What have you learned from failed attempts?

[Oblivion Access]

Learned to isolate or at least conceal intent from anyone not 100% certain to respect my decision, had cops called, all my drugs taken (my weed) and only narrowly avoided mental hospital. Ruined all my relationships too. Never again lol.

Any takeaways you wanna share?

 

[Wrennie]

To never trust medical or mental health "professionals" EVER AGAIN, because they are abject sociopathic scum of the earth.

 

[lastlife_]

Learned to isolate or at least conceal intent from anyone not 100% certain to respect my decision, had cops called, all my drugs taken (my weed) and only narrowly avoided mental hospital. Ruined all my relationships too. Never again lol.

Any takeaways you wanna share?

The only thing I really learned from my last attempt was to not back out to think about it. For example, compared to others attempts, in my last attempt I could feel all the effects of onset unconsciousness for the first time without any pain or struggle and I knew that once I fell unconscious that would be it, and because that was the closest I had gotten I wanted to take a step back to evaluate what I was feeling and absorb the astonishment of "wow I can actually do this and it'll work". At that point survival instinct kicked in with whirring thoughts of "wow is this really it? Just like that? All over?" and I started to have an anxiety attack. Next time I need to be persistent and determine to cross the line I hadn't crossed before and allow it to happen, then I'll never have to worry or stress about life ever again

 

[Dödsorsaken]

I learned that I legally can't kill myself whit drugs or a knife because of laws and cops really like get me for that.. after the suicide attempt whit the knife/jumping of a bridge I had surgery and the first thing that happened after I woke up still in a drugged state was that 2 cops integrated my at the hospital because of the knife. Told them I would kill myself again in 2 weeks just fuck whit them.. jumping of a bridge is totally legal but whit a knife nha that you will get punished for. Fuck them. If they get me again I will tell them I will jump in from if a train and wish them good luck picking up my organs.. just to f whit them abit.

 

[markimobzzdeasui]

Shit do get real and your idea that it cannot be worse than what it currently is definitely going to be flipped upside down. Also while you may never be able to recover from your attempt truly on emotional level, others around you and the world in general wouldn't care dumping their garbage on you. Isolation and some intense transformation does normally follow. You also live in some dark dungeon of a reality that others have no idea about.
God I wish I knew about this community back then.

 

[Sanva]

- don't try OD by painkillers. it's painful (lol) and doesn't work.
- mental health professionals don't really give a shit, especially not about autistic people.
- mom was sad :(

 

[Ankou]

If next time fails and I'm found OD'd I'm saying it was an accident. If I'm found with cuts or wounds I'm saying I got attacked

Doctors still think it's a suicide attempt? Nah, prove it

 

[whywere]

Great question! for me, my 2 attempts have taught me: 1) make sure the darn cops are NOT called on me, they have zero training for a crisis's situation and are NOT nice 2) the hospital aspect is demeaning, cold and uncaring people who love barking and talking down to patients 3) after getting out of the hospital and having to put up with all the fed and state mandated crap it is all about money. 4) I am branded by the federal government as a person who cannot be trusted with so much of my life now.

Walter

 

[myopybyproxy]

there are two rules. from the time you start planning til the time you go through with it - DO NOT, i repeat, DO NOT let anyone else know.

they WILL interfere and ruin your plan and fuck up your future. think you're at rock bottom and it can't get any worse? think again - how about spending the next three months with a stranger or multiple watching you 24/7 so you can't even have a wank or take a shit in peace, horrid processed rubbish frozen or microwaved 'food', not being allowed outside or even to open a window - the panes are of opaque bulletproof plastic, anyhow - nor listen to music or access the internet. not allowed to go anywhere by yourself, goodbye being able to do anything without answering to anyone else about it, oh and have fun with half your wardrobe gone because they think you're dumb enough to try to strangle yourself with drawstrings or cut yourself with a zipper. no pencil to journal with because you might stab yourself with it. nothing to do except watch the same 3 TV channels all day. if you weren't suicidal before, you will sure as all hell become so during your stay. and you gotta take whatever chemicals they dump on you - any valid concerns or debate is brushed away as your 'illness talking'.

the horror story doesn't end there - when they finally release you from glorified prison, you now have a blot on your record that follows you everywhere for the rest of your life. goodbye, ability to get many stable jobs with pensions, own self defence weapons, and good luck convincing anyone who knew you from before that you're fine now and any potential future employers about the large gap on your resume. and if you're lucky enough to live in the glorious estados unidos, you get to worry about the ridiculously large bill from the ambulance ride you never wanted but that they called on you anyway and now you have to pay for it plus the privilege of your prison stay which insurance didn't cover. why the fuck you're paying for insurance, you don't know, and now with all the career difficulty you'll have a fabulous time trying to rustle up the funds for everything. that is, unless you actually do it right this time. but you can't, because everyone in your life is on high alert and treating you like an infant.

remove any potential obstacles to this. if you think you will panic or get sentimental at the last moment and call someone, or are tempted to text your friends or family goodbye, shut off your phone, factory reset it, let the battery die, and leave it in another room or in your living space if your method involves travel.

and as a second rule - just as important - thoroughly research your method and not rely on 'hope this works'. because it won't, and unless you're in a remote area or have no one in your life who will get suspicious or check up on you - see rule 1, because that most likely WILL happen and you will deeply regret it. okay maybe i'm just projecting at this point.

 

[DieAnotherDay]

The people who say suicide is the easy way out are talking utter bollocks!!!

 

[forgetme]

Not to trust the people who claim to care about me. Putting someone in a psych ward after an attempt is the worst thing to do to certain peoples mindsets. Instead of feeling cared about it just makes you feel like a discarded piece of trash.

That every attempt is a step closer to another mis-diagnosis. Instead of being actually diagnosed with depression you're instead written off as attention seeking or a drug seeker as a warning label.

Family doesn't care and didn't show up.

 

[aristotle is ok]

The only thing I really learned from my last attempt was to not back out to think about it. For example, compared to others attempts, in my last attempt I could feel all the effects of onset unconsciousness for the first time without any pain or struggle and I knew that once I fell unconscious that would be it, and because that was the closest I had gotten I wanted to take a step back to evaluate what I was feeling and absorb the astonishment of "wow I can actually do this and it'll work". At that point survival instinct kicked in with whirring thoughts of "wow is this really it? Just like that? All over?" and I started to have an anxiety attack. Next time I need to be persistent and determine to cross the line I hadn't crossed before and allow it to happen, then I'll never have to worry or stress about life ever again

May I ask which method you were using? It sounds like a relatively pain free and somewhat pleasant experience until the SI kicked in & the anxiety shouldn't have happened if you could overcome the SI? maybe that would be the method I should use. Thanks, and glad you're still here. I hope you find peace & perhaps you might just persevere. I'm sure winning a lottery would change your perspective, but even something less sensational could also turn you around. You never know. You might fall in love, or find some mission other than the one you're on. I'm 69 and almost cannot walk, or pick up a half gallon of milk I'm so banged up. but you may still be in relatively good health, just sayin.

 

[Foresight]

To never trust medical or mental health "professionals" EVER AGAIN, because they are abject sociopathic scum of the earth.

Same. The EMTs laughed at me for attempting on my birthday. I think they thought I was passed out.

All I've learned is ODing is not easy.

 

[rudebeat]

the horror story doesn't end there - when they finally release you from glorified prison, you now have a blot on your record that follows you everywhere for the rest of your life. goodbye, ability to get many stable jobs with pensions, own self defence weapons, and good luck convincing anyone who knew you from before that you're fine now and any potential future employers about the large gap on your resume.

Do you have any idea if peoples' job prospects are still affected if the hospitalizations are listed as voluntary (ignoring the gap on the resume)? I know at least in my state your right to own a fire arm is only affected if you were involuntarily hospitalized.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I only know that if one attempts, failure is not an option.

 

[Of The Universe]

They took away your drugs? That's pretty low! You know they all got high later!

 

[Looooser]

I've learned that drinking anti freeze hurts like hell!

Great question! for me, my 2 attempts have taught me: 1) make sure the darn cops are NOT called on me, they have zero training for a crisis's situation and are NOT nice 2) the hospital aspect is demeaning, cold and uncaring people who love barking and talking down to patients 3) after getting out of the hospital and having to put up with all the fed and state mandated crap it is all about money. 4) I am branded by the federal government as a person who cannot be trusted with so much of my life now.

Walter

I've never heard of the federal govt getting involved. Damn!

 

[myopybyproxy]

Do you have any idea if peoples' job prospects are still affected if the hospitalizations are listed as voluntary (ignoring the gap on the resume)? I know at least in my state your right to own a fire arm is only affected if you were involuntarily hospitalized.

There are laws about discrimination against disability - and I think mental illnesses are considered such. So they can't deny you outright on that basis alone. But they may be more likely to associate a hospital stay with instability, lower work quality, potential issues in the future, difficulty with HR, etc - subconsciously any decent interviewer will choose the applicant who seems to be more conscientious and likely to get the job done rather than one who has a history of mental breakdowns and had to leave their job unexpectedly for a (voluntary or not) hospital stay.

Whether these laws do much good, I can't say. It's like racism - and yet with all the legislation, people still are marginalised, or feel that way, so what's a society to do? I've no idea.

I have no voluntary admissions, so I can't speak for that, but I did manage to get a job in fast food / retail working minimum wage. Granted, I'm a student, so it's not as bad for someone to have a meagre resume at this stage, and the place that hired me was rather desperate. But most places are nowadays so if you can get to the interview stage - and I find the in-person ones to be less awful than the phone games and prerecorded response bullshit they have you do through Indeed - you're likely a shoo-in for the position.

And as you said, the law varies by state, so I'm sure the situation is different for you. If I had the money (and the wherewithal to even bother changing my life for the better) I might consider moving to Oregon or Colorado.

 

[rudebeat]

There are laws about discrimination against disability - and I think mental illnesses are considered such. So they can't deny you outright on that basis alone. But they may be more likely to associate a hospital stay with instability, lower work quality, potential issues in the future, difficulty with HR, etc - subconsciously any decent interviewer will choose the applicant who seems to be more conscientious and likely to get the job done rather than one who has a history of mental breakdowns and had to leave their job unexpectedly for a (voluntary or not) hospital stay.

Whether these laws do much good, I can't say. It's like racism - and yet with all the legislation, people still are marginalised, or feel that way, so what's a society to do? I've no idea.

I have no voluntary admissions, so I can't speak for that, but I did manage to get a job in fast food / retail working minimum wage. Granted, I'm a student, so it's not as bad for someone to have a meagre resume at this stage, and the place that hired me was rather desperate. But most places are nowadays so if you can get to the interview stage - and I find the in-person ones to be less awful than the phone games and prerecorded response bullshit they have you do through Indeed - you're likely a shoo-in for the position.

And as you said, the law varies by state, so I'm sure the situation is different for you. If I had the money (and the wherewithal to even bother changing my life for the better) I might consider moving to Oregon or Colorado.

Welp this is all very discouraging. I'll just hope that since all my hospitalizations lasted just a little over 1 week that they don't take them as seriously. Thanks for the detailed post.

 

[Looooser]

There are laws about discrimination against disability - and I think mental illnesses are considered such. So they can't deny you outright on that basis alone. But they may be more likely to associate a hospital stay with instability, lower work quality, potential issues in the future, difficulty with HR, etc - subconsciously any decent interviewer will choose the applicant who seems to be more conscientious and likely to get the job done rather than one who has a history of mental breakdowns and had to leave their job unexpectedly for a (voluntary or not) hospital stay.

Whether these laws do much good, I can't say. It's like racism - and yet with all the legislation, people still are marginalised, or feel that way, so what's a society to do? I've no idea.

I have no voluntary admissions, so I can't speak for that, but I did manage to get a job in fast food / retail working minimum wage. Granted, I'm a student, so it's not as bad for someone to have a meagre resume at this stage, and the place that hired me was rather desperate. But most places are nowadays so if you can get to the interview stage - and I find the in-person ones to be less awful than the phone games and prerecorded response bullshit they have you do through Indeed - you're likely a shoo-in for the position.

And as you said, the law varies by state, so I'm sure the situation is different for you. If I had the money (and the wherewithal to even bother changing my life for the better) I might consider moving to Oregon or Colorado.

Oregon has the worst mental health help in the US. I live in Oregon and the only way too get admitted into a hospital is by a judge. I've gone to the ER countless times, some volunteered and some by police, every time they just give me an Ativan and tell me to go home. So then I'm stuck at the hospital. I was put on a 5 day hold once because I told them I was homicidal....I was told to go home after one night. The last time I tried getting help at the health dept I waited 2 months to talk to get a counselor... It was televisit only and after the first consultation the guy cancelled on me twice. Oregon sucks! I used to live in Alaska and there I was able to check myself in to the hospital any time I was feeling suicidal where they kept me until I could get my meds adjusted. Alaska was actually pretty great to get help.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Oregon has the worst mental health help in the US. I live in Oregon and the only way too get admitted into a hospital is by a judge. I've gone to the ER countless times, some volunteered and some by police, every time they just give me an Ativan and tell me to go home. So then I'm stuck at the hospital. I was put on a 5 day hold once because I told them I was homicidal....I was told to go home after one night. The last time I tried getting help at the health dept I waited 2 months to talk to get a counselor... It was televisit only and after the first consultation the guy cancelled on me twice. Oregon sucks! I used to live in Alaska and there I was able to check myself in to the hospital any time I was feeling suicidal where they kept me until I could get my meds adjusted. Alaska was actually pretty great to get help.

Not saying they had good mental health help. I don't think any place in the modern world truly has good mental health help. I think I would like the atmosphere there relative to where I am now and they have some policies with which I agree - but no place is perfect. Some are simply less horrid than others. Alaska sounds nice too what with all the nature and fairly low population density. But it's cold and they have a weird day-night cycle (I don't know what the word is, but they have six months of total nighttime or total daylight) that I don't think would benefit my depression.

 

[Cats26]

there are two rules. from the time you start planning til the time you go through with it - DO NOT, i repeat, DO NOT let anyone else know.

they WILL interfere and ruin your plan and fuck up your future. think you're at rock bottom and it can't get any worse? think again - how about spending the next three months with a stranger or multiple watching you 24/7 so you can't even have a wank or take a shit in peace, horrid processed rubbish frozen or microwaved 'food', not being allowed outside or even to open a window - the panes are of opaque bulletproof plastic, anyhow - nor listen to music or access the internet. not allowed to go anywhere by yourself, goodbye being able to do anything without answering to anyone else about it, oh and have fun with half your wardrobe gone because they think you're dumb enough to try to strangle yourself with drawstrings or cut yourself with a zipper. no pencil to journal with because you might stab yourself with it. nothing to do except watch the same 3 TV channels all day. if you weren't suicidal before, you will sure as all hell become so during your stay. and you gotta take whatever chemicals they dump on you - any valid concerns or debate is brushed away as your 'illness talking'.

the horror story doesn't end there - when they finally release you from glorified prison, you now have a blot on your record that follows you everywhere for the rest of your life. goodbye, ability to get many stable jobs with pensions, own self defence weapons, and good luck convincing anyone who knew you from before that you're fine now and any potential future employers about the large gap on your resume. and if you're lucky enough to live in the glorious estados unidos, you get to worry about the ridiculously large bill from the ambulance ride you never wanted but that they called on you anyway and now you have to pay for it plus the privilege of your prison stay which insurance didn't cover. why the fuck you're paying for insurance, you don't know, and now with all the career difficulty you'll have a fabulous time trying to rustle up the funds for everything. that is, unless you actually do it right this time. but you can't, because everyone in your life is on high alert and treating you like an infant.

remove any potential obstacles to this. if you think you will panic or get sentimental at the last moment and call someone, or are tempted to text your friends or family goodbye, shut off your phone, factory reset it, let the battery die, and leave it in another room or in your living space if your method involves travel.

and as a second rule - just as important - thoroughly research your method and not rely on 'hope this works'. because it won't, and unless you're in a remote area or have no one in your life who will get suspicious or check up on you - see rule 1, because that most likely WILL happen and you will deeply regret it. okay maybe i'm just projecting at this point.

In 2020 I was hospitalized after attempting suicide. I was only in the psych hospital for 5 days and it was actually a great experience. They listened to me and made me feel cared for. I was not watched 24/7, in fact I would take unsupervised hour long showers every day. We went outside, we were given pens to journal with, the food was pretty decent, and we had access to the remote to put on whatever TV channel we wanted. I was allowed to freely walk around the hospital and go in and out of my room alone as long as it wasn't meal or group therapy time, which I actually really enjoyed.
I'm not in any way trying to dismiss your experience or say hospitals like that don't exist, I just assumed after my stay that places like you're describing must not really exist anymore. What you described is what I expected, and I was surprised when it wasn't like that at all. The hospital I was sent to isn't even considered to be an exceptionally great one in my area either. I'm sorry you had that experience.

 

[Circles]

That I don't try unless I'm 95%+ sure that I'm ready and sure that no one will find me in time.

 

[Looooser]

Not saying they had good mental health help. I don't think any place in the modern world truly has good mental health help. I think I would like the atmosphere there relative to where I am now and they have some policies with which I agree - but no place is perfect. Some are simply less horrid than others. Alaska sounds nice too what with all the nature and fairly low population density. But it's cold and they have a weird day-night cycle (I don't know what the word is, but they have six months of total nighttime or total daylight) that I don't think would benefit my depression

Not saying they had good mental health help. I don't think any place in the modern world truly has good mental health help. I think I would like the atmosphere there relative to where I am now and they have some policies with which I agree - but no place is perfect. Some are simply less horrid than others. Alaska sounds nice too what with all the nature and fairly low population density. But it's cold and they have a weird day-night cycle (I don't know what the word is, but they have six months of total nighttime or total daylight) that I don't think would benefit my depression.

True. The day, night thing isn't that bad and you get used to it. The total darkness and total light is only way up in places light Barrow. I lived in Fairbanks for 18 years and it on the longest day of the year it was kind of cool to not see the sun set. The winters are a little tougher though. The scenery and nature were pretty amazing! I actually kind of miss it.

 

[Al Cappella]

To really do research. I was one for pills, but never had enough on hand to properly go. Then it's a mess, waking up in emerg, confused, disoriented—and angry I screwed it up. It's just not worth it. Now I'm going to make darn sure I know what I'm doing, as much as I can, so I don't have to face that ever again.

 

[myopybyproxy]

In 2020 I was hospitalized after attempting suicide. I was only in the psych hospital for 5 days and it was actually a great experience. They listened to me and made me feel cared for. I was not watched 24/7, in fact I would take unsupervised hour long showers every day. We went outside, we were given pens to journal with, the food was pretty decent, and we had access to the remote to put on whatever TV channel we wanted. I was allowed to freely walk around the hospital and go in and out of my room alone as long as it wasn't meal or group therapy time, which I actually really enjoyed.
I'm not in any way trying to dismiss your experience or say hospitals like that don't exist, I just assumed after my stay that places like you're describing must not really exist anymore. What you described is what I expected, and I was surprised when it wasn't like that at all. The hospital I was sent to isn't even considered to be an exceptionally great one in my area either. I'm sorry you had that experience.

What was your method? What country or province was this? Sounds like a fairytale lmao. You are a unicorn to have had a better-than-neutral experience in one of those glorified prisons.

 

[*Justanotherone*]

I have a feeling like some part of you "died" anyway. So...Think twice. Ofcourse there people who enjoy life after failed attempt, no doubts about it but... it's this kind of experience I wish I never have.

 

[completely-done]

Never reveal feelings to friends again, it costed me a day of work. I could have spent that day earning money for N

 

[Cats26]

What was your method? What country or province was this? Sounds like a fairytale lmao. You are a unicorn to have had a better-than-neutral experience in one of those glorified prisons.

My method was a combination of various pills and drugs. I was kind of stupid and did not really do much research beforehand because it was on impulse, so I don't think I would have died anyway even if someone had not called the police. I live in Florida in the US. The area of Florida I am from is kind of known for having better healthcare than some other areas (within Florida anyway, idk about the rest of the US), but I wasn't aware there was that much of a difference. I don't really believe I am an exception, because I have met and spoken to multiple other people with similar experiences to mine. It definitely wasn't ideal, and yeah I wasn't allowed to have a phone or even shoelaces lol, but it wasn't as terrible as I expected it to be. I think a large part of that may be because I just accepted I was there and I was polite and compliant with everything they wanted me to do, and so they gave me more freedom. I was the only patient who went to group therapy every single time, and with enthusiasm, and they really liked that lol.

 

[waitingforrest]

I learned that even looking or sounding depressed makes professionals worried about you and send you off to the er out of concern, whether suicidal or not. And you can't say no because you are clearly irrational and can't make decisions.

Yeah, I don't have the best experiences with the system.

And with the amount of times I have been to the er, all the nurses assume it's for ctb attempts when really it's for other things. I was afraid to go to the hospital for covid because I know they will try to admit me. Confirmation bias at it's finest.

The Rosenhan experiment shows my case exactly. Participants faked having mental illnesses and got hospitalized as a result and were not allowed to leave until they complyed taking meds. (Really condensed explaination)

Yes, I do have mental illnesses, but my point is that once they deem you as insane, say goodbye to your rights.

Link to experiment for those interested.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosenhan_experiment