Discussion What does it feel like to be suicidal? Feelings, thoughts, sensations? What is your experience?

[ReallyTired]

For me suicidal thoughts always come with depression. But sometimes, I'm able to ignore them. I might be walking down the road, and the thought might catch me off guard but it quickly passes through my mind and I go about my day.
But other times these thoughts stick around. It's like a huge weight is dropped onto me, and I'm struggling to get out from underneath it. I suddenly get an instant urge and desire to end it all, and the thoughts can start to overwhelm me. In those moments, I'm convinced I'll do anything to get out from under that weight, even if it means ending my life. It's like there's a glitch in my brain that's triggered and my mind goes haywire.
Crossing a road when I'm depressed is torture. The urge to throw myself under the bus can be really strong. I'm also glad I don't drive. When really depressed, I'd probably crash the car deliberately, or I'd drive off a bridge.

 

[Hateyouprolife]

I dont "suffer" from suicidal ideation. I think it is uncommon, but I dont feel that down or anything, just looking forward to it. Makes me feel good that im gonna take matters to my own hand.
So for me they surely are not a burden.

 

[flagmaster]

This existence makes no sense to me. I've been going on for what feels like far too long doing whatever is needed to get through each day and keeping what I've got intact by pretending with this act so that I meet society's expectations of me. I feel more disconnected, lost, numb and empty every day. I'm losing my ability to concentrate and I feel disassociated from myself and everything around me. It's all consuming and at its very worst when I'm around other people because it's becoming so difficult to hide everything that's going on inside and near-impossible to hold a conversation and find the words to say when you're thoughts are screaming. I don't think that people really listen to other people anyway. Conversation has to fit into their own narrative. They say talking can help but what if you can't find the words to pull together in order to make any sense? You can talk about things for as long as someone else gives you the time to do so but then you're still left with all that weight inside your head which feels like it's causing the brain to rot, forcing you to lose everything you once were and leave behind a barren shell stuck in autopilot acting out instinctively without any spark, desire or enthusiasm. Everything is a question without answer. It becomes apparent that it's always a better day tomorrow.

suicidal thoughts weigh you down and outweigh everything else. You know that death is happening whether it's by your own hand or not. It's impossible to survive this. So it just soaks up all your day

 

[FuneralCry]

A lot of the time I have feelings of despair and hopelessness. I am scared of life and I dread the future. I have a pointless empty existence, in a way it is like I have already died. Thinking of death can be comforting, it is the one way to be free from it all and to finally find peace. In my case I am not meant for this world and I want nothing to do with living. Nothing would ever make me want to live.

 

[Circles]

Like it's the end of the world every day even though nothing happens to end it. Indescribable dread. I constantly wonder why I even exist. I'm scared. Alone.

 

[Hurt]

Suicidal thoughts are tiring. I miss the times when I were not suicidal. Sadly those times will never come back. This world is hell now.

 

[zzld]

My suicidal thoughts never catch me off guard or "just appear," I don't think I am ever not thinking about it. I've had them as long as I can remember.
They aren't exactly paired with depression either... I mean, I haven't been "happy" since I was maybe 9 or 10 years old and I only think that because others tell me.

I'm just numb tbh. Nothing excites me or ever really has. I find no joy in anything. I don't cry and I don't feel sorry for myself. I just don't want to be alive. I fantasize about how to do it constantly. I've been trying to get my hands on SN or N but it's difficult. I'm considering walking the streets trying to find enough fentanyl and taking it while I partially suspend.

 

[forgotten15]

Suicidal thoughts are a part of me, i've had them since little and I can't conceive my life not thinking about ending it. Even when I had good days I thought about suicide because I don't really see a point in life. To me life is mostly suffering, there is so much pain and despair in this world that I often think this is the hell that the Bible talks about.

I don't fit in anywhere, I just feel that something must be wrong inside me because I am not able to do the things society classifies as normal. I don't see myself being with someone, having a family, friends, being a happy person, going out. I despise all of this and if I could I would lock myself in a room and never got out.
I don't see a future for myself because I am not made to function in this world. The reason I am still here is SI and fear, but i hope I will overcome these in the near future. There is no point for me to be here.