What have you learned from failed attempts?

[myopybyproxy]

My method was a combination of various pills and drugs. I was kind of stupid and did not really do much research beforehand because it was on impulse, so I don't think I would have died anyway even if someone had not called the police. I live in Florida in the US. The area of Florida I am from is kind of known for having better healthcare than some other areas (within Florida anyway, idk about the rest of the US), but I wasn't aware there was that much of a difference. I don't really believe I am an exception, because I have met and spoken to multiple other people with similar experiences to mine. It definitely wasn't ideal, and yeah I wasn't allowed to have a phone or even shoelaces lol, but it wasn't as terrible as I expected it to be. I think a large part of that may be because I just accepted I was there and I was polite and compliant with everything they wanted me to do, and so they gave me more freedom. I was the only patient who went to group therapy every single time, and with enthusiasm, and they really liked that lol.

Interesting. At the institutions where I was incarcerated, without fail, ever single patient expressed dissatisfaction with the 'care' they were receiving. Alongside my own, I witnessed many people's conditions worsening as a result - having breakdowns, self harming, purging, restricting, going mute, not getting out of bed the entire day, lashing out at anyone and everyone due to being literally and figuratively boxed into a corner, rocking back and forth and banging their head against the wall because staff wouldn't allow them to call their parents. These were all people who were mostly lucid and you would not consider them 'crazy' if you got a glimpse of their average day.

Some had family members who were kind and aware enough to intervene on their behalf and they were discharged before their stay was complete - if they were able to intuit the situation, or the prisoner managed to communicate to their family in coded language so that the staff wouldn't prematurely terminate their phone call for being manipulative and refusing to engage in treatment. I shit you not.

I was polite at first too. I went to all the groups and participated, I took the meds they required me to take and didn't try to spit them out, I cleared my plate no matter how plastic and chemicalfull it was. I cooperated and complied and went along with everything until I realised that no matter what I did I would be treated like an infant and a prisoner. I tried talking logically and attempting to take an active stance in my treatment but it was like talking to a wall. At least a wall wouldn't spit back everything in your face and twist your own words against you. I tried pleading, bargaining, any tactic you could think of - and all was met with the same impassive condescending attitude.

They never increased freedoms for acting sane or polite. They only ever reduced them - punishing us for the exact symptoms they triggered, creating a horrific positive feedback loop from which only the blessing (I never thought I would say those words) of insurance running out could spare you. You could be discharged AMA but not if they threatened to press charges against your family for entirely false claims of child abuse. Thus my family's hands were tied the evil bastards that run those profit mills.

Those were among the worst three months of my life and I would sooner die than go back. Which is what I am planning to do anyway.

 

[Cats26]

Interesting. At the institutions where I was incarcerated, without fail, ever single patient expressed dissatisfaction with the 'care' they were receiving. Alongside my own, I witnessed many people's conditions worsening as a result - having breakdowns, self harming, purging, restricting, going mute, not getting out of bed the entire day, lashing out at anyone and everyone due to being literally and figuratively boxed into a corner, rocking back and forth and banging their head against the wall because staff wouldn't allow them to call their parents. These were all people who were mostly lucid and you would not consider them 'crazy' if you got a glimpse of their average day.

Some had family members who were kind and aware enough to intervene on their behalf and they were discharged before their stay was complete - if they were able to intuit the situation, or the prisoner managed to communicate to their family in coded language so that the staff wouldn't prematurely terminate their phone call for being manipulative and refusing to engage in treatment. I shit you not.

I was polite at first too. I went to all the groups and participated, I took the meds they required me to take and didn't try to spit them out, I cleared my plate no matter how plastic and chemicalfull it was. I cooperated and complied and went along with everything until I realised that no matter what I did I would be treated like an infant and a prisoner. I tried talking logically and attempting to take an active stance in my treatment but it was like talking to a wall. At least a wall wouldn't spit back everything in your face and twist your own words against you. I tried pleading, bargaining, any tactic you could think of - and all was met with the same impassive condescending attitude.

They never increased freedoms for acting sane or polite. They only ever reduced them - punishing us for the exact symptoms they triggered, creating a horrific positive feedback loop from which only the blessing (I never thought I would say those words) of insurance running out could spare you. You could be discharged AMA but not if they threatened to press charges against your family for entirely false claims of child abuse. Thus my family's hands were tied the evil bastards that run those profit mills.

Those were among the worst three months of my life and I would sooner die than go back. Which is what I am planning to do anyway.

Damn I honestly don't really know what to say to that besides that is horrible and I am very sorry you went through that. I kind of struggle with realizing and understanding sometimes that people have different experiences than me with similar things, and so because I had a positive experience I just assumed that everything I had ever heard about it before must've either been dramatized or how things were in the past but not anymore. I know that's pretty ignorant of me, I've just always struggled with understanding things unless they've happened to me.

Most of the other patients in there with me also seemed as content as one could be in a place like that, aside from a few. I had a good time speaking with the other patients and even the nurses, a couple nurses in particular told me they liked me and would talk to me. We were allowed to talk on the phone freely, in fact it wasn't even within listening distance to where the nurses were as far as I know. I'm unsure if they had some way of listening in, but I called my family every day I was there multiple times and told them everything.

I actually have considered going back. I plan to die, but occasionally I will feel a slight feeling of hope and think maybe I should just go back for help. I am grateful now to have had a positive experience, but something really needs to change if hospitals are still being run like the ones you went to. It makes me mad now knowing that these places that are supposed to be helping people are doing the opposite. Thank you for telling me about your experience, I feel stupid for assuming that shit didn't happen anymore.

 

[gr1lledcheese]

Learned to isolate or at least conceal intent from anyone not 100% certain to respect my decision, had cops called, all my drugs taken (my weed) and only narrowly avoided mental hospital. Ruined all my relationships too. Never again lol.

Any takeaways you wanna share?

From my first serious attempt: OTC sleeping pills don't work. And I should have jumped in the canal (I can't swim). Also, if you end up in the psych ward, and you're in a common area- don't sit on the sofa, sit on a chair so no one can sit too close to you.
From my aborted attempt two days ago, take the Valium earlier.

 

[S like Siren]

Personally what I have discovered after my suicide attempts is that my family does not give a fucking shit whether I live or die ... but really for real I mean, this was the most disconcerting discovery I have made ... their only one concern was that I would get them into trouble with the police and then people would talk about it... for the rest I absolutely agree with this too

To never trust medical or mental health "professionals" EVER AGAIN, because they are abject sociopathic scum of the earth.

 

[erdbeeren]

Any takeaways you wanna share?

I learned to not express my genuine, unfiltered emotions. Last time I did, I ended up getting locked away in a hospital several hours from home. I was taken advantage of by a bunch of ruthless, greedy "medical professionals" all so they could rob me of my money (the total cost of all my treatment was nearly $10k!). I was given around 6 pills a day and wasn't even told what exactly they were and had to discover the side effects the hard way. The staff were rude and apathetic and there was barely any "real"therapy. They kept me longer than necessary because "they wanted to make sure I'd be safe". I know this is bs because just days before I was told that they will extend a patient's stay as punishment for what they deem to be bad behavior. And this was with jo obfuscation.

Not to mention the nightmares I had after the fact and borderline ptsd and fear of being sent back. I will never trust anyone again with the knowledge that I'm not okay. Literally never again.

 

[medicinenightmares]

Ooof. So many things.

-If I am serious about CTB then I have to lie to my mental health professionals when they ask me if I'm feeling suicidal or if I have a "plan". Often times, I will answer truthfully because I always have this nagging feeling that I want to get better and to be saved, which always ends up with me in the psych ward for a week or so then back home to feel just as shitty.

-Stop trying to CTB with Tylenol, Advil, T3s, my antidepressants, etc. It never works, just makes me feel sick & go to the hospital to drink charcoal & have an IV.

-Every single failed attempt breaks my relationships with friends & family more each time. I have lost a lot of people that I love because of my mental illness. If I am going to attempt to kill myself again, then it has to be serious.

-Don't post any sort of goodbye or angsty rant on social media if I'm serious about going through with it.

-Don't tell my friends. They will only get upset and want to help but they won't accept that I am beyond help now. I am tired and I want to rest.

-Don't make any spontaneous attempts. They always fail.

-Prepare, prepare, prepare. Do a lot of research on methods and make sure that it is reliable, lethal enough, and easy enough to do.

-Adding this again because it has led to my failures multiple times, DON'T TELL ANYONE.

 

[stevieu]

I've learnt that 'mental health professionals' do not understand. They may have qualifications, but they don't have 'experience'. Isn't that a necessity for applying for a job these days? Oh the irony. I think there are ones who genuinely care, but there are others who simply have that patronising superiority complex - they are there to look down on people suffering - to somehow make themselves feel better in the whole process.

The only people who understand the struggle are people like us - people who have found refuge on this website.

Feeling isolated and marginalised are sure ways of making the feelings worse and that's all society does to us 'broken ones', all whilst peddling the empty platitudes. Perhaps in another reality it's the 'normies' who are considered to be the broken ones - the ones who need 'fixing' - to see and feel more deeply.

When I was evaluated after spending days in hospital after taking an overdose of co-proxamol (what would have been a deadly amount) at age 18, I was asked: "Do you still want to die?" Of course, my answer was "no". Two boxes of my already prescribed anti-depressants were left at my bedside ready for taking home.

Although that attempt was somewhat impulsive (no real planning or research and family members were at home) I have felt suicidal all of my adult life and my next attempt will be successful.

 

[bad luck]

That I'm immune to diazepam. Now seriously, I think overdoses are not reliable.

 

[Zeus35]

Learned to isolate or at least conceal intent from anyone not 100% certain to respect my decision, had cops called, all my drugs taken (my weed) and only narrowly avoided mental hospital. Ruined all my relationships too. Never again lol.

Any takeaways you wanna share?

How did you ruin all of your relationships?