What do I do?

[Install-Gentoo]

I am 20. I know this is young, whatever. After the police discovered I was suicidal, they raided my apartment and now I live with my parents as a NEET. I don't do anything productive but every week I meet with a therapist whose appointments I have stopped caring about.
Last year, I was able to get materials to make hydrogen sulfide, and I made good preparations but SI made me unable to do it.
Since then, my hydrogen sulfide materials have been taken from me, there are no chemicals in the whole house, I don't have a belt, I don't have access to car keys, I can't leave the house alone and if I try at night I will be caught by security system. With no other option, I messaged Pegasos to see if by some miracle I would be eligible for their program. I'm not.
I feel trapped. What do I do? I feel like I had the perfect opportunity and threw it away because of SI.
I don't hate my parents, and they feel like they're doing the right thing, but... this is my choice. I am an adult. But they don't want to give up their "investment".
I just don't see any way out. I thought that somehow I could be eligible for the Swiss program just because I was an adult but I guess that's too simple-minded. I thought I would get a job and work towards being able to afford that, but now there's no point. My parents track any money I spend, so I can't go and buy suicide materials, online or otherwise. My house is small and they check my room, so I can't hide anything to prepare for my death.
It just seems like an impossible situation. I hate that the process of "getting better" in their eyes is complete coercion and elimination of any other option. You either magically become joyful and productive, or you stare at the walls of a padded cell. I feel like suicidal people in general might actually have a higher chance of feeling better if they actually did have access to suicide, because then they can tell themselves "look, I had access to this the whole time and I chose not to do it, that's progress and I'm getting better!" instead of "well... I guess the only option forward now is to lie to everybody for years until I get a slight opportunity"

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like such a horrible situation and to me it's extreme cruelty how people so unfairly bring life into this world and then force them to stay here. Existing should be seen as a choice, not an obligation and all those who wish to die should be able to leave in peace. The fact that there are so many pro suffering people here just proves that this world is hell.

 

[6MillionWaystoDie]

Honestly the thing I don't understand is how reasonable people think that stripping an adult of all control and autonomy over their own lives will make them feel better, like more productive citizens. Without knowing each individual, I'd imagine it would feel like an animal who is trapped and desperate to be free. There are cases of caged animals who break free never to return. I just don't understand how parents cannot see that some things that they think are helpful are actually to the detriment of suicidal people. I can't imagine having my every move watched. It would lower my self-esteem and my confidence about who I am. It would also make me angry as I now have to cease being who I am to become who they think I should be.

I think the goal is to reestablish your independence. Not necessarily to focus on CTB. That will always be an option even without elaborate chemicals. If that means lying to get to a point where you can get out front under monitoring so you can just breath then I'd do it. Maybe you also need to switch therapists as your parents may have chosen one that believes stripping adults of their rights is a beneficial addition to therapy. There are plenty of psychiatrists and psychologists I know personally who would argue against this.

You may even want to ask your parents for a different therapist because you don't think this one is helping. Do some research so that you have some say in your medical care. Often times that can be seen as a positive step; as someone who wants to get better. Hell, having a different therapist may actually really help you so it's a win win.


Pegasos is very resistant to people under 50 with solely metal illness requesting AS. I wouldn't take this personal.

 

[Zegers]

So basically in the US they can enter your house without any kind of judicial authorization?

 

[GasMonkey]

police discovered I was suicidal, they raided my apartment and now I live with my parents as a NEET.
I can't leave the house alone
My parents track any money I spend, so I can't go and buy suicide materials, online or otherwise.

WTF.

Where are you from? Are you sure that's legal in your country? Who decides when the house arrest ends? Or you are into house arrest indefinitely?

In my country all that is illegal, here nobody can't deprive you from your freedom unless you commit a felony.

 

[Install-Gentoo]

I was put in the hospital for a little while so I couldn't respond to this.
I am not on house arrest, but it's more that my parents don't want me to be alone ever.
I don't have any normal social interactions anymore because I have to be super careful with what I say to avoid being put in the hospital... again. Which is hard, because I have to see a therapist once a week. Who is someone that pushes hard to try and get me to say things I shouldn't.
When the police came to my apartment last year, they did not actually enter. I guess I should have been more clear: I was out for a walk, and when I came back there were 15 police officers at my door. They said "we just want to talk", I said "I don't have to talk before getting a lawyer" they said "that's not how this works". So I guess they didnt need much anyway. I'm still willing to bet they would have got my door open however they wanted if they believed I was in there.
My current plan is to get out in the middle of the night and drown myself. I live near the ocean, so if I can somehow find a way to get outside I should be able to run to the ocean and swim as far as I can. It sounds extremely terrifying to do that, though. I guess that's just a hurdle I'll have to clear.

 

[Aisley]

This is all a disgusting assault on your autonomy. I think everyone here is outraged and baffled on yoir behalf. What I would recommend is take to the therapy. Treat it like the best band you never heard in your life. Drink that fucking koolaid and act like this was all just a morbid little phase. That's exactly what they all think it is anyways. Work towards recovery, get some job flipping burgers, your own goddamn bank account, and look to leaving home. Exactly where your head was two years ago. Just pick all that back up. You remember. Then, you have your freedom back to figure things out, and make your own choices. Now, I know this all seems unrealistic, and an eternity, but come on. What else are you gonna do? Not like you're going anywhere. And therapy is already in place because they want it to work. So when they see it working, they'll nod their knowing heads like when you finished all your vegetables. Do the exercises and go through the motions. It's not that hard to look normal, when you know you have peoples' own confirmation bias on your side.