Discussion What are your reasons for ctb?

[przeciwwymiotne]

I'm doing it because I'm out of options. Death would come to me any way, I don't take care of myself. I'm also ashamed of the person I've become and don't see a purpose for myself here. So pretty standard stuff I guess. Wbu?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Born as a male and not a female. I refuse to transition and every waking moment is filled with me being envious of the opposite sex. I cannot escape my triggers be it irl, online, tv, etc and my favorite genre of music even makes me extremely dysphoric. I can't even enjoy it anymore. I am void of the desire to have a romantic relationship, too so that wouldn't even save me at this point.

 

[Why Me?]

0I'm doing it because I'm out of options. Death would come to me any way, I don't take care of myself. I'm also ashamed of the person I've become and don't see a purpose for myself here. So pretty standard stuff I guess. Wbu?

I was destroyed by a psycho mother, I was surrounded by enemy energy instead of a family, and my autism plus medical problems made things worse. Things got extremely worse over the years, I never recovered, or truly got free from this psycho woman who I now need to receive money from to survive. No one cares how a 41 year old's life was ruined, and her complex disabilities. Everything is destroyed (body, mind, abilities), and circumstance is a form of hell. I can barely move from depression, and I'm attacked by PTSD everyday. I've been miserable since I was around 10. This is the short story.

 

[PleaseTakeMeAway]

I'm so miserable. My boyfriend was the only thing in the world that ever made me happy, and he's gone now. I really wanted to be with him forever and ever, it just hurts so much.

I don't really have any other option. After everything, he was the only thing in my life that could make me want to live. It's driven me crazy, I just get upset at the littlest things anymore, I just want to scream because everything reminds me of him. Sigh, all I do is just lay in bed and cry.

I know it sounds silly, but I really wanted to die before I met him. I was ready to go, but I met him and for once, I felt so happy. I wanted to do everything with him, I actually wanted to live. But he's gone now, and I really have just given up.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life itself is enough of a reason to make me want to die. Basically, I don't see life to be worth living in every single way. I see no point to enduring life when instead I could be peacefully not existing. There is absolutely nothing here for me in this world and I simply prefer the sound of non existence. Suicide makes sense for me, it's the rational solution as if I stay alive things will just get worse and I will suffer more. Life is just unnecessary pain, suffering and agony and there are an unlimited amount of things that are wrong with this world.

 

[iltloml]

Lost the love of my life. She's was the only one worth living and now that she's is no longer in my life I don't see a purpose here. Waking up everyday is completely useless

 

[abyss]

Undiagnosed mental problems stemming from poor childhood, incurable disease, other unfixable problem to do with my appearance.

 

[paredler]

School and work destroyed me mentally. I no longer have the physical and mental resources needed to keep going. Even staying home isn't much of a rest for me, because I have a never ending list of chores to do. Things got worse after my second attempt to ctb. I overdosed with medication and it caused something to my body. I suffer from two bulging discs and a problem in my eyes.

 

[DarknessAtNoon]

Basically awful parenting caused a string of serious physical/psychological issues that have only worsened with age. The straw that broke the camels back was when a dentist completely ruined my teeth a few years ago, causing me to be in continuous pain since that time.

 

[brokensea]

A constant life of abuse and abandonment since I was a child. Rape, forced abortion, locked in a closet, stuff thrown at me, poverty, friend accidently burned everything I owned to the ground, physical abuse, mental abuse, a boyfriend hung himself in my bathroom and I found him, horror story after horror story, everyone I've ever loved leaving me.

Through it all I hoped someday to have a family of my own that loved me and a normal life. I kept living and struggling for that day life would be different. It kept me going.

I didn't want a child with my horrible exes and to put a child through that so I decided to have a child on my own. I had a friend I'd known for two years who said he'd help me have the baby and we fell in love. All my dreams were finally coming true. I felt my heart again and so happy but he led me on, changed his mind and abandoned me. Left me for another woman after professing his undying love for me. I tried to jump off a cliff. It was getting too dark by the time I got up there and I was worried I wouldn't jump correctly and be out there for days injured and die horribly. The next day I said goodbye to the guy and went to jump off a building but he said he'd kill himself if I did and starting giving away his money to charities and sending me receipts. I felt forced to be here. A few weeks ago he finally got rid of me cause he couldn't take my depression and blaming him for ruining my life which he did and how I'd never forgive him and he can't move on with his I guess happy life now with me being such a drag. So now I feel clear to die.

At my age I only have a 1-3 percent chance to have a child now. I will be 44 soon and have almost no chance. All the dreams of my life have been crushed forever because I opened my heart and loved someone again and trusted someone. He said and did such painful, cruel things to me and knew this was my last year to have a child but played with me wouldn't help me some months then begged me back. I loved him and wanted my dream life and I was a fool.

So I have nothing and no one. I moved away before this happened and none of my friends I knew for so long visited me. No one cares. I haven't left my house hardly in almost two years. I have gained 70 pounds since I order food and can't cook and work at home or just eat microwave dinners cause I have no energy to do anything.

So I do want to die. A lot. I will never have a family. Never know what it's like to be a mother and be loved and have my own child and be with people who love you. To have holidays together and dinners and homework and normal things people do. I never had that and I never will. My one dream I had. So I should have just died long ago. I'm just trying to get up the courage because I just am afraid. For some reason just afraid there's no escape and I could just die and be trapped in a nightmare. I also feel guilt for hurting the couple people who may be sad even though I rarely see anyone anymore.

So I just hope every day to have the strength to finally die. I wish I had done it already and hate that I haven't. That I'm so weak and scared of what's beyond.

 

[Idontmatter]

Treatment resistant depression and anxiety

 

[Little T]

Money, no family, failing health, too old to hire.
I promised I wouldn't would leave before my mate, but now they are gone.
...not even sure if I will make it to my ctb date.
I am a realist. No pity party. Those in my Will will benefit. Paying it forward <3

I was destroyed by a psycho mother, I was surrounded by enemy energy instead of a family, and my autism plus medical problems made things worse. Things got extremely worse over the years, I never recovered, or truly got free from this psycho woman who I now need to receive money from to survive. No one cares how a 41 year old's life was ruined, and her complex disabilities. Everything is destroyed (body, mind, abilities), and circumstance is a form of hell. I can barely move from depression, and I'm attacked by PTSD everyday. I've been miserable since I was around 10. This is the short story.

I can't relate to the rest of your story, but I do remember becoming sad at 5 years old and suicidal at 13.

Lost the love of my life. She's was the only one worth living and now that she's is no longer in my life I don't see a purpose here. Waking up everyday is completely useless

Ditto!

 

[broken_songbird]

Everything hurts all the time. I don't fit anywhere. Since 2019 I've been fired from or strongly encouraged to quit nearly 3 dozen jobs and volunteer gigs. Clearly I'm the problem. People hate me everywhere I go. But it's hard to understand because I left the university in 2017 after an exactly opposite experience. For seven years I was successful and loved by many. I was asked to be an adjunct professor as an undergrad. I published first author research at a prestigious school. I received so many scholarships, fellowships and honors I became embarrassed and stopped telling people. When my social status took that away, I found success as an outdoor educator for the next two years. It was incredibly rewarding, though I continued to see important friends and assets fall away from my life. But you'd think to go from that to being a literal piece of human garbage would require some serious foul play on my part. Life dealt some serious blows and I've just never been able to catch up. I've become hyper-aware, hyper-vigilant, downright paranoid at times. Because so much weird, awful shit has happened to me and I have literally zero support - literally. no. one. So I'm well aware that if something awful and weird CAN happen, it probably WILL. And this stuff is so effing weird that the law isn't on my side, even if it should be. Even with irrefutable evidence.

The gratitude I feel for the beauty I've experienced runs deep. I've worked hard and been incredibly fortunate. I've been loved by someone spectacular. I've seen miracles and traveled. I've shared stages with brilliant speakers and performers. Starred in my favorite musical. I've experienced life through many varied sets of moccasins. Lost 150 pounds after lifetime obesity. I've been every character in The Breakfast Club. Fell in love with a Belgian boy on a train. Got to be the mother of the most lovely human being I've ever met. I peaked at 35, which is pretty cool. My life has been abundant. As has my grief. Watching everything cruelly stripped away has made me old. My body and my mind are both failing. I was supposed to ctb on the 8th. I had everything I needed and was tying up what felt like loose ends. I even bought a pack of cigarettes after a decade; I always said I'd start back up at 80 but given the circumstances, I figured I might as well treat myself at 42. Anyways, I left myself vulnerable to having my plan derailed and let someone change my trajectory. I was pissed off as soon as I realized. Now there's this whole process of building up the courage again. Now I'm a ghost. Wandering aimlessly. Sleeping all day. Nothing to really do. Nowhere to be. Everything hurts all the time.

 

[Little T]

Money, no family, failing health, too old to hire.
I promised I wouldn't would leave before my mate, but now they are gone.
...not even sure if I will make it to my ctb date.
I am a realist. No pity party. Those in my Will will benefit. Paying it forward <3

I can't relate to the rest of your story, but I do remember becoming sad at 5 years old and suicidal at 13.

Ditto!

Thanks but no thanks on the "Aww" emoji. Just appears that I am looking for sympathy. I have lived my life on my terms and seek to end it the same.
I truly do wish all on this site PEACE wherever you may find it.

Everything hurts all the time. I don't fit anywhere. Since 2019 I've been fired from or strongly encouraged to quit nearly 3 dozen jobs and volunteer gigs. Clearly I'm the problem. People hate me everywhere I go. But it's hard to understand because I left the university in 2017 after an exactly opposite experience. For seven years I was successful and loved by many. I was asked to be an adjunct professor as an undergrad. I published first author research at a prestigious school. I received so many scholarships, fellowships and honors I became embarrassed and stopped telling people. When my social status took that away, I found success as an outdoor educator for the next two years. It was incredibly rewarding, though I continued to see important friends and assets fall away from my life. But you'd think to go from that to being a literal piece of human garbage would require some serious foul play on my part. Life dealt some serious blows and I've just never been able to catch up. I've become hyper-aware, hyper-vigilant, downright paranoid at times. Because so much weird, awful shit has happened to me and I have literally zero support - literally. no. one. So I'm well aware that if something awful and weird CAN happen, it probably WILL. And this stuff is so effing weird that the law isn't on my side, even if it should be. Even with irrefutable evidence. My body and my mind are both failing. I was supposed to ctb on the 8th. I had everything I needed and was tying up what felt like loose ends. I even bought a pack of cigarettes after a decade; I always said I'd start back up at 80 but given the circumstances, I figured I might as well treat myself at 42. Anyways, I left myself vulnerable to having my plan derailed and let someone change my trajectory. I was pissed off as soon as I realized. Now there's this whole process of building up the courage again. Now I'm a ghost. Wandering aimlessly. Sleeping all day. Nothing to really do. Nowhere to be. Everything hurts all the time.

I totally get being a "ghost". It's as if I am on auto pilot, wake, turn coffee pot on, bathroom, let dog out, drink some coffee, feed dog, maybe shower/brush teeth, walk dog in yard, ready for nap.

 

[iiiinfinityyyy]

Nihilism, boredom, social anxiety, social ineptitude, hypochondria... the list could go on forever but those are the big ones. I am 20 and still live with my parents. I don't want to leave the nest. I don't want to live long enough to see the day when my cat gets old and dies. I don't have the energy or the patience for real life, and I find that the rewards are not worth the effort. Like, I have to put so much effort to have even a half-decent life? No thanks. Shit, even if I won the lottery, I'd probably still CTB at some point.

 

[Little T]

Nihilism, boredom, social anxiety, social ineptitude, hypochondria... the list could go on forever but those are the big ones. I am 20 and still live with my parents. I don't want to leave the nest. I don't want to live long enough to see the day when my cat gets old and dies. I don't have the energy or the patience for real life, and I find that the rewards are not worth the effort. Like, I have to put so much effort to have even a half-decent life? No thanks. Shit, even if I won the lottery, I'd probably still CTB at some point.

...even if I won the lottery I would still ctb. Life without family is worthless.

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

Nihilism, boredom, social anxiety, social ineptitude, hypochondria... the list could go on forever but those are the big ones. I am 20 and still live with my parents. I don't want to leave the nest. I don't want to live long enough to see the day when my cat gets old and dies. I don't have the energy or the patience for real life, and I find that the rewards are not worth the effort. Like, I have to put so much effort to have even a half-decent life? No thanks. Shit, even if I won the lottery, I'd probably still CTB at some point.

I get u

 

[broken_songbird]

A constant life of abuse and abandonment since I was a child. Rape, forced abortion, locked in a closet, stuff thrown at me, poverty, friend accidently burned everything I owned to the ground, physical abuse, mental abuse, a boyfriend hung himself in my bathroom and I found him, horror story after horror story, everyone I've ever loved leaving me.

Through it all I hoped someday to have a family of my own that loved me and a normal life. I kept living and struggling for that day life would be different. It kept me going.

I didn't want a child with my horrible exes and to put a child through that so I decided to have a child on my own. I had a friend I'd known for two years who said he'd help me have the baby and we fell in love. All my dreams were finally coming true. I felt my heart again and so happy but he led me on, changed his mind and abandoned me. Left me for another woman after professing his undying love for me. I tried to jump off a cliff. It was getting too dark by the time I got up there and I was worried I wouldn't jump correctly and be out there for days injured and die horribly. The next day I said goodbye to the guy and went to jump off a building but he said he'd kill himself if I did and starting giving away his money to charities and sending me receipts. I felt forced to be here. A few weeks ago he finally got rid of me cause he couldn't take my depression and blaming him for ruining my life which he did and how I'd never forgive him and he can't move on with his I guess happy life now with me being such a drag. So now I feel clear to die.

At my age I only have a 1-3 percent chance to have a child now. I will be 44 soon and have almost no chance. All the dreams of my life have been crushed forever because I opened my heart and loved someone again and trusted someone. He said and did such painful, cruel things to me and knew this was my last year to have a child but played with me wouldn't help me some months then begged me back. I loved him and wanted my dream life and I was a fool.

So I have nothing and no one. I moved away before this happened and none of my friends I knew for so long visited me. No one cares. I haven't left my house hardly in almost two years. I have gained 70 pounds since I order food and can't cook and work at home or just eat microwave dinners cause I have no energy to do anything.

So I do want to die. A lot. I will never have a family. Never know what it's like to be a mother and be loved and have my own child and be with people who love you. To have holidays together and dinners and homework and normal things people do. I never had that and I never will. My one dream I had. So I should have just died long ago. I'm just trying to get up the courage because I just am afraid. For some reason just afraid there's no escape and I could just die and be trapped in a nightmare. I also feel guilt for hurting the couple people who may be sad even though I rarely see anyone anymore.

So I just hope every day to have the strength to finally die. I wish I had done it already and hate that I haven't. That I'm so weak and scared of what's beyond.

Did we get scammed by the same guy? My ex was like this and I'm SO SORRY you've been through something similar. He had me convinced he was the cure, even though he always created the problems. Then he made it look like everything he did to me, I had actually done to him. It's cutthroat out here. He had this beautiful face. It was like I was under a spell or something. He was a vampire; he wouldn't be satisfied till he had bled me dry of everything: friends, reputation, money, self-respect, anything he thought he could use. He made me forget who I was. And like you, I wasted my last good child-bearing years on him. Guess I wanted to gestate that pretty face of his. Ultimately thankful I didn't.

 

[broken_songbird]

...even if I won the lottery I would still ctb. Life without family is worthless.

Same.

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

...even if I won the lottery I would still ctb. Life without family is worthless.

Yeah I'd still ctb too, after spending the money probably

 

[broken_songbird]

Same.

If you did win the lottery and still planned to ctb.....what would you do with the money? Let's say $1,000,000 and one week til ctb.....

Yeah I'd still ctb too, after spending the money probably

 

[gogg]

im ugly.

 

[Givenuponlife]

School and work destroyed me mentally. I no longer have the physical and mental resources needed to keep going. Even staying home isn't much of a rest for me, because I have a never ending list of chores to do. Things got worse after my second attempt to ctb. I overdosed with medication and it caused something to my body. I suffer from two bulging discs and a problem in my eyes.

I'm in a similar boat. Although I finally realised why I never quite managed to acheive what I was (maybe, because I have incredibly high standards) capable of, it was far too late to make much of a difference regarding academics in the end :( .

 

[uglylonely]

I'm ugly, therefore everyone hates me, I have no friends, no partner, no one in my life at all and that can't change. It doesn't help that my personality type makes living alone unbearable

 

[broken_songbird]

Thanks but no thanks on the "Aww" emoji. Just appears that I am looking for sympathy. I have lived my life on my terms and seek to end it the same.
I truly do wish all on this site PEACE wherever you may find it.

I totally get being a "ghost". It's as if I am on auto pilot, wake, turn coffee pot on, bathroom, let dog out, drink some coffee, feed dog, maybe shower/brush teeth, walk dog in yard, ready for nap.

Same. My own terms. And absolutely. Living for the meaningless routine that only exists to keep me alive.

I'm ugly, therefore everyone hates me, I have no friends, no partner, no one in my life at all and that can't change. It doesn't help that my personality type makes living alone unbearable

I was fat for a long time. It's incredible how our society values looks SO much (I mean, looks equate to money) and is still convinced that beauty is on the inside. Being fat and not being fat has been like moving to another planet. But I think folks liked me more when I was fat because I wasn't perceived as a threat, but could still be held at a distance. I don't know if you're ugly, but I know that ugliness is cast upon us by those around us. I know it's awful. And I'm so sorry you're experiencing that.

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

If you did win the lottery and still planned to ctb.....what would you do with the money? Let's say $1,000,000 and one week til ctb.....

Throw a party somewhere abroad, bungee jump, give the rest to my parents for supporting my for so long

 

[brokensea]

Did we get scammed by the same guy? My ex was like this and I'm SO SORRY you've been through something similar. He had me convinced he was the cure, even though he always created the problems. Then he made it look like everything he did to me, I had actually done to him. It's cutthroat out here. He had this beautiful face. It was like I was under a spell or something. He was a vampire; he wouldn't be satisfied till he had bled me dry of everything: friends, reputation, money, self-respect, anything he thought he could use. He made me forget who I was. And like you, I wasted my last good child-bearing years on him. Guess I wanted to gestate that pretty face of his. Ultimately thankful I didn't.

Yes, he broke every promise to me he ever made but he was always a victim. I was somehow the wrong one for being upset with him for the vile person he was. Just endless mind games you can't win when you're dealing with someone without a conscience like you. The world just gets turned upside down. Words of love are meaningless and cost you so much because you wanted to believe them. Even your life for someone's brief amusement. People pretend to be someone they're not. Say things they don't mean. Destroy someone's dreams, happiness, life. For what purpose I'll never make sense of it.

 

[Jupit3rs]

Existence is torture: if you open your eyes and see reality for what it is, you will never be at peace knowing this fact. I'm exhausted and i wanna go home, my real home, i don't believe i'm from here. Also, University makes me want to die daily, and when i'm not there, I become an empty shell of myself... Theres no way out.

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

Same. My own terms. And absolutely. Living for the meaningless routine that only exists to keep me alive.

I was fat for a long time. It's incredible how our society values looks SO much (I mean, looks equate to money) and is still convinced that beauty is on the inside. Being fat and not being fat has been like moving to another planet. But I think folks liked me more when I was fat because I wasn't perceived as a threat, but could still be held at a distance. I don't know if you're ugly, but I know that ugliness is cast upon us by those around us. I know it's awful. And I'm so sorry you're experiencing that.

Existence is torture: if you open your eyes and see reality for what it is, you will never be at peace knowing this fact. I'm exhausted and i wanna go home, my real home, i don't believe i'm from here. Also, University makes me want to die daily, and when i'm not there, I become an empty shell of myself... Theres no way out.

There truly is no way out

 

[Install-Gentoo]

Reading other people's reasons on here and other threads makes me feel weak.
I have never been good socially and you can tell because many of my posts do not read well and are confusing. I failed college. After starting college I got a drawing tablet and thought I could start that as a hobby, but soon I realized I have zero talent, and it's useless to try when you spend 2 years of hard work and don't even reach what's considered "basic beginner" skills. Better to start at 6 years old, whoops how could I know?
But I failed college from depression and have no real options. Drawing made me happy until I realized it didn't, and it's all I wish I could do.

It's a weak reason but it's mine. I haven't been physically abused and don't have PTSD or bipolar or other stuff people here struggle with but I still want to suicide.