Discussion (What Are YOUR Thoughts) when the bus is near?

[Its911]

In my case, everything acquires a different meaning im not worried about things i have to do tomorrow, im more worried about having the house clean, laundry done, food put away. So that friends and if any family come then they dont have to do anything. I have a knot in my stomach like someone punched me in the gutt. I havent had anything to eat today lost all my appetite but i think ill get some pizza, smoke a few cigarettes and just sit under the noose for a while. Theres a chill that crawls up my spine everytime i walk into the kitchen and see the noose there just Hanging on top of the chair, as if it was calling out to me. Its a very "unique" sensation knowing that its going to be my one way(non-refundable) ticket out.


P.S (off topic) i removed my Picture as avatar and put a more generic one, out of respect to my family if they find these posts on my phone.

 

[Circles]

I'm honestly scared even while trying to have no emotions about it. It's conflicting but that's probably the survival mechanism. I used to feel at ease knowing I could go at any moment with hanging but now I'm considering switching methods since it's becoming difficult. And the ever looming dread of feeling trapped without a safety net sucks.

 

[Ssrejisser]

In my case, everything acquires a different meaning im not worried about things i have to do tomorrow, im more worried about having the house clean, laundry done, food put away. So that friends and if any family come then they dont have to do anything. I have a knot in my stomach like someone punched me in the gutt. I havent had anything to eat today lost all my appetite but i think ill get some pizza, smoke a few cigarettes and just sit under the noose for a while. Theres a chill that crawls up my spine everytime i walk into the kitchen and see the noose there just Hanging on top of the chair, as if it was calling out to me. Its a very "unique" sensation knowing that its going to be my one way(non-refundable) ticket out.


P.S (off topic) i removed my Picture as avatar and put a more generic one, out of respect to my family if they find these posts on my phone.

Good luck, best wishes to you.

 

[Its911]

Good luck, best wishes to you.

Thank you, likewise. I think this is the only place where we can actually say what we think without judgements.

 

[lululoo]

It does help me feel a less worried about the future. I don't care as much that I have no way of fixing things.

However, I have an extreme problem with not believing that I can accomplish anything. I've had this since a young age. Like as a little girl, I thought I would never grow breasts, never kiss anyone, never have a job, never be loved (well I was right on the last one)...anyway I just can't believe in myself to a crazy degree, no matter how much I do get things done. So I don't think I will ever believe that I can CTB until I do it. So the comfort/peace I get thinking about CTB can only go so far.

 

[Volomori83]

I'm at peace with the fact I'm going to die. I worry about those who love me, none of whom will see this coming, as I know I'm going to cause them immeasurable pain. However I am content with my decision to die at a time, and a method, of my choosing.

It is a strange feeling in all honesty. When I was younger the idea of death would fill me with a cold dread. Now I embrace it like an old friend.

I visit the location I'm going to die frequently. I enjoy the process of setting up the noose and picturing in my mind the moment I put it around my neck one final time and descend into death.

It's not all clean-sailing; I have, as of late, developed a strange and irrational fear of the actual process of my death. Once I deal with that, there will be nothing preventing me.

 

[Its911]

It does help me feel a less worried about the future. I don't care as much that I have no way of fixing things.

However, I have an extreme problem with not believing that I can accomplish anything. I've had this since a young age. Like as a little girl, I thought I would never grow breasts, never kiss anyone, never have a job, never be loved (well I was right on the last one)...anyway I just can't believe in myself to a crazy degree, no matter how much I do get things done. So I don't think I will ever believe that I can CTB until I do it. So the comfort/peace I get thinking about CTB can only go so far.

Society kills everyday by setting standards for what is meant to be beautiful, i know attractive women that are as shallow as can come. People today dont fall in love with feelings and emotions people first fall in love with their eyes. I never had that problem i had enough sex for two lifetimes but im unable to truly love because of my sociopathy. All my relationships last about one or two years maximum because i get bored, and i cant keep stable friends i keep making new ones and just discard the old ones. I bearly call my own daughter, i havent seen her since Jan, i realize this is all fucked up, but i cant change it, my older sister is a psychologist in criminal reform, and she says she feels sorry for me. Since i cant feel love, or genuine compassion and empathy for anyone, or remorse i know that CTB is my end game.

 

[Its911]

I'm at peace with the fact I'm going to die. I worry about those who love me, none of whom will see this coming, as I know I'm going to cause them immeasurable pain. However I am content with my decision to die at a time, and a method, of my choosing.

It is a strange feeling in all honesty. When I was younger the idea of death would fill me with a cold dread. Now I embrace it like an old friend.

I visit the location I'm going to die frequently. I enjoy the process of setting up the noose and picturing in my mind the moment I put it around my neck one final time and descend into death.

It's not all clean-sailing; I have, as of late, developed a strange and irrational fear of the actual process of my death. Once I deal with that, there will be nothing preventing me.

I would love to go out with a nice view, maybe under a tree, but in the city where i am there is zero privacy at any time, and the fear of being caught, stopped and put into a ward, and being the pity or laughing stalk of others is what made me tie the noose in my kitchen. I just need to now put everything in order today and tomorrow, but the noose will stay up until it calls for me one last time and i catch the bus.

 

[Redt2go]

In my case, everything acquires a different meaning im not worried about things i have to do tomorrow, im more worried about having the house clean, laundry done, food put away. So that friends and if any family come then they dont have to do anything. I have a knot in my stomach like someone punched me in the gutt. I havent had anything to eat today lost all my appetite but i think ill get some pizza, smoke a few cigarettes and just sit under the noose for a while. Theres a chill that crawls up my spine everytime i walk into the kitchen and see the noose there just Hanging on top of the chair, as if it was calling out to me. Its a very "unique" sensation knowing that its going to be my one way(non-refundable) ticket out.


P.S (off topic) i removed my Picture as avatar and put a more generic one, out of respect to my family if they find these posts on my phone.

Ive been very nostalgic. Fondly remembering all of my experiences, all the people in my life I've lost. I'm a few months out though

 

[GeorgeEastman]

There will be no thoughts. There will be no plan. One day, I will just know that I have to die as soon as possible whatever it takes.

Until then, here I sit like an idiot. All I'm waiting for is the clear cut decision to get it done.

 

[Partial-Elf]

I typically don't feel anything about death and suicide, other than a constant and strong gravity-like pull towards it. The exception to the lack of feeling is when I'm actually in the noose (positive feelings) and when I've accidentally almost ctb accidentally while testing partial. More detail:

• Going through day to day life or contemplating suicide, I have a strong desire to die with almost no emotion attached. The choice feels pretty rational for me in that I just prefer non existence over my life as it is, or as I can foresee it becoming at any point in the future
• When I've experimented with partial suspension hanging in the past (stopping short of actually blacking out) I've felt basically no emotion. I've also felt like I was running on autopilot as I was putting the noose on, then coming back and feeling happy and satisfied and real as I was edging out
• The one time I genuinely almost died while testing partial was a different feeling. I had to really struggle at the edge of consciousness to get the noose off–at that point my fingers were not that responsive. Once I got out I felt a wide eyed fight or flight kind of effect and the gravity of the situation, like "damn, that's really real." I also was very aware of the inanimate nature of the noose, my room, all the objects around... whereas I think I'd made the noose feel alive before, like a benevolent and merciful female entity. Hmm, that sounds crazy as hell now that I write it out

However, the shock of the near death wasn't enough to really change any behavior. I basically just returned to the first bullet point

 

[DepressionsAHo]

What do i think?
This man says it much better then I ever could
May I present this

 

[Its911]

Ive been very nostalgic. Fondly remembering all of my experiences, all the people in my life I've lost. I'm a few months out though

Red this is the answer to your PM i cant PM you so ima just lay it out here...


Red this is the reply to your PM, i always kinda knew sonething was a little off, but my sister was the one that told me, shes has a phd in psyc and works in criminal reform, she was the one that pointed out that i fit every criteria for sociopathy and no it doesnt hurt all, im the one that cause emotional and psychological pain to other because i manipulate them to do what o want and to achieve my goals. I dont feel love, remorse, empathy, and lies are just a constant in my life, i even lie just for the fuck of it sonetimes without even needing too, just to see if i can get away with it. I decided to CTB becsuse i dont want to keep hurting my family, i dont feel bad about hurting them because i cant process remorse or guilt, but i see that they are hurt and suffering because of everything i have done and im doing. Thats why i have to go. But im not in pain being a sociopath is painless, actually i feel much less of everything.

 

[Redt2go]

Red this is the answer to your PM i cant PM you so ima just lay it out here...


Red this is the reply to your PM, i always kinda knew sonething was a little off, but my sister was the one that told me, shes has a phd in psyc and works in criminal reform, she was the one that pointed out that i fit every criteria for sociopathy and no it doesnt hurt all, im the one that cause emotional and psychological pain to other because i manipulate them to do what o want and to achieve my goals. I dont feel love, remorse, empathy, and lies are just a constant in my life, i even lie just for the fuck of it sonetimes without even needing too, just to see if i can get away with it. I decided to CTB becsuse i dont want to keep hurting my family, i dont feel bad about hurting them because i cant process remorse or guilt, but i see that they are hurt and suffering because of everything i have done and im doing. Thats why i have to go. But im not in pain being a sociopath is painless, actually i feel much less of everything.

I'm gonna pm you when you get the ability lol ty for responding

 

[Its911]

I'm gonna pm you when you get the ability lol ty for responding

Idk if im going to be around by then buddy, if you know what i mean i got my admit one for the bus either tomorrow afternoon or Saturday morning, depends on when my friend is available to come to the house and find me i dont want to be there hanging for more than an hour max. If he says 4pm im CTB at 3:15.

 

[Jacquelyn]

In April I hope to be sitting in my beautiful AirBnB with my tank of CO nearby, hopefully either too high to be worried about it or just be calm enough to accept my fate. Hopefully both!

So yeah, I don't expect nor do I want any scary feelings. I'm not scared of death. I'm scared of what will happen if I choose to live.

 

[Its911]

In April I hope to be sitting in my beautiful AirBnB with my tank of CO nearby, hopefully either too high to be worried about it or just be calm enough to accept my fate. Hopefully both!

So yeah, I don't expect nor do I want any scary feelings. I'm not scared of death. I'm scared of what will happen if I choose to live.

Thanks for sharing that sounds like a nice way to go, especially the part about being high my only worry would be id waste the tank staying high and not cranking it open to a lethal level ...

 

[Volomori83]

I would love to go out with a nice view, maybe under a tree, but in the city where i am there is zero privacy at any time, and the fear of being caught, stopped and put into a ward, and being the pity or laughing stalk of others is what made me tie the noose in my kitchen. I just need to now put everything in order today and tomorrow, but the noose will stay up until it calls for me one last time and i catch the bus.

I've found myself doing similar myself where I'll set up the noose and sit, chill and look at it. One day soon the hope is I'll be sitting looking at it and I'll just stand up, put it around my neck and just let go. I think that'll come once I've got a good understanding of what exactly is going to happen to me and my body physically and medically as I die. That's my final barrier to death.

 

[Its911]

I've found myself doing similar myself where I'll set up the noose and sit, chill and look at it. One day soon the hope is I'll be sitting looking at it and I'll just stand up, put it around my neck and just let go. I think that'll come once I've got a good understanding of what exactly is going to happen to me and my body physically and medically as I die. That's my final barrier to death.

Last night i tried partially suspending myself just to get a really good feel of what the squeeze would be like and i did not like it one bit. The noose is still there and will remain there but i have opted for the Night-Night method, id rather pass out to CTB than be choked out(couldnt find the sweet spot)

And if all else fails SN, but the noose will stay up since i live alone no one will find it, its like having a gun i can use it as soon as i want.


Thanks for sharing, hope you find peace wherever that may be!

 

[cornflowerblue]

In my case, everything acquires a different meaning im not worried about things i have to do tomorrow, im more worried about having the house clean, laundry done, food put away. So that friends and if any family come then they dont have to do anything. I have a knot in my stomach like someone punched me in the gutt. I havent had anything to eat today lost all my appetite but i think ill get some pizza, smoke a few cigarettes and just sit under the noose for a while. Theres a chill that crawls up my spine everytime i walk into the kitchen and see the noose there just Hanging on top of the chair, as if it was calling out to me. Its a very "unique" sensation knowing that its going to be my one way(non-refundable) ticket out.


P.S (off topic) i removed my Picture as avatar and put a more generic one, out of respect to my family if they find these posts on my phone.

Same thoughts I'd have any other day. On my last attempt it was planned for months so I spaced out my goodbyes and didn't save them all for one day,

 

[cornflowerblue]

On my last attempt, I was really just thinking about logistics and what's happening in that moment, and watching and waiting for my method to take effect. On the days leading up to it, it felt like settling my afffairs the same way I would before traveling for six months. But there's also a thought "shouldn't this feel special? I just feel the same", maybe like when you are 17 about to turn 18.

 

[Its911]

Same thoughts I'd have any other day. On my last attempt it was planned for months so I spaced out my goodbyes and didn't save them all for one day,

Im not going to say goodbye because they might be alerted, since im a sociopath by nature im emotionally detached so calling to say goodbye would be a red flag, i just wrote letters to everyone.


Thanks for sharing hope you find peace !

 

[Its911]

. But there's also a thought "shouldn't this feel special? I just feel the same", maybe like when you are 17 about to turn 18.

Hm i never thought about that, thats verrry interesting, but what could i do to make it special? Its not like its going to matter in less than 15 mins ill be clinically brain dead.

 

[cornflowerblue]

Im not going to say goodbye because they might be alerted, since im a sociopath by nature im emotionally detached so calling to say goodbye would be a red flag, i just wrote letters to everyone.


Thanks for sharing hope you find peace !

Spacing out the goodbyes means that you're the only one who knows what they are. For goodbyes I mean things like going to dinner with a friend and having a normal conversation, then going home. And CTB a few months later maybe. At the time of the dinner, I'd know it's a goodbye but they'd think it's a normal hang out.

 

[cornflowerblue]

Hm i never thought about that, thats verrry interesting, but what could i do to make it special? Its not like its going to matter in less than 15 mins ill be clinically brain dead.

I don't need it to feel special, I just get the feeling that it should, but that feeling is wrong. The birthday was the best comparison I could make because you expect to feel different when you become a legal adult but nothing magical happens when the clock strikes midnight.

 

[Its911]

Spacing out the goodbyes means that you're the only one who knows what they are. For goodbyes I mean things like going to dinner with a friend and having a normal conversation, then going home. And CTB a few months later maybe. At the time of the dinner, I'd know it's a goodbye but they'd think it's a normal hang out.

Ohh no any goodbye from me would be extremely suspicious in their eyes

To answer the second yea your right. Nothing special happens you just get more responsibilities and more bills to pay lol

 

[Volomori83]

Last night i tried partially suspending myself just to get a really good feel of what the squeeze would be like and i did not like it one bit. The noose is still there and will remain there but i have opted for the Night-Night method, id rather pass out to CTB than be choked out(couldnt find the sweet spot)

And if all else fails SN, but the noose will stay up since i live alone no one will find it, its like having a gun i can use it as soon as i want.


Thanks for sharing, hope you find peace wherever that may be!

It took a good amount of practicing to figure out the best method to hang myself with a modicum of comfort (as comfortable as the situation allows at least). Advice I was given on here by @Partial-Elf really helped as it allowed me to put the weight on the noose and not feel like it's tearing my head off. The biggest difference in my noose setup (following advice) was replacing the slipknot with a carbeaner (a metal ring would do) as this prevents the feeling of chafing at the back of the neck, it also slips a lot easier meaning you get tight compression with very little effort.

Then it was important to get the noose as tight as possible by applying a little weight to achieve this and sitting directly below the chin, then once I could let go of the noose without it slipping, I just dropped (as though dropping back on the couch after a long day) letting my body weight do all the work. At that point I felt all tingly and strange, vision began to go black and my hearing was like listening to the world underwater. I'd have been out within a few seconds if my brain didn't trigger all my OCD "what's happening right now" garbage.

I'd also never forget to pad the front of my neck with a cloth (or other material) to prevent the rope digging in to the top of my neck. Padding the front of my neck really helped reduce the feeling of the rope digging in. I'm not going to lie and say it was completely comfortable, but any discomfort is fairly quickly negated by the "death high" kicking in.

I've accepted that when I go to carry out the final act, I'll have to briefly bite down a little discomfort and then let gravity and biology take care of the rest.

 

[Its911]

It took a good amount of practicing to figure out the best method to hang myself with a modicum of comfort (as comfortable as the situation allows at least). Advice I was given on here by @Partial-Elf really helped as it allowed me to put the weight on the noose and not feel like it's tearing my head off. The biggest difference in my noose setup (following advice) was replacing the slipknot with a carbeaner (a metal ring would do) as this prevents the feeling of chafing at the back of the neck, it also slips a lot easier meaning you get tight compression with very little effort.

Then it was important to get the noose as tight as possible by applying a little weight to achieve this and sitting directly below the chin, then once I could let go of the noose without it slipping, I just dropped (as though dropping back on the couch after a long day) letting my body weight do all the work. At that point I felt all tingly and strange, vision began to go black and my hearing was like listening to the world underwater. I'd have been out within a few seconds if my brain didn't trigger all my OCD "what's happening right now" garbage.

I'd also never forget to pad the front of my neck with a cloth (or other material) to prevent the rope digging in to the top of my neck. Padding the front of my neck really helped reduce the feeling of the rope digging in. I'm not going to lie and say it was completely comfortable, but any discomfort is fairly quickly negated by the "death high" kicking in.

I've accepted that when I go to carry out the final act, I'll have to briefly bite down a little discomfort and then let gravity and biology take care of the rest.

VERRRY helpful thanks :) hopefully when you do decide to ride the bus, ill already be there, probably driving the damn thing lol

 

[Volomori83]

VERRRY helpful thanks :) hopefully when you do decide to ride the bus, ill already be there, probably driving the damn thing lol

Absolutely. I'll even let you drive as recklessly as you want because what else could happen to us

I've just the one hump to get over and then its ticket punching time.

 

[21Neberg]

Though you say you felt calm, I felt incredible anxiety and what ultimately caused me to pussy out when I tried to hang myself was the thought of my crying father.