LostHope556
Member
- Mar 31, 2025
- 51
I probably shouldn't be posting this level of personal detail about my girlfriend on a public forum, but, well this is anonymous, so hopefully that evens things out...
Last night she was crying because she's afraid to lose me as a boyfriend, and I realized that she's right, the way my patterns are, we will probably end up breaking up. It's not like I can even control it, I'm pretty fucked up when it comes to intimacy. That made me realize, that in every way that really matters, I have "a lot of work to do".
And fuck that. Fuck having "a lot of work to do", that's a fucking life sentence. What the fuck even is that? I'm fucked when it comes to making a living, I'm fucked when it comes to love, I'm fucked when it comes to even having friends or building a community. Where the fuck am I not fucked in?
Then I started thinking about the SN hidden in my closet. A part of me wanted to tell her, and I was high as hell on weed, and even though I was high as fuck and super emotional, I was crying for fuck's sake (I never fucking cry) - I still did NOT tell her.
That kinda scared me. I did NOT tell her.
And then I started thinking about what would happen to her if I CTB... I think she would be FUCKED...
She really fucking loves me... I don't even trust that, but somewhere I know. She really does actually fucking love me. If I fucking offed myself? She would be fucked...
That's me literally passing a potential life sentence of pain onto her... Minimum 10 years of pain, maybe 20, maybe life.
That's potentially breaking some part of her. Maybe even permanently. I don't know, but I do think CTB is a lot different than a simple break up. I'm guessing that would leave way deeper fucking wounds.
I think she would blame herself, because she wasn't "there for me enough".
I think she would not trust love anymore, at least not for quite a while.
She's already low on hope in a lot of ways, with her own life. She ALREADY has a lot of pain to deal with, I would be adding a HUGE fucking boulder into her existing backpack of pain.
I would be scared and suffer for a bit, but in the end, I would be gone. Her? She would be left living with this inescapable pain. How long would it haunt her? What would it do to her? What would she miss out in her life because of the pain I would leave her with?
I would be gone, she would be left with a life sentence. Just like the life sentence I have right now.
I did NOT tell her about the SN, because I don't want her to know. Because if she knew about the SN, and then I do choose to CTB later, that's another piece of knowledge her brain can use to torment her. That she KNEW about the SN and did nothing and now I'm gone. That's why I didn't tell her. I don't want another level of guilt and pain for her.
I have a really close friend who would also be hit heavily with my passing. I feel badly for that too, but he's okay in a lot of ways in his life. My girlfriend is not. She's fucked in a lot of ways already....
I didn't tell her about the SN, but I did tell her that I feel myself losing hope a little, and I cried. That was vulnerable and honest. That level of honesty will have to be enough for now.
Maybe one day when this is behind me, I can tell her and others close to me where I was really at, but for now I keep my cards close to my chest...
If you read this, thank you for seeing me, even if it's just for a glimpse.
Sending you love and care.
For a bit, I did feel like everyone would be better off without me... But I think that was my brain putting that guilt of CTB on me in the present tense, even though I haven't actually done it (yet?). Hopefully never.
My brother too... I think it would fuck him up in some way too. It may be more subtle than the emotional nuke that would hit my girlfriend, but I think it would also likely leave him with potential lifelong pain...
Hell, even my dad would probably be effected in some way. Although I'm honestly a lot less worried for him. He's part of the reason my life sucks, so... Fuck him lol. Also, he hasn't had a lot of interest in my life up to now, why the fuck would he take interest when I'm gone? He'd be fucking fine.
Last night she was crying because she's afraid to lose me as a boyfriend, and I realized that she's right, the way my patterns are, we will probably end up breaking up. It's not like I can even control it, I'm pretty fucked up when it comes to intimacy. That made me realize, that in every way that really matters, I have "a lot of work to do".
And fuck that. Fuck having "a lot of work to do", that's a fucking life sentence. What the fuck even is that? I'm fucked when it comes to making a living, I'm fucked when it comes to love, I'm fucked when it comes to even having friends or building a community. Where the fuck am I not fucked in?
Then I started thinking about the SN hidden in my closet. A part of me wanted to tell her, and I was high as hell on weed, and even though I was high as fuck and super emotional, I was crying for fuck's sake (I never fucking cry) - I still did NOT tell her.
That kinda scared me. I did NOT tell her.
And then I started thinking about what would happen to her if I CTB... I think she would be FUCKED...
She really fucking loves me... I don't even trust that, but somewhere I know. She really does actually fucking love me. If I fucking offed myself? She would be fucked...
That's me literally passing a potential life sentence of pain onto her... Minimum 10 years of pain, maybe 20, maybe life.
That's potentially breaking some part of her. Maybe even permanently. I don't know, but I do think CTB is a lot different than a simple break up. I'm guessing that would leave way deeper fucking wounds.
I think she would blame herself, because she wasn't "there for me enough".
I think she would not trust love anymore, at least not for quite a while.
She's already low on hope in a lot of ways, with her own life. She ALREADY has a lot of pain to deal with, I would be adding a HUGE fucking boulder into her existing backpack of pain.
I would be scared and suffer for a bit, but in the end, I would be gone. Her? She would be left living with this inescapable pain. How long would it haunt her? What would it do to her? What would she miss out in her life because of the pain I would leave her with?
I would be gone, she would be left with a life sentence. Just like the life sentence I have right now.
I did NOT tell her about the SN, because I don't want her to know. Because if she knew about the SN, and then I do choose to CTB later, that's another piece of knowledge her brain can use to torment her. That she KNEW about the SN and did nothing and now I'm gone. That's why I didn't tell her. I don't want another level of guilt and pain for her.
I have a really close friend who would also be hit heavily with my passing. I feel badly for that too, but he's okay in a lot of ways in his life. My girlfriend is not. She's fucked in a lot of ways already....
I didn't tell her about the SN, but I did tell her that I feel myself losing hope a little, and I cried. That was vulnerable and honest. That level of honesty will have to be enough for now.
Maybe one day when this is behind me, I can tell her and others close to me where I was really at, but for now I keep my cards close to my chest...
If you read this, thank you for seeing me, even if it's just for a glimpse.
Sending you love and care.
For a bit, I did feel like everyone would be better off without me... But I think that was my brain putting that guilt of CTB on me in the present tense, even though I haven't actually done it (yet?). Hopefully never.
My brother too... I think it would fuck him up in some way too. It may be more subtle than the emotional nuke that would hit my girlfriend, but I think it would also likely leave him with potential lifelong pain...
Hell, even my dad would probably be effected in some way. Although I'm honestly a lot less worried for him. He's part of the reason my life sucks, so... Fuck him lol. Also, he hasn't had a lot of interest in my life up to now, why the fuck would he take interest when I'm gone? He'd be fucking fine.
Last edited:
