Venting What do you even do at this point?

[otoko]

My birthday was exactly 8 days ago, and just the same as every year, my first though is "wow, can't believe i made it". which is honestly pathetic as a woman in her twenties, but what can i say.

i'm on the west coast currently, visiting my partner of 5 years who i'm certain will leave me as soon as i return home. i told myself once he does, i would immediately ctb. that's it. there wouldn't be any other point for me to continue, and the thought of him immediately being with someone else and having to live with that is a fate far worse than death i think.

there's a part of me that wants to beat him to the punch, ctb before he can sock it to me- as awful as that sounds, but part of me hopes things will work out. i wish he loved me the way he did 4 years ago. but he's bored, and anyone who's spent enough time around mentally ill women knows that's a chore and a half.

it feels so childish to end it over a relationship but, it's truly the last thing i have. how it lasted as long as it did, i'm not sure. i've always been the one pulling the weight in it anyway, maybe i'm just overly hopeful. im not sure. he just sat nearby while i broke down about the way i felt and now hes just sat back at his computer again. probably cheating on me. again. why do i even bother i always sit and wonder and cry over it for hours. things could have been so much different. i had a new job lined up after this vacation. if i can even call it a vacation. but for what.

i don't even know what else to say at this point. i sat on the phone with crisis today for an hour and felt absolutely nothing. just half heartedly answering questions. no i dont need the mobile crisis force, no dont send the police i promise i dont have any weapons.

christ, i don't know what i'm going to do.

 

[Vexin]

sometimes shit is too much I get that. I just wish I have someone to talk to. If you're willing to talk then I am too but if not then wish you luck.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I've had a very similar experience where I was totally co-dependent, it really does suck. I hope everything turns out well for you.

I personally spent a lot of time with my friends during this time to distract me from how I felt during that time. If you choose to CTB I'd recommend getting set up ASAP as I felt too depressed to even function to properly attempt.

I really hope things can improve to you, he doesn't sound like a good partner.

 

[Riu]

Wow, that sounds really rough. Don't you have anyone to support you at all? If you have no one else, just remember that I and other people here are willing to share our love with you!

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that after all you just cannot rely on other people and I understand that it's awful when existing just gets worse. It certainly is such a cruel world that we exist in but anyway I wish you the best.