What are Your Strongest Feelings about WHY You want to Leave this Life?

[purplemoon]

What are Your Strongest Feelings about WHY You want to Leave this Life?

Here are my deepest feelings on my reasons... I would love to understand your feelings on why you want to CTB... Thank you to anyone who wants to share and express themselves... a few of mine mention my religious beliefs, but it doesn't matter to me if you are atheist, new age, whatever you like, I welcome all... the point is to share YOUR feelings, no judgments, no filters, just your own personal feelings...

(and this is NOT a goodbye, just Sharing of thoughts/feelings)

Here are mine...

I just can't do this anymore... every month, every year... yet again, it still has never worked out, life still has never gotten 'better'... this is not me, this is my environment that is toxic to my soul...

I try my best in a society that is so unpredictable, with so many heartless people, so few trustworthy kind people...
I need more love, more goodness, more hope... It does not exist in this realm. Especially in this crazy American system, no affordable housing, no access to quality medical care without lots of money, constant violence all around us, and I can never find a good husband... so few true friends that really do care that really are there...

I cannot just keep going with this damaged nervous system, exhausted body, always on the edge of homelessness because of money... not based on who I am, or any good deeds or character... just money, cold & empty money, with the majority of my family having been physically abusive, emotionally abusive/distant, abandoning me, with only a few good family members... but here I am, BROKEN, once again, with none of my basic needs met... Starving inside spiritually, in a body that is the opposite of who I am inside, opposite of my Soul...

Peace in Heaven is what I need, not this physical realm with corruption, cruelty & evil monsters mixed in allowed to create so much damage, day after day... to me, and so many other good people like me around the world.

Enough is enough, I just want to go home soon... to fly away, far away & into the sky amongst the stars...

For me, there is freedom & peace escaping this world...

 

[TheGoodGuy]

That I will never experience my childhood ever again
Apathy and anhedonia
Severe physical and mental problems

 

[Squiddy]

Reason I want to end it is because of my mental illness and the fact that I feel incompetent. There's so many things I don't know how to do that I should've known by now. Oh and also that I have a hard time articulating myself verbally which I suspect it being a possible learning disability

 

[hatelife]

yeah all the above, and I feel so empty, I dont know I wish I could feel something nice and like everything will be okey and that God really is good....that there is a nice meaning to all this suffering...

 

[porfin1234]

Always had suicidal ideation over what I now deem ridiculous since I had stable home and job but just was for some reason often down and overly sensitive and self loathing.

Now it's all that on top of: thousands in medical bills because I was dumb enough to put self in hospital for suicidal ideation / attempt 3 times within 5 months.

Quit job I loved and now feel like I'm incapable and have been an imposter and doing badly on job so probably won't have it much longer. Made a mess of life with two rents, quitting jobs etc, drunk in public after trying to kill self jumping in front of semi but got scared and called 911.

At this point it's like.. yea. Fail at life. And reminded of all I had that I threw away on a daily basis. Was so on top of the world once in my life and that barely lasted because I sabotaged it all.

I look around always see beautiful competent sweet caring people and next to them I'm scum of the earth. I feel like I'm toxic and need to have a label on my forehead that says "Stay away for your own safety"

 

[Squiddy]

Always had suicidal ideation over what I now deem ridiculous since I had stable home and job but just was for some reason often down and overly sensitive and self loathing.

Now it's all that on top of: thousands in medical bills because I was dumb enough to put self in hospital for suicidal ideation / attempt 3 times within 5 months.

Quit job I loved and now feel like I'm incapable and have been an imposter and doing badly on job so probably won't have it much longer. Made a mess of life with two rents, quitting jobs etc, drunk in public after trying to kill self jumping in front of semi but got scared and called 911.

At this point it's like.. yea. Fail at life. And reminded of all I had that I threw away on a daily basis. Was so on top of the world once in my life and that barely lasted because I sabotaged it all.

I also owe thousands in medical bills too

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I will never be at my 100% physically anymore. I'm frustrated and everytime i think about that i want to die. I hate myself for all the wrong decisions I made through my life. I'm just done.

 

[purplemoon]

Reason I want to end it is because of my mental illness and the fact that I feel incompetent. There's so many things I don't know how to do that I should've known by now. Oh and also that I have a hard time articulating myself verbally which I suspect it being a possible learning disability

I also owe thousands in medical bills too

I know, especially in America, it's like you have a 5-minute conversation with a doctor and somehow that cost $400.

Not an injection, not a procedure,

just a 5 minute conversation = $400

Their Greed is out of control and it's hurting so many people...

Always had suicidal ideation over what I now deem ridiculous since I had stable home and job but just was for some reason often down and overly sensitive and self loathing.

Now it's all that on top of: thousands in medical bills because I was dumb enough to put self in hospital for suicidal ideation / attempt 3 times within 5 months.

Quit job I loved and now feel like I'm incapable and have been an imposter and doing badly on job so probably won't have it much longer. Made a mess of life with two rents, quitting jobs etc, drunk in public after trying to kill self jumping in front of semi but got scared and called 911.

At this point it's like.. yea. Fail at life. And reminded of all I had that I threw away on a daily basis. Was so on top of the world once in my life and that barely lasted because I sabotaged it all.

I look around always see beautiful competent sweet caring people and next to them I'm scum of the earth. I feel like I'm toxic and need to have a label on my forehead that says "Stay away for your own safety"

in my humble opinion, you were not dumb, you were just hoping to try again, it's not your fault how much they overcharge for what they call medical care these days, you had good intentions. At least it seems so from what you shared. It's not your fault how difficult the system is here, it sounds like you really were just trying, and I know it's really difficult when you think you're making a good decision, no one can predict everything.

Anyway, thank you for sharing.

I know I'm way into music, but for me this song (skipping the first 30 seconds of it) Wide Awake is about waking up to all of the lies and illusions I spent years holding onto, clutching onto, hoping so much... trusting the wrong people, trying to love everyone...
and my extremely abusive and violent father, who ruined my childhood, even hitting me as an adult, including choking me, and my mother said he even punched me as a baby & toddler, showed me that cruelty can even be from your own family...

in addition to some bad ex-boyfriends that were just parasites that never learned how to truly love someone in return...

What are your thoughts on this?... that REAL Love is about wanting that person to be happy, not about what they can do for you... but that you are happy knowing they will not be sad anymore... even if it means you have to let them go free...








& DEFINITELY THIS SONG... Especially the part about "I can't keep swimming like this forever..." It's intense but it's Real... from my Heart & Soul...





I don't know who else is at this point... this feeling... when it goes beyond a few times a month, beyond just when things become more of a struggle... that feeling when I just don't want to be here at all, even on a decently smooth day... I know that I just never belonged to this world...

That I am more than ready, no hesitations, no regrets, letting it all go...

So I whisper to the entire world, this is your last chance, these are my final days...

This time next year, I will not be here, nor one month from now... If it is that hard just to find love and goodness (not just marriage, but friendship, and decency in the human species in general)...

Then I am leaving forever... & I applaud everyone else who wants true peace away from this world.

 

[hatelife]

if u had more money would u still choose to die? If I had lots of money, man I would help all of u, and animals who hurt in world and kids and all suffering, I dont know how one can go on collecting billions like some do...maybe jeff bezos n them all have the money in stocks not actually can use most of them?

 

[Squiddy]

if u had more money would u still choose to die? If I had lots of money, man I would help all of u, and animals who hurt in world and kids and all suffering, I dont know how one can go on collecting billions like some do...

I would still want to ctb because it wouldn't change my mental illness or the fact that I'm incompetent

 

[hatelife]

I would still want to ctb because it wouldn't change my mental illness or the fact that I'm incompetent

I know how u feel, I have ocd, its not nice....not the ocd u think of...

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I would still want to ctb because it wouldn't change my mental illness or the fact that I'm incompetent

I also feel useless. The only thing I do is filling space.

 

[purplemoon]

if u had more money would u still choose to die? If I had lots of money, man I would help all of u, and animals who hurt in world and kids and all suffering, I dont know how one can go on collecting billions like some do...maybe jeff bezos n them all have the money in stocks not actually can use most of them?

You're sweet, thank you... How good of you to even wish you could help more people and you included suffering animals, too.

Money would certainly help, but I don't think it would make me stay, at least not much longer. I would just use the money to buy some more time to do some good things that need to be done for others. Important Remedies, this is what the governments of the world should be doing, it's not like they're not aware of all these problems. This is what extremely rich people should be doing, instead of hoarding millions and billions of dollars just for their 10th Mercedes, or their 3rd giant mansion? It's not like they can take the money with them when they die, people have a right to make sure that they are safe first, but with all of that extra, it's like what are you doing with it to help make the world a better place? I don't have a lot of money right now, but even when I've been more poor or more financially stable, I still gave as much as I could spare.

Why don't governments build more affordable housing so people don't have to have an invisible gun to their head all the time terrified that they won't be able to pay the rent, or get food, the basics that every human being should have as a matter of principle.

I would still want to ctb because it wouldn't change my mental illness or the fact that I'm incompetent

Good people, although they're in the minority of the human population, would never judge you on society's definition of competence, they would care about your suffering regardless,
& that your worth is not defined by this world, but who you are on the inside.

 

[k75]

I'm literally missing pieces of myself. My body will never look or feel the same, and I can't accept it. Everyone tells me to accept it and find a "new normal," but I don't want a new normal and I don't want to accept it because that means it's ok, and it will never be ok again. I just want my old self back and for everything to be the way it's supposed to be.

 

[Squiddy]

I also feel useless. The only thing I do is filling space.

Same. I just wish something would take me out

 

[purplemoon]

I'm literally missing pieces of myself. My body will never look or feel the same, and I can't accept it. Everyone tells me to accept it and find a "new normal," but I don't want a new normal and I don't want to accept it because that means it's ok, and it will never be ok again. I just want my old self back and for everything to be the way it's supposed to be.

If you feel comfortable, may I ask for a little bit of clarification on what you meant by missing pieces of yourself literally? That's very personal, so you don't have to say anything, but I'm just curious?

Plus even if they have good intentions, telling you to just accept this "new normal", is easier said than done.

Maybe it's their theory, but you're the one with the reality.

 

[k75]

If you feel comfortable, may I ask for a little bit of clarification on what you meant by missing pieces of yourself literally? That's very personal, so you don't have to say anything, but I'm just curious?

Plus even if they have good intentions, telling you to just accept this "new normal", is easier said than done.

Maybe it's their theory, but you're the one with the reality.

Would you mind if I messaged you?

 

[Freedom Believer]

I've lost all my happiness, hobbies, and pretty much everything about me because my Dad is force molding me to be the perfect son after he failed with my older sibling. Now I'm just a walking body of skin and bones that puts on a mask of happiness but wants nothing more than to have the pain, stress, expectations end. I just want all of it to stop.

 

[purplemoon]

I've lost all my happiness, hobbies, and pretty much everything about me because my Dad is force molding me to be the perfect son after he failed with my older sibling. Now I'm just a walking body of skin and bones that puts on a mask of happiness but wants nothing more than to have the pain, stress, expectations end. I just want all of it to stop.

It's like what about your happiness? I know that a lot of parents are determined to make you the way they want you to be, instead of just accepting you as you are?

Imo, it's one thing if they are trying to help you not make their mistakes, but a whole different ballgame if the pressure is relentless or if it makes you miserable...

I guess it's obvious now to everyone I'm into music and poetry to Express feelings and thoughts... and I am grateful for all of you who are sharing your feelings as well.

this video is a bit R rated in a couple of places, but overall since we are sharing feelings about CTB...

I am HAPPY about CTB... I look forward to it... as Relief... Plus the whole dynamic in this song is about being bold and emphatic, even ENTHUSIASTIC about LEAVING this World... for me anyway, FLYING AWAY sounds GOOD...

I just don't feel any more attachments here in this world, even though I love my sister & mother, the only 2 remaining good souls from my family... but I have done all I can to show them I love them. I cannot stay even for them, as I cannot have my soul continue to suffer like this anymore.

So here you go, one more song for tonight anyway... I love the way he just sings the depth of that Wish...

 

[strawberrygirl]

It's like what about your happiness? I know that a lot of parents are determined to make you the way they want you to be, instead of just accepting you as you are?

Imo, it's one thing if they are trying to help you not make their mistakes, but a whole different ballgame if the pressure is relentless or if it makes you miserable...

I guess it's obvious now to everyone I'm into music and poetry to Express feelings and thoughts... and I am grateful for all of you who are sharing your feelings as well.

this video is a bit R rated in a couple of places, but overall since we are sharing feelings about CTB...

I am HAPPY about CTB... I look forward to it... as Relief... Plus the whole dynamic in this song is about being bold and emphatic, even ENTHUSIASTIC about LEAVING this World... for me anyway, FLYING AWAY sounds GOOD...

I just don't feel any more attachments here in this world, even though I love my sister & mother, the only 2 remaining good souls from my family... but I have done all I can to show them I love them. I cannot stay even for them, as I cannot have my soul continue to suffer like this anymore.

So here you go, one more song for tonight anyway... I love the way he just sings the depth of that Wish...

I admire the way you are true to yourself and know what you really want and would set you at peace...

I knew for a long time that I didn't belong. Suicide was always a thought but it felt forbidden to me. "Be positive! Your family would always be there for you! You're truly blessed. Things can only get better..." Everyone I know irl says that when i post something slightly depressing online.(i hardly speak irl"

I vented my frustrations and helplessness on toxic relationships and being toxic to people as well.. people were only there for me when my arms are full of scars..

I am still at a stage where i sacrifice much of my happiness and self so my parents would not be blamed of not raising me well.. so that my boyfriend would not be accused of being a bad partner.. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

 

[purplemoon]

I admire the way you are true to yourself and know what you really want and would set you at peace...

I knew for a long time that I didn't belong. Suicide was always a thought but it felt forbidden to me. "Be positive! Your family would always be there for you! You're truly blessed. Things can only get better..." Everyone I know irl says that when i post something slightly depressing online.(i hardly speak irl"

I vented my frustrations and helplessness on toxic relationships and being toxic to people as well.. people were only there for me when my arms are full of scars..

I am still at a stage where i sacrifice much of my happiness and self so my parents would not be blamed of not raising me well.. so that my boyfriend would not be accused of being a bad partner.. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Exactly.
Isn't it amazing how so many people will throw out these quick clichés or theories, like "just think positive!", as you mentioned.

As if people's circumstances, and their cumulative life experiences that are impacting them, can just be so easily winked away with willpower, or just clapping your hands and "deciding".

Oh sure, let's just blink twice, put on a smile, and just be "grateful that it's not worse"... ?!

 

[BabyYoda]

Best summarized in this one sentence:

I can't take the pain anymore

 

[HereToday]

I have many reasons, but they mostly come down to one fundamental thing I'm lacking: love.
Never had any parental love as a child, only abuse.
Never loved myself.
The person I was fully convinced was my soulmate, used and abused me, and didn't truly love me.
Lack of love is the silent killer. I gave and gave and never received. Now I have nothing left to give.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

I have many reasons, but they mostly come down to one fundamental thing I'm lacking: love.
Never had any parental love as a child, only abuse.
Never loved myself.
The person I was fully convinced was my soulmate, used and abused me, and didn't truly love me.
Lack of love is the silent killer. I gave and gave and never received. Now I have nothing left to give.

I feel similarly.

Friends and family are still trying to draw from my exhausted reservoirs - i would just like the serenity of eternal sleep.

 

[hershberger]

I had good parents (well, a good mom, at least), and I was gifted with a pretty good brain. Undergrad in Journalism, Masters in Accounting. I had a good job, a wife and kids, and now...well, my wife has kicked me out of the house, I haven't worked in nine months, and it seems as if my brain is almost trying to sabotage me. I have fought for years: changed prescriptions, read self-help books, tried meditation, and yet this brain doesn't work right. It's as if it wants me to fail. So, if I go, I'll shut this stupid brain off and relegate it to the ash heap of history.

 

[2manyproblems]

I have no control over my life and no way to get it. No hope for financial independence. Trauma.

 

[Suiaimz]

I don't even know sometimes why I walk down this path. All I can remember is somewhere along life, I got really hung up about how meaningless life is. The betrayal And rejections I faced when I was very young, and the slightly chaotic parents I had sure didn't help. Although, my parents have gotten better over the years maybe because I'm already past 21, it doesn't offset the childhood experience I had With them, and although I tell myself that it was so Long ago and I have it in check, I've never gotten pass being that awkward weird person that lacks any social interaction skills.

 

[mesohappy]

Im just tired..I don't want to work for someone else,dont want to eat,dont want to put on a happy face.I don't want to wear fancy clothes.I don't want to pretend I like you or that im your friend..I wish for death..And it will probably be found soon.

 

[NotMeant2B]

I don't love life at all, I'm not strong enough and I'm alone. There's no need for me to stay if I'm not going to enjoy life, it's just pointless.

 

[OneBigBlur]

There are a lot of reasons but the biggest one is loneliness and a lack of love. Nobody has ever cared about me in any meaningful way and I'm tired of being alone. The only thing I have of value is who I am internally and the profound goodness inside of me which means nothing to anyone.

I can't function within the confines of society because of my trauma symptoms so I can either die on the street or continue living with a narcissist and a pedophile. I'm sick of the constant fatigue, the ringing in my ears, the chronic depersonalization, and the sharp pains all over my body from fibromyalgia. I've never been happy in my entire life and the only thing I ever wanted was to spend the rest of my life with someone I love but I know that isn't possible in a world that values materialism and shallowness.

There is nothing for me here, there never has been. People don't really care in this world if it isn't affecting them or if they haven't been through something similar. I'm sick of these people who take their lives for granted and believe that life is a fairy tale. I've struggled my entire life and gotten nowhere because nobody really cares. I'm tired and I deserve much better than a lifetime full of abuse and neglect in this ugly place.

I hope that there is something good on the other side where I'm healthy and the only things that matter are other people

These lyrics sum it up pretty well:

"You say you're not gonna fight
'Cause no one will fight for you
And you think there's not enough love
And no one to give it to
And you're sure you've hurt for so long
You've got nothing left to lose

So you say you're not gonna fight
'Cause no one will fight for you
You say the weight of the world
Has kept you from letting go
And you think compassion's a flaw
And you'll never let it show
And you're sure you've hurt in a way
That no one will ever know"