I got severely ill from the vaccine. how are you holding up?
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Astronauta
Student
- Aug 9, 2022
- 104
DreamSurfer
Beyond this reality the waves of peace await
- Apr 8, 2022
- 110
Going through the ups and downs of a rare cancer diagnosis that my mom was given. I was taking care of her, all those times there might be hope, only for bad news over and over. Seeing and hearing her suffer. The calice way that her oncologist broke it to us that we should seek hospice care. It was 12 years ago and I constantly relive thoughts from all of that
The in home hospice was rough and traumatic. I still have dreams and random memories that just jolt me. Still dream about her and sometimes wake up already with tears in my eyes.
Also having severe anxiety so my brain still brings up dumb shit I may have said or done, even 20-30 years ago that makes me cringe that nobody remembers but me.
And how I feel about myself and how I look, to myself.
The in home hospice was rough and traumatic. I still have dreams and random memories that just jolt me. Still dream about her and sometimes wake up already with tears in my eyes.
Also having severe anxiety so my brain still brings up dumb shit I may have said or done, even 20-30 years ago that makes me cringe that nobody remembers but me.
And how I feel about myself and how I look, to myself.
Hollowillow
The only place that allows negative feelings.
- Aug 7, 2022
- 1,515
My birth, bullying, sexual abuse, suicide attempt at 11, both parents never wanted me, wanting to be a boy growing to have the biggest tits in elementary school, bullied again, not belonging, health issues, pedos, abandonned by mother who came back crazy & violent, anorexia, narc mom, violent fiancé, no men love except their porn, more bullying, quitting a job to get a better one but losing it, burned out, needing connections to find work not talent, religion is a lie to control & molest kids, medicine is a lie to control adults, nutrition can cure the incurable, but hard to keep up with poison. 22 years with mold, now acid cleaners... Hit by a car hospital called me crazy. Beaten cops said I deserved it. Bad hidden intentions from people offering care. Banned from support group & social services. Help based on blaming my mind & tellung me to tolerate. Denied solutions & even hope.
Shame of ruining my new home with poison worst than mold. No hope left... No energy left...
I deserve to die but I had so many plans for my new beggining... But it was the end.
I spent 2 years straight completely convinced that I was going to hell. It's not a moment of peace or rest for those entire 2 years. It's hard to care about anything when you believe you are about to be tortured for eternity
Hollowillow
The only place that allows negative feelings.
- Aug 7, 2022
- 1,515
Sadboyspecimen
Member
- Feb 8, 2022
- 84
The many times that I have foolishly laughed at insensitive jokes in an effort to, what I seem to always convince myself is a means to "fit in". Some time long ago I came to the conclusion that people don't like people who appear to be "perfect", so when someone comes to me making racist/pedo/mysoginistic jokes or just come to me talking shit about someone else I immediately laugh and eventually start to join in. But I seem to forget about the fact that these people are testing me to see what I think and who my character is. And I've destroyed my reputation for it. Maybe I am just a bad person I guess. But I know I haven't done, nor ever would do any of these horrible things. I'm just desperate to be liked and will say anything to avoid being the target I guess.
Lily (Osako)
Everything all at once
- Jul 30, 2022
- 381
All of it. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year.
All. Of. It.
All. Of. It.
Darkover
Archangel
- Jul 29, 2021
- 5,653
smoking weed and listening to music with headphones on caused a brain injury between 2015-2016 been debilitated ever since
Life_and_Death
Do what's best for you 🕯️ I'm............
- Jul 1, 2020
- 7,031
everything....i have a memory from when i was 1-2 and im still going over memories from yesterday and everything in between....my brain is just constantly, this happened, that happened, remember that time....i always remember, i do nothing but remember..... (which is ironic because i have memory problems. short term though. why couldnt it be my long term....)
i should be taking my med but i dont...
i should be taking my med but i dont...
I think the moment I was born my life is fucked up. bad mother who spoiled my relationship with my father. he didn't divorce her because of me and I wasn't a good son to him anyway. I understood everything after his death. only he was normal in all this so-called family. he died a month and a half after diagnosis. tumor. lung, liver, large intestine. it was a death sentence. the doctors did nothing. I thought it was covid time. everything in my life has been falling apart since my father died. it must be a penance. and I don't have the strength anymore.
Meeting an online predator that took advantage of me,
SA by a stranger when I was isolated for 4 years abusing alcohol and vulnerable (really should have stayed in talk therapy this could have been avoided),
Losing my mother
SA by a stranger when I was isolated for 4 years abusing alcohol and vulnerable (really should have stayed in talk therapy this could have been avoided),
Losing my mother
After I found this site and decided to go to different journal. I actually feel so relieved now. The things used to upset is no longer important to me any more. I used to be so upset my husband think I am not good enough for him and he prefer his previous partner or partners. Or he thought I was the reason he lost his family and friends. But now I don't care any more and I feel so free. And just today, when I think about him, I feel in the end of day, I appreciate his generous. To be honest and fair, he can be far more worse than he is.
Lost Magic
Illuminated
- May 5, 2020
- 3,206
My mother dying of cancer and suffering. I also feel partly guilty for the things I could have said and done for her better. Now, I am just a broken lonely mess of a man. I've also had my fair share of fake friends in my life, so that didn't help either. I am ready do leave this world very soon. So, most of my newest threads will be about catching that glorious bus. By the way, I am so sorry we all feel that we have been robbed in this life. It hurts my heart!
Not really well. Neuropathy is 80-90% better than in the beginning, but it has been stagnant like this for 4 months now. Chronic urticaria has been gone since May thankfully. But POTS and extreme insomnia is still present and I can't neither work nor continue my studies because of that. Next month I'll do an immunadsorption in Germany, hopefully that can finally heal me. At least to a point of having a somewhat normal life again.
Astronauta
Student
- Aug 9, 2022
- 104
My mother kept telling I should never exist and no man would ever want me, love me in the future through my childhood.
has anything helped with our insomnia. my brain got friend from the vaccine also and can't sleep either.
home
Member
- Sep 10, 2022
- 77
magicalsarcoma
sending love to cats
- Apr 4, 2022
- 105
I often, still almost every day, think about my dead cat
That cat was like a brother to me, perhaps he was the best member of my family
I don't think death is something bad. Rather, on the contrary
But I'm selfish, so i miss
That cat was like a brother to me, perhaps he was the best member of my family
I don't think death is something bad. Rather, on the contrary
But I'm selfish, so i miss
Most recently, my mother's illness in 2016 combined with the truth coming about about her abusive role in my father's suicide. I went no contact with her (and 99 percent of the rest of my family, also) in 2017. It took me a long time to recover from the situation (which also opened old wounds from childhood). But I just got a message the other day about her current condition going downhill, and the message alone, with the visuals it presented, just brought back all the physical and emotional turmoil that I fought so hard to get over. She is my "kryptonite." Despite her abuse, I still have images from childhood seared into my brain of her suffering and crying that make me want to run and save her like I did in 2016, except now I know that you can't save someone who won't save themselves. Yet most of it was brought upon her by her own bad decisions. And I feel like no matter how I realize what a horrible person she is, I am somehow "symbiotically" connected, so that her pain is mine. (Just how she wants it, no doubt...) It was almost enough to make me CTB right then and there, when I got that message.
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A close family member called me "Scarface" in an argument. I always thought deep acne scars in my face didn't matter much, and was optimistic about getting it treated in future, but at that moment, I died inside. Apart from gradual decline of my mental health and bullying at school.
