What has prevented your CTB so far?

[ijustwishtodie]

Survival instinct, lack of access to peaceful methods, too scared to risk brutal methods etc. I literally only have one chance to ctb. If I fail the attempt, I'll be a prisoner to my parents for life. Not to mention that my parents are constantly spying on me and that I don't have any autonomy to just go outside at night time to kill myself.

I'm literally only alive because the obstacles to suicide itself is simply too great. I'm not staying alive for others or for the hope that life gets better or whatever. I don't want life at all and, if I had the chance to kill myself peacefully, I would take it immediately with no hesitation. I have no desires to be a human or go through the human experience

 

[turbomightbegone]

I'm honestly just a fucking coward.

Trying to set up a method or getting the bravery to do so just sends me into a downwards spiral of extreme moodswings and breakdowns. I'm not even sure if I want to die half the time, despite me knowing that my life is full of shit and will continue being so. By the time I actually manage to decide and get enough courage to actually try and attempt it'll probably be too late.

 

[Gangrel]

I tried on impulse and i failed. I am also scared of it, scared of the pain, scared of the after, scared of the fallout for others in my life.

 

[Boudika]

Me being fucking coward

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I'd never wish to exist, to me existence is something so painful, futile and torturous, all I wish for is to be unconscious for all eternity, I find it deeply undesirable to exist, existing truly has caused me nothing but suffering. If I had the option to just painlessly free myself from this existence I'd be long gone but tragically that is not the reality so I suffer instead, just wishing to never exist again, I just wish I could disappear and erase my existence.

 

[Qevyn]

Fear.

 

[Kozu]

I wanted to get a student accommodation (so I could be alone for an extended period of time) but none of my requests were approved. So, I'm currently stuck at home, and I do not wish to CTB there. Next year maybe? If I'm lucky this time.

 

[Trakehner]

lack of a reliable method + fear of failing again

 

[27ClubSoon]

I am fundamentally miserable and probably will be forever. I try to not let go as it would hurt my family. I fear what it would do to them. So I keep going purely for that reason.

I've often daydreamed about ways to do it that look accidental, this is especially hard when the people you're trying to convince it isn't suicide are aware how you feel.

 

[Infinitespace_]

Pain. I don't believe in a totally painless and peaceful method nor a painless death. If it's not pain than it's extreme discomfort.
I know it's inevitable but It's a different kind of hell when you want to escape suffering, when fully aware that the process will only cause you more.

dying in your sleep seems pretty painless to me

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Oddly enough, I'm not suffering enough anymore. Everything is just flatlined, numbed out. It's a relief in a certain sense, but it also means that right now there is nothing pushing me towards either living or dying, nothing that makes going through the ordeal of preparing for CTB preferable to continuing on another meaningless day, but also nothing that makes building a future attractive. I feel stranded in no man's land.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

• Adulting - need to do a will and all that crap
• Method and research - need to figure out how
• Planning - settle on when and where. I want to travel overseas and dream of dying overseas

 

[Final_Choice]

I need to be alone to CTB, only time I'll be able to CTB is thanksgiving week or in march for about a week. I kind of want to graduate first since I'm close to graduating anyway, but all the college work just makes life more miserable, so not sure if it's even worth it. I'll probably CTB in thanksgiving week, in March, or May after graduation. If I don't, then my next plan is to lie and say I got a job offer somewhere far away from my family, move to another state during summer, live there for a few weeks and then CTB and try to make it look like I was poisoned.

 

[vinlander]

Waiting for my gramps to go to the other side peacefully before me, projects (including places i want to visit and things i want to do before ctb) and friends, even if i don't talk much about ''this side of me'' with them

 

[etherealspring]

hesitation

 

[mythofsisyphus]

Hope, grief, denial and guilt.

 

[LostExit]

Sadly, fear and the god damn si. I have tried to do a few things. Partial to the point it was obvious as well as night night. Slow sit into full but panicked grabbed for life. I cannot seam to pass out. Si kicks in pretty bad yet. I even own big long pew pew but the mess it would leave stops me. I wish there was an off switch so there was no room for error. It's hard as hell when you have a brain that just won't shut up. I do feel like I'm one bad moment away from a good run at it again however. It's a mind numbing existence.