can get increasingly worse. I'm not sure where the point of the worst is as it is so far down that I am sure that anyone who really reached the bottom of that hole is no longer with us. But the important thing to take away from this negative statement is that the further down the hole you are when you climb out of it, the stronger you are. The fact you have hope/thoughts about a better future already shows you have strength. So just try to remember, the further you fall, the stronger you will be. You can be unbreakable!

 

[LittleJem]

no rush to ctb if you have hope

 

[jussaloser]

the only thing you should worry about is making connections with people cause your death will surely affect them in some way.

 

[ChesterCopperpot]

I have mostly pessimistic thoughts about the future. I hate change and I don't want the future to come. I don't want to lose/gain friends, I would prefer everything staying the same. At the same time I'm often pretty miserable but there are also times when I'm okay.
But the thing I have been wondering about recently is: What if the future actually has something good in it? What if my life gets better? What if my CTB stops me from experiencing something good? What if I would be truly happy?
But I also don't want to die when my life is even more pathetic. I want to die when I still mean something. I'm afraid that if I don't CTB now then I'll regret it in the future.

if i were to start playing music again, i would change my stage name from chester copperpot to jomo. which stands for the joy of missing out. maybe it's the anhedonia, i'm not sure, but i don't have fomo at all.

what i will say is it sounds like you have a lot of reasons not to CTB just yet. a stringent fear of change or even hatred of change is something i had to get used to as a high functioning autistic person. it's really tough to get over it. i will say that life is happy passing you by so if you do want improvement, you will have to work towards it.

as for not wanting to die when your life is pathetic, i don't think you're pathetic. i do agree though with that sentiment. i have felt the best when i was on an emotional high or a milestone moment in my life. trying to CTB then for me made the most sense. so i could leave feeling incredible not have to feel bad again.

idk if any of this helped. solidarity.

 

[Sweet Tart]

If it feels like there are worthwhile experiences left to try for, I think it's worth seeing how that plays out. You deserve all the chances to find pleasure and meaning in life. But your pain is your pain- only you can know if/when your limit is reached.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Ultimately- no one knows. It's mostly about effort (in my experience) and partly about chance. There may well be good possibilities in your future. If life isn't actually terrible at the moment- might be worth holding on a bit longer. CTB can always be an option later.

I would however say- don't expect good stuff to just happen. In my experience- you need to work (damn hard) for most things in this life. If you get to the point where either you've achieved what you wanted and it isn't making you happy. Or- you start to think that NOTHING will make you happy- then, perhaps then think about CTB again. Up to you though- of course but hope can really help in hanging on. It's when that goes that CTB REALLY starts to appeal.

 

[unsaiddes]

I understand completely, if I end up doing what I plan on doing I won't be around long enough to become an aunt. And what if that would make things worth it?

 

[hellispink]

Nothing is good enough to handle this misery for the sake of it. Life is a rollercoaster of course there are "moments that are not that bad" and moments of intense suffering. But one needs to think wheter is worth it to stay to fight against the inevitable. For my own life nothing is worth the pain here

 

[shantyizlit]

But I will be missing out on all this imminent misery as well.. doesn't sound so bad.

 

[Death is my goal]

then don't ctb? you clearly not ready to ctb