Something or someone to help me safely process my trauma, on my own terms.
I have two main traumas, SA and the mental health industry.
Sexual assult repeatedly as a child has messed up my perspective of my body, my life, and especially not consciously realizing it has made me feel so lost within myself. I hate my body and I wish to have one was wasn't tainted this way, but we all know that's impossible. The only true escape is to die.
I can't get myself to try therapy again at this moment because of the years of agony. It's a very unique trauma as it actively makes one avoid help which can, in theory, help. I say in theory because I was forced there and basically was pressured to be vulnerable or else, which made me more closed off and less trustworthy of anyone who calls themselves a professional following a script or instructions that should of worked.
It also is difficult to speak up in general because it is seen as the only way to heal and the most discussed method, and refusal to go can be seen as "you don't want to get better", which can make oneself percieved as toxic, unlikeable, and to stay away from. So to not have peers to safely discuss this with outside SaSu and a loss of respect from people around me, it's increased my urge to CTB over the years.
I have hope once day I'll be okay again, but this trauma, the thing likely causing my near daily overwhelms, the thing that makes life unbearable as I have to bottle it up to avoid people saying "go to therapy", it's hell. I want to imagine a life where I'm not this way but I really struggle sometimes. I want to have hope, and I hope that by processing and moving from it, I can be okay. Otherwise, I got my methods, my last resort, should I just be done with this.
