Discussion What does your idea of the “ideal friend” look like?

[Shroomsonmyhead]

This is a question that I ask people very often and I have never once seen it fail to create interesting conversations, so I figured I'd also finally ask SS since friendship and relationship struggles are such a common topic here.

For me, when I try to imagine what my ideal friend would be… I honestly cannot do it. Its like stepping into a grocery store and then just awkwardly standing next to the gumball machines like a dumbfuck because you can't even remember what you were there for in the first place, ahaha

I can obviously list off the common traits we all gravitate towards… kindness, intelligence, confidence, etc. but beyond that my descriptions quickly become vague. I have always primarily been friends with the opposite sex, but that's certainly not much of a descriptor.

So what does YOUR "ideal friend/partner" look like? What are their common traits? What are their common behaviors? How do they differ from whatever relationships you already have? Thanks

 

[DivineSpark]

Similar humour is very important. Similar hobbies and interests as well.

 

[enduringwinter]

I don't know - I've had so many beloved friends but sometimes very bad and complicated things happen to me and no one has been able to respond. In those times I would make a silly request like peel me an orange and they would say no and I leave. Forever. I don't know why it hurts. I would have liked a simpler life where complicated bad things dont periodically happen and I don't act like this. I am too weak to be me

 

[Sunü (素女)]

My ideal friend is a friend where my desire doesn't feel unequal, where their intensity matches with my own, where I don't need to doubt about their/my worth. I'd want to feel that I have to share them the important details of my life and to want to hear theirs too. Conversations with them would often last for hours or whole afternoons. Each topic being a novelty or a heated discussion. No topic is taboo, and even when there's some hesitation to say something, it'll always be met with considerable understanding. My ideal seems to be characterized by this surprising amount of mutual understanding and frenzy with each other.

The ideal "one" doesn't only seem to be a certain person with a certain mixture of traits or behaviors. I'd say it's the presumption of having found someone special that then deems the person as the ideal. My own perception of them becomes a factor and very often does it view others with disdain. The only reason I was able to experience and describe my ideal was because I was young. My discernment of people have developed now, and no one seems to be special to me anymore. I've come to accept that I'd likely never meet another special person, considering who I am now: a social recluse.

Practically, I can achieve my ideal by focusing on myself instead. Being with oneself, being this ideal friend to oneself, can be a substitute to a deep friendship.

 

[livershapedbox]

Aside from the common basic good qualities anyone would list, someone that is capable of thinking against whatever the current mainstream allowed views are, and can at least detect the low quality propaganda most normal people fall for all the time (I'm a member of a few minority groups that are often used as moral panics by the media, so this would be important specially because otherwise I can't trust them to not hate me someday if a moral panic about me gets very widespread).
I'd also like them to be someone I can have long interesting conversations with about a bunch of topics in my interest, and someone that will trust me to comfort them when they are sad and in turn comfort me when I'm sad.
I already had some friends like these in the past but only online, it's harder to find people like that irl and trust them enough to get as close as I like

 

[Shroomsonmyhead]

My ideal friend is a friend where my desire doesn't feel unequal, where their intensity matches with my own, where I don't need to doubt about their/my worth. I'd want to feel that I have to share them the important details of my life and to want to hear theirs too. Conversations with them would often last for hours or whole afternoons. Each topic being a novelty or a heated discussion. No topic is taboo, and even when there's some hesitation to say something, it'll always be met with considerable understanding. My ideal seems to be characterized by this surprising amount of mutual understanding and frenzy with each other.

The ideal "one" doesn't only seem to be a certain person with a certain mixture of traits or behaviors. I'd say it's the presumption of having found someone special that then deems the person as the ideal. My own perception of them becomes a factor and very often does it view others with disdain. The only reason I was able to experience and describe my ideal was because I was young. My discernment of people have developed now, and no one seems to be special to me anymore. I've come to accept that I'd likely never meet another special person, considering who I am now: a social recluse.

Practically, I can achieve my ideal by focusing on myself instead. Being with oneself, being this ideal friend to oneself, can be a substitute to a deep friendship.

The ability to have extensive, long-lasting conversations about anything and everything is a really good descriptor to have included. You phrased it better than I likely would've.

I relate to the idea that getting older and more discerning makes people appear less and less special or notable. I myself can't remember the last time that I met someone who I thought was truly a standout.

It makes obvious sense, though. The first time you go skydiving is always going to be a more intense experience than the hundredth. It's not that skydiving itself has changed in quality… you just already know what it entails. "Special" is always relative to our current position in life.

The only part of your post that I don't relate to is the conclusion. In my experience, being an ideal friend to oneself is a prerequisite to, rather than a substitute for, truly deep and meaningful adult friendships. But whether or not that is also true for you is not something I can comment on.

Aside from the common basic good qualities anyone would list, someone that is capable of thinking against whatever the current mainstream allowed views are, and can at least detect the low quality propaganda most normal people fall for all the time (I'm a member of a few minority groups that are often used as moral panics by the media, so this would be important specially because otherwise I can't trust them to not hate me someday if a moral panic about me gets very widespread).
I'd also like them to be someone I can have long interesting conversations with about a bunch of topics in my interest, and someone that will trust me to comfort them when they are sad and in turn comfort me when I'm sad.
I already had some friends like these in the past but only online, it's harder to find people like that irl and trust them enough to get as close as I like

"Ability to detect low-quality propaganda" would have never been on my immediate list of necessary qualities for a close friend, but now that you've pointed it out I couldn't agree more, haha. I know EXACTLY what you mean.

I also feel the same way about making friends online vs irl. I have had quite a few conversations with friends online where they have admitted to me that they feel as if online relationships have "spoiled" their ability to enjoy real-life friends, since for many of us it is so much easier to find people who share our traits and interests online than in our immediate environment… especially if you are someone who lives in a rural area.

 

[milkteacrown]

Someone who maintains my interest, but who is also someone I trust and feel emotional attachment to. It's very simple in my case—the person doesn't have to be kind, intelligent, or inspiring, only unique enough that I don't feel boredom talking to them.

 

[livershapedbox]

The ability to have extensive, long-lasting conversations about anything and everything is a really good descriptor to have included. You phrased it better than I likely would've.

I relate to the idea that getting older and more discerning makes people appear less and less special or notable. I myself can't remember the last time that I met someone who I thought was truly a standout.

It makes obvious sense, though. The first time you go skydiving is always going to be a more intense experience than the hundredth. It's not that skydiving itself has changed in quality… you just already know what it entails. "Special" is always relative to our current position in life.

The only part of your post that I don't relate to is the conclusion. In my experience, being an ideal friend to oneself is a prerequisite to, rather than a substitute for, truly deep and meaningful adult friendships. But whether or not that is also true for you is not something I can comment on.

"Ability to detect low-quality propaganda" would have never been on my immediate list of necessary qualities for a close friend, but now that you've pointed it out I couldn't agree more, haha. I know EXACTLY what you mean.

I also feel the same way about making friends online vs irl. I have had quite a few conversations with friends online where they have admitted to me that they feel as if online relationships have "spoiled" their ability to enjoy real-life friends, since for many of us it is so much easier to find people who share our traits and interests online than in our immediate environment… especially if you are someone who lives in a rural area.

Aside from how selective online friendships allow one to be, I think it's also easier for a lot of people (or at least me) to dare to get to that deep intimate stage of friendship where you make yourself very vulnerable when you are behind a screen and could easily never have to interact with that person again if it goes very wrong. Talking about controversial topics with honesty is also easier because of this

 

[RoyalBengalAutistic]

Like Ideal black body. It doesn't exist.

 

[tiredash]

Someone who maintains my interest, but who is also someone I trust and feel emotional attachment to. It's very simple in my case—the person doesn't have to be kind, intelligent, or inspiring, only unique enough that I don't feel boredom talking to them.

Everyone wants somebody to entertain them and I hate that.

I just want someone to be able to trust.

 

[milkteacrown]

Everyone wants somebody to entertain them and I hate that.

I just want someone to be able to trust.

It's more than entertainment for me—it's the ability to feel emotions about a person. The desire to know more about them and spend time with them; missing them when you're apart. It's something I am not able to feel on a chemical level, and I want the things I don't have.

 

[Shroomsonmyhead]

Someone who maintains my interest, but who is also someone I trust and feel emotional attachment to. It's very simple in my case—the person doesn't have to be kind, intelligent, or inspiring, only unique enough that I don't feel boredom talking to them.

Even though my personal idea of an "ideal friend" would definitely be described as "nice," I have personally always disliked the narrative that a friend has to be particularly kind or even intelligent to be a worthwhile addition to your life. I've had lots of friends who were HUGE assholes… but they were fun to be around, and loyal to their peers.

Just like humans don't need to eat salad for every meal in order to live… I also think its perfectly fine to have friends who aren't conventional "friend" material, especially it you already know what to expect from them.

Aside from how selective online friendships allow one to be, I think it's also easier for a lot of people (or at least me) to dare to get to that deep intimate stage of friendship where you make yourself very vulnerable when you are behind a screen and could easily never have to interact with that person again if it goes very wrong. Talking about controversial topics with honesty is also easier because of this

Yeah, the ability to instantaneously "pull out" of a friend group (or even just a single conversation) is a huge plus of making friends online.

Something I talk about a lot with people is the paradoxical nature of friendship itself: in order to know for sure if you'd really enjoy being in a relationship with a person… you have to already be in it.

You can't know the exact temperature of a pool just by observing it, so to speak. You have to dip your toes in.

Like Ideal black body. It doesn't exist.

We know! :) It's just a fun topic for discussion.

Technically, one could always find a singular flaw in the most hypothetically 'perfect' person in the universe and then say that their new ideal is an exact clone of them minus the one incredibly minor deviance… but the point of the convo is to dig into the nuances of what separates "good" friends from "great" ones, not to obsess over some fictional amalgamation of "required" traits.

 

[tiredash]

my ideal friend would also be my gf... because i cannot conceive one thing without the other...

im envious of people who can be in romantic relationships without trusting each other and hiding stuff from each other

 

[citruslynx]

Someone with the same values as me... There were instances where I would hear someone say something out of the blue and it completely made me re-evaluate that person as a human being.

Other than that, maybe someone who would be understanding of my need to be alone for long periods of time. Ik that sounds unfair, and it is a big ask... but why can't we still stay friends and catch up whenever? Why is it so hard for some people to understand that I'm not depressed or anxious because I want to be? I think that's why I enjoy daydreaming about having friends more than actually having friends. I'm terrible and borderline incapable at "maintaining" relationships and constantly tending to them.

 

[SickNSad2024]

someone relatable, I haven't been able to come across anyone like that; and someone who means what they say and say what they mean

 

[whywere]

Someone who does NOT have age discrimination written all over them, kind heart and caring.

I could care less about money or fame or anything, just a nice soft-spoken person who would like me for me and nothing else.

I could care less about age, wealth, anything, just a warm-hearted person who cares about others, that is what life is all about period.

Walter

 

[Johnsonn]

It is very sad thing to lose a friend, not everyone has had one.

 

[Crematoryy]

My ideal friend is a friend where my desire doesn't feel unequal, where their intensity matches with my own, where I don't need to doubt about their/my worth. I'd want to feel that I have to share them the important details of my life and to want to hear theirs too. Conversations with them would often last for hours or whole afternoons. Each topic being a novelty or a heated discussion. No topic is taboo, and even when there's some hesitation to say something, it'll always be met with considerable understanding. My ideal seems to be characterized by this surprising amount of mutual understanding and frenzy with each other.

The ideal "one" doesn't only seem to be a certain person with a certain mixture of traits or behaviors. I'd say it's the presumption of having found someone special that then deems the person as the ideal. My own perception of them becomes a factor and very often does it view others with disdain. The only reason I was able to experience and describe my ideal was because I was young. My discernment of people have developed now, and no one seems to be special to me anymore. I've come to accept that I'd likely never meet another special person, considering who I am now: a social recluse.

Practically, I can achieve my ideal by focusing on myself instead. Being with oneself, being this ideal friend to oneself, can be a substitute to a deep friendship.

Throughout my life I have had many virtual friends. I would say that I came close to this "ideal person" precisely because I didn't know her personally. I have friends with whom I can communicate at any time and discuss any topic. But still, they don't satisfy my need for touch and human contact -- they only alleviate my loneliness when I'm in crisis.

 

[FoxSauce]

Just want someone i can relate to and i think laughter goes a long way. But even in disagreements and different views and values we can come to a mutual ground and someone who has your back.


We can talk about anything and just be chill about it. I think is also important that doesn't behind your back or belittles you.

Trust is also important aswell as compassion .


But those kinds of people are hard to come by, I hope I can be proved wrong.

 

[Yume Nikki]

probably a clone of me ahahaha

 

[itbelikethat]

I can't pick out any specific traits tbh. Although someone i feel safe talking too, and someone who peeks my intrest intellectually and emotionally. Won't bullshit me, but won't make me feel like a bad person. Someone who respects me, and communicates well. Someone who respects themselves in that same way.

I'll find that person, in fact I already found someone like that. I screwed it up cause of unforseen mental health issues though, and my dumbass got attached too easily. But I'll do better next time till I get it right :3.

 

[pulse1]

Genuine care for me, I think. Being able to feel happiness or sadness along with me when things go well in my life or not.

 

[Sutter]

Stranger.

Looks like the people in the world I see. A person that is who they already are. Whether paths cross or not. Always a jig to determine a value but a mirror helps.

Have met fair people in strange places, rather than bringing a yard stick I just let them offer what they want.

Dont have shrooms on my head, looks may tell a story but not all of it and well am far from ideal, as that is an enormous field of lavender to cross for a fox with muddy paws and pine tar stuck in my fur.

 

[Pluto]

 

[Anonymousa]

I would say an ideal friend/partner for me would be someone who we could take in turns taking care of each other, sharing interests and venting about our problems. I would like them to suffer from similar issues to me or did so in the past so we are more able to understand, empathize with and support each other with whatever we are dealing with. They would be funny but also caring and affectionate. Also being able to have huggies a lot of the time with them would also be really really nice.

 

[mysticatedwine]

someone that'd get it and that I'd get to hug