Story What do I make of this?

[sshine]

I haven't been on here for a bit but something happened today. I don't normally share personal things, but I need to write this down somewhere.

I actually tried once as a kid, so today came as such a surprise. I always get so much anxiety thinking about existential stuff since then but never suicidal ideation until now.

So I was standing on the platform waiting for the train, and I randomly thought about how easy it would be to just step in front of it. Some stations have those doors but this one didn't so it was possible.

In that moment, I wasn't even scared I was just thinking about how to do it. It felt the right move. No one was around so I waited at the edge. I heard the train coming and I am about to step down but then I heard a baby crying. I looked back and think I saw a woman with a pram and then felt the wind from the train rush past. My arm was so close to the train I'm surprised I didn't hit it. I got on the train but I didn't look back to see the baby. I don't know if the baby was real or my brain just made it up to stop me but everything felt so real.

Sorry, my grammar isn't perfect and this happened very recently, so it is a bit rushed. It's been a few hours and I still don't know how to feel about it.

 

[LastNite]

Youre still here. Thats what matters most love. Try your best not to act out of impulse. Things tend to go south whenever you act without thinking everything through.

 

[sshine]

Youre still here. Thats what matters most love. Try your best not to act out of impulse. Things tend to go south whenever you act without thinking everything through.

Thanks LastNite and I have not felt any impulse before yesterday in a long time and I don't know what happened with me. I am not sure if I can explain it properly and it felt like a real intention and not the existential thoughts I usually have, so it made me feel quite scared because it was as if a stranger has taken over my mind.