Help What do I do now?

[kunikuzushi]

So last night during a typical suicidal episode, my friend talked to me and basically professed their eternal platonic love for me and told me if I die they die too. This caught me by surprise. We swore we would live our lives happily together as an iconic duo. This is all I ever wanted. I've never felt a love like this. As happy as I am, I'm still suicidal and now I suddenly cut off my coping mechanism of telling myself "it's ok I'll be dead soon" whenever I start to feel like shit. So my question is what do I do now? Actually live life? This is terrifying. I've been living every day like it's my last for so long. I don't even know where to begin.

 

[SleepingLessons]

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this - though I know it must be so amazing to feel loved in that way, I know it can be so terrifying for your plans and coping mechanism to be taken away like that. It sounds like your friend cares about you so much, so maybe you should talk to them about what they'd like you to do to get help, or if they have any advice. It seems like reaching out for help to mental health services might be really helpful if that's an option for you.
It sounds like thinking about life in the longer term is really stressful for you, so it might be good to try and do some mental work to try and start focusing on just getting through the day you're currently in - trying to stay more in the present. While you shouldn't have to do this alone, and it's preferable to get help from a therapist, there should be some online resources to help with things like staying centred and in the moment. Right now the most important thing is getting to the end of the day. You've been in such a dark place, I know it can feel hopeless, but small steps will get you somewhere.
CTB will always be an option, but you have somebody to live for. Recovery is always worth trying, and you're stronger than you think. You can do this!

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

SleepingLessons makes great points. So far your coping mechanism has been relying on your escape. With time and help you will build up new coping mechanisms. It will be hard and scary at first but it's worth it if you get to stay to experience this love.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this - though I know it must be so amazing to feel loved in that way, I know it can be so terrifying for your plans and coping mechanism to be taken away like that. It sounds like your friend cares about you so much, so maybe you should talk to them about what they'd like you to do to get help, or if they have any advice. It seems like reaching out for help to mental health services might be really helpful if that's an option for you.
It sounds like thinking about life in the longer term is really stressful for you, so it might be good to try and do some mental work to try and start focusing on just getting through the day you're currently in - trying to stay more in the present. While you shouldn't have to do this alone, and it's preferable to get help from a therapist, there should be some online resources to help with things like staying centred and in the moment. Right now the most important thing is getting to the end of the day. You've been in such a dark place, I know it can feel hopeless, but small steps will get you somewhere.
CTB will always be an option, but you have somebody to live for. Recovery is always worth trying, and you're stronger than you think. You can do this!

Thank you so much for your help. I'm gonna give them some time alone before I ask them for any advice. I really don't want to overwhelm them, and I'm absolutely terrified of ruining everything because of how intense I can be. I'm happy this person matches my emotional intensity enough to say they would die if I die, and I really do believe them, but we haven't been friends for a long time so this really came out of no where.
I'm so tired and can barely take care of myself that I'm so unmotivated to find professional help. I've been in therapy for years in the past, and I'm hesitant to go back. But I might have to. I'm gonna keep focusing on getting through each day like you said. So far, it's working. Thank you again for your help and for motivating me

SleepingLessons makes great points. So far your coping mechanism has been relying on your escape. With time and help you will build up new coping mechanisms. It will be hard and scary at first but it's worth it if you get to stay to experience this love.

Thank you so much. I really do hope I can stay and experience this love for as long as possible