Venting what can i do?

[ihatelifeandcoping]

i am trans and i can't look like a woman so i am 100% sure that i will ctb. the problem is that my mom doesn't want to leave me alone since i am so depressed in case i do smth bad. i have been already unemployed for a year and a few months and i want to end things in the next few months. i just can't take it anymore and i don't want to just go and find a job or start my master and struggle even more for no reason. i think i can get SN fast locally since i live in an eastern european shithole so i just need to wait more for the antiemetic.

i was alone and rotted for the last couple of months and i could have obtained the stuff then but i kept coping and hoping i could improve my situation and now when i finally gave up, i no longer have that luxury. idk what i can do, i can't keep rotting bc starting my master now and looking for interships is the only way to 'bounce back', if i miss this boat, i am 100% like done but i am done anyway, it is just that i won't be left alone ever if i don't 'recover'.

should i just struggle to fake having a good life until i can do it? i am just tired too depressed and i can't do anything anymore, i only have the energy left to ctb, if i could be alone for just less than three months, i could do it but my mom would rather keep me alive and struggling miserably daily instead of letting me go, she even guilt tripped me with a vacation just to not ctb bc if i die she will be sad but my situation is hopeless and inescapable no matter what i do.