What are your thoughts?

[bearbrikk]

How do you view your life in combination with your suicidal thoughts?
(I wanna learn and listen to you)

 

[FuneralCry]

My wish to die is a result of becoming aware of how truly undesirable existence is, for me existence itself will always be the true problem with death being the relief from this, in my case suicide is rational to escape from meaningless suffering in an existence where there is no limit as to how much one can suffer.

The existence of life was the most horrific tragedy to me that caused nothing but harm, I never would have chosen to exist and I'd always see it as preferable to be unaware for all eternity than to have the ability to suffer in this pointless existence, human existence is the most futile and dreadful burden to me and I only find comfort in the thought of being permanently free from it.

 

[bearbrikk]

My wish to die is a result of becoming aware of how truly undesirable existence is, for me existence itself will always be the true problem with death being the relief from this, in my case suicide is rational to escape from meaningless suffering in an existence where there is no limit as to how much one can suffer.

The existence of life was the most horrific tragedy to me that caused nothing but harm, I never would have chosen to exist and I'd always see it as preferable to be unaware for all eternity than to have the ability to suffer in this pointless existence, human existence is the most futile and dreadful burden to me and I only find comfort in the thought of being permanently free from it.

If I may be curious.. what is stopping you?

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

How do you view your life in combination with your suicidal thoughts?
(I wanna learn and listen to you)

I feel trapped. I know I can have a better life one day when my son is grown up and I can move out but that 'one day' is six years away. How can I keep afloat for six years?
Death is a more permanent guaranteed peace and it could be mine sooner, that's That's when I think, why bother trying to wait it out. And if it were easy and painless I'd just do it but it isn't, so I can't.

 

[bearbrikk]

I feel trapped. I know I can have a better life one day when my son is grown up and I can move out but that 'one day' is six years away. How can I keep afloat for six years?
Death is a more permanent guaranteed peace and it could be mine sooner, that's That's when I think, why bother trying to wait it out. And if it were easy and painless I'd just do it but it isn't, so I can't.

ofcourse... the very first thing in mind is the thought '' its better than no father at all'' but I disagree. I don't know if you are masking around your son but people especially children feel it when something is wrong or off.

 

[FuneralCry]

Lack of access to peaceful, guaranteed suicide method. Also fear of trying to die going wrong and leading to way worse suffering. I really wish there's an instant suicide pill or accessible peaceful poison with no risks or complications involved, it'd be such a relief.

 

[derpyderpins]

I'm scared, and I'm tired, that's all, but it's enough to keep the thoughts in the back of my head.

I went to this counselor in undergrad, not as therapy per-se, but it was someone you went to at least once a semester to review your course selection and progress and you could schedule visits with. I would go see him an extra time once a semester or so just to vent and talk. One visit, I was in there, letting him know I was really struggling with the concept of work and job searching, and that I was tired and really thinking negatively about having to work forever, and he said "Derp, you sound bitter today." That's stuck with me. Bitter. Around then I remember the distinct realization that my resting face was not a smile or even neutral, but a frown. I felt it in my muscles, I guess.

So I guess it's that. I'm scared, bitter, and tired. That's how I view my life as it concerns my suicidal thoughts.

 

[LaughingGoat]

I'm generally content with my life. I definitely deal with depression and self-hatred, so it's not all roses but my consistent suicidal thoughts usually come from a philosophical perspective more than an emotional one.

 

[DavidInternet]

Lack of access to peaceful, guaranteed suicide method. Also fear of trying to die going wrong and leading to way worse suffering. I really wish there's an instant suicide pill or accessible peaceful poison with no risks or complications involved, it'd be such a relief.

I'd never encourage anyone to take their own life, let alone a stranger who I know nothing about - but if it's really that bad, surely Dignitas or something could be an option?

 

[lostinwoe]

I'd never encourage anyone to take their own life, let alone a stranger who I know nothing about - but if it's really that bad, surely Dignitas or something could be an option?

assisted suicide is illegal unless you meet certain requirements

 

[bearbrikk]

assisted suicide is illegal unless you meet certain requirements

And those certain requirements ( if you meet those ) require a lot of fighting against specialists to prove nothing helps. That ctb is the best option. I personally do not have the energy anymore to bicker with specialists about my own body.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

My life is actually fairly chill without my suicidal thoughts. I'm just a whiny baby who goes right back to deserving to die for how much of an awful person I am.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I'm not suicidal at this time, but knowing that I can choose to die on my own terms at any time brings me peace. At the moment, my entire life revolves around a convoluted but 100% legal plan to make sure my parents will be punished for abusing me as a kid. I don't know what comes after that. Maybe I find the will to live at that point, and tread this fine line where I never truly find my peace but still find meaning in my life. Maybe I decide it's time to leave, after I get my revenge. It's still too early to know exactly how things will pan out.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't see life as a game worth playing anymore. I'm tired of trying I suppose. So, realistically, I'm only going to put in the minimum of effort to try to prevent things getting worse but, that also means they won't get better. I no longer trust the things that probably could bring in the most happiness- friendship and connection because I'm sick of the loss that tends to accompany them. Plus, I'm so negative now. I realise my ideas are so gloomy. It wouldn't be easy to hide that while forming a close friendship.

I'm limping on out of a feeling of obligation to my Dad and I really don't want to hurt him. But yeah, I find the (passive) idea of suicide a great comfort as an end to life's struggles. Not that I probably do struggle as much as some poor folk but, it's horses for courses. I know I've had enough. Of course, the actual idea of hurting myself terrifies me. I just hope I can pull it off, if and when the time comes.

 

[bearbrikk]

I don't see life as a game worth playing anymore. I'm tired of trying I suppose. So, realistically, I'm only going to put in the minimum of effort to try to prevent things getting worse but, that also means they won't get better. I no longer trust the things that probably could bring in the most happiness- friendship and connection because I'm sick of the loss that tends to accompany them. Plus, I'm so negative now. I realise my ideas are so gloomy. It wouldn't be easy to hide that while forming a close friendship.

I'm limping on out of a feeling of obligation to my Dad and I really don't want to hurt him. But yeah, I find the (passive) idea of suicide a great comfort as an end to life's struggles. Not that I probably do struggle as much as some poor folk but, it's horses for courses. I know I've had enough. Of course, the actual idea of hurting myself terrifies me. I just hope I can pull it off, if and when the time comes.

I had the same thought. No energy left to try and make it better but for me at least it is not worth the suffering so it is trying every day to make it better somehow or its done you know?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I had the same thought. No energy left to try and make it better but for me at least it is not worth the suffering so it is trying every day to make it better somehow or its done you know?

Yeah, I suppose it's an intricate system of balances in a way. Or, that's how I see it. Suicide is scary for most people. So, the push to make us do it needs to be sufficient. There needs to be enough suffering I suppose to make us sure that more life is more scary than death. I think a lot of us here are in a weird limbo, where we maybe don't have the energy to really push towards recovery but we don't quite have the guts for suicide yet either. Or, there are other mitigating circumstances- hanging on for loved ones for example.

In my case, it's this weird feeling of treading water, waiting for my Dad to go first. There's a part of me that actually enjoys the 'break' I've given myself. I used to be so stressed and worried the whole time. I used to feel like a failure so much. It's justifiable- my main worry is my freelance creative job which is hugely unstable and I'm basically a failure financially at it.

But now, I'm like: f*ck it! It's not like I need a pension as a corpse! I'm just going to wing it as best I can with what time I have left to 'serve'. I just need to try and ensure I don't totally screw up but I'm not going to put myself through the wringer over and over, trying to challenge myself to have a better life. I've already done all that shit and it didn't work out. I want as easy life as I can manage now before I leave. (Hopefully.)

Are you an 'all or nothing' type of person do you think? I think I used to be, till I worked out that the 'all' probably wasn't even worth the effort!

 

[bearbrikk]

Yeah, I suppose it's an intricate system of balances in a way. Or, that's how I see it. Suicide is scary for most people. So, the push to make us do it needs to be sufficient. There needs to be enough suffering I suppose to make us sure that more life is more scary than death. I think a lot of us here are in a weird limbo, where we maybe don't have the energy to really push towards recovery but we don't quite have the guts for suicide yet either. Or, there are other mitigating circumstances- hanging on for loved ones for example.

In my case, it's this weird feeling of treading water, waiting for my Dad to go first. There's a part of me that actually enjoys the 'break' I've given myself. I used to be so stressed and worried the whole time. I used to feel like a failure so much. It's justifiable- my main worry is my freelance creative job which is hugely unstable and I'm basically a failure financially at it.

But now, I'm like: f*ck it! It's not like I need a pension as a corpse! I'm just going to wing it as best I can with what time I have left to 'serve'. I just need to try and ensure I don't totally screw up but I'm not going to put myself through the wringer over and over, trying to challenge myself to have a better life. I've already done all that shit and it didn't work out. I want as easy life as I can manage now before I leave. (Hopefully.)

Are you an 'all or nothing' type of person do you think? I think I used to be, till I worked out that the 'all' probably wasn't even worth the effort!

I 100% relate to how you think/feel. I am most definitely an all-or-nothing kind of person because of my autism and bpd. For me, I don't understand an in-between. Why are you waiting for your dad? If I may ask ofcourse. Do you feel guilt of leaving him?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I 100% relate to how you think/feel. I am most definitely an all-or-nothing kind of person because of my autism and bpd. For me, I don't understand an in-between. Why are you waiting for your dad? If I may ask ofcourse. Do you feel guilt of leaving him?

I'm very close to my Dad because my Mum died when I was young. I think for a time, he may even have considered suicide but, he hang on for me, so I suppose part of it is returning the favour. Not to be egotistic but I think my suicide would devastate him. I just can't really justify doing that at the moment. If things got a lot worse though, maybe I would feel differently. I've been lucky enough to not suffer with many severe health problems. That's one thing that would tip the balance. But yeah, I'm hoping I can just tread water as best I can. Not being funny but he's not young now either. Late 70's. I've had ideation to varying intensities for 34 years. I feel- if I've hung on that long and actually through worse periods than I'm in now, I ought to push through the last leg and wait.

I'm sorry you suffer with autism and bpd. I always get a bit mixed up. Is that bipolar or borderline personality disorder? There are lots of members with autism here. It must make life so difficult. I'm sorry.

 

[bearbrikk]

Im sorry to hear about your mom. I dont have a dad because he abused me all my life so I have a close relationship with my mom. And I understand the feeling of responsibility towards your dad. I have that with my mom, she often says '' if you are gone I would go with you''. What helped me a little was, for now, I choose to live for my mom. day by day. I have borderline personality disorder. And its okay, I did not know of it before I was diagnosed.