Venting What I would give to re-do my first attempt

[Bedrock48]

I so often wish I could go back to the first time I attempted to try again and get it right. A few more seconds of discomfort, a few more seconds of uncertainty and I would've ctb successfully.

I'm thankful for all the positive things I've experienced since that incident. Yet even with the life I've got now I still wish it would come to an end.

The memory of the short text conversation with my friends for what I hoped was the final time is still so vivid. One said "The fact you're telling us means you don't want to do this". The thought was there but I did. With every fibre in my being I DID.

Hopefully soon I'll either make another breakthrough in my recovery or finally gather the courage and mental strength to successfully ctb. Ctb still seems like the most probable ending of my life.

Such a simple thing almost ended my journey.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think it is quite common to regret failing an attempt. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Bedrock48]

I think it is quite common to regret failing an attempt. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

Yeah, I guess it might be. Especially for a lot of people on here, I presume. Thank you <3

 

[clown_17]

I get the feeling of wishing it worked. It sucks knowing you could've saved yourself from a lot of bad things. The one that almost worked for me was with a belt too. If I had gotten a thicker belt it would've been over

 

[Bedrock48]

I get the feeling of wishing it worked. It sucks knowing you could've saved yourself from a lot of bad things. The one that almost worked for me was with a belt too. If I had gotten a thicker belt it would've been over

That's exactly how I feel, while I've experienced a lot of good things I'm glad to have been here for the bad outweighs it tenfold. I'm sorry you relate so much to my story. Whatever happens all the best.

Edit (unrelated to reply):

Just had the mattress I used as a platform for this attempt delivered from the family home. It's strangely triggering with how clearly I remember this attempt. Not gonna part with it though, I'd rather go through a few triggering hours/days than sleep on the one that came with my flat which I could basically feel the bedframe through. Life is weird sometimes.