What are your "core memories"?

[247sadgirlhours]

hi everyone. i was re-watching Inside Out last night and it got me thinking about what I consider to be my "core memories." for those who haven't seen the movie, "core memories" are the memories in which your personality is shaped around. what memories have defined you, changed how you think, changed how you lived? i want to know!

for me: i actually recently developed a "core memory". it was last Thanksgiving (Nov. 2022). my family is extremely religious and likes to gather with other religious friends/family for holidays. so we were sitting in a circle, about 25+ people who i grew up around. we were going in a circle talking about what we were thankful for. my mom and dad are sitting next to each other, near the end of circle. when it comes to my dad, he starts tearing up about how proud he is of my brother. how proud he is of his accomplishments. how proud he is that my brother is married how *thankful* he is that my brother went to school and got a degree (i am literally a student, just 4 yrs younger than my brother lol). my dad doesn't mention me once. he's just fucking crying because he's so proud of my brother. never mentions me. i could feel the whole fucking room looking at me, judging me. it would have hurt less if he had just slapped me honestly. it was like the blue/sad memory ball rolled out and immediately formed it's own "core memory" island. i don't know why i was surprised - my parents always loved my brother more than me, i guess it just stung to hear it in front of so many other people. when i ctb, i know i will not leave my family a note.

anyway, that's mine! i would love to hear yours, and how they have shaped your life.

 

[toperish]

I think one of mine would be back in 2013, when I failed my entrance exam for this one university and then my dad told me that I never did anything right and something along the lines of never amounting to anything. It really destroyed me in ways I cannot explain. I never liked him as a parent but I think that time was just waaay beyond the line. Since then, that's been my mindset and how I saw myself. Whenever I doubt myself (which is always), his words would always echo in my head.

 

[parader]

i hardly ever cry and i also have memory issues, when i recalled this one i cried so much that i think it counts as a core memory

i was really really young (like maybe 4/5 y/o) i was dressed on a jeans skirt that i loved SO SO much, feeling great and having the time of my life on a friend's birthday party, i went to the trampoline and didn't mind the skirt one bit, i was so innocent and was just having too much fun. my mom took me back home, slapped me, yelled at me for going to a trampoline using a skirt and showing my undies to everyone, said that if i wasn't mature enough to behave in a skirt then i shouldn't have it. then she took some scissors and cut that very skirt that i loved so much into pieces in front of me. what makes me so upset is that i didn't even know that i did something wrong while doing it, she knew better, i was a child. the party was on the same building we lived in, she could just take me home for 5min, ask me to change the skirt, explain why it was important not to wear it on a trampoline and go back to the party. why hurt me so much for being a child who doesn't know any better.

this was one incident only but there were other ones, today i have a very complicated relationship with my mom, i love her so much, i idolize her and yet she scares the shit out of me even when she's being nice. i'm on constant alert when around her, highly anxious and desperate not to make her angry in any way.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. That's such a sad memory- and so utterly heartless of your Dad to do that in front of you.

The worst memory that shaped me was having dinner with some friends of friends. To put it into context- my Mum died when I was 3 of cancer. That much I knew... I was quite old by this point- probably in my twenties. Anyhow- these friends of friends let it slip that by the time the cancer was diagnosed, my Mum put off having chemo because by then, she was pregnant with me. It was devastating. I felt like she would have survived if only she had gone ahead with the treatment. I was unhappy even then- so I hated the idea that someone who loved life would die for me- when I hate it.

It was years before I talked about it with my Dad and he told me it wasn't even true. That it was actually too late by then anyway. The chemo would have prologed her life for a few months but wouldn't have saved her. I still don't really know whether that's true or whether my Dad is just trying to spare my feelings. Regardless- I know it was their choice. Still- in my head- it's still the same really- she died and I lived.

 

[247sadgirlhours]

Probably the first few months at a new school. I had to change schools when I was around 13 and at the new one I had no friends and I was invisible. I dropped out because it was horrible being there. I don't remember much about it as I have tried to forget but that was when my views of the world began to change.

it's kind of incredible how significant early memories can be - that they shape our entire world view just like that. we don't even having to remember the memories specifically - we can just remember how it feels so well. thank you for sharing.

I think one of mine would be back in 2013, when I failed my entrance exam for this one university and then my dad told me that I never did anything right and something along the lines of never amounting to anything. It really destroyed me in ways I cannot explain. I never liked him as a parent but I think that time was just waaay beyond the line. Since then, that's been my mindset and how I saw myself. Whenever I doubt myself (which is always), his words would always echo in my head.

i can definitely relate to this. i don't like my parents very much, but their opinion still matters so much to me. i hear my core memory echo around my head all the time too. that's horrible that he said those things to you. hopefully one day we will be able to mute our parent's voices. thank you for sharing.

i hardly ever cry and i also have memory issues, when i recalled this one i cried so much that i think it counts as a core memory

i was really really young (like maybe 4/5 y/o) i was dressed on a jeans skirt that i loved SO SO much, feeling great and having the time of my life on a friend's birthday party, i went to the trampoline and didn't mind the skirt one bit, i was so innocent and was just having too much fun. my mom took me back home, slapped me, yelled at me for going to a trampoline using a skirt and showing my undies to everyone, said that if i wasn't mature enough to behave in a skirt then i shouldn't have it. then she took some scissors and cut that very skirt that i loved so much into pieces in front of me. what makes me so upset is that i didn't even know that i did something wrong while doing it, she knew better, i was a child. the party was on the same building we lived in, she could just take me home for 5min, ask me to change the skirt, explain why it was important not to wear it on a trampoline and go back to the party. why hurt me so much for being a child who doesn't know any better.

this was one incident only but there were other ones, today i have a very complicated relationship with my mom, i love her so much, i idolize her and yet she scares the shit out of me even when she's being nice. i'm on constant alert when around her, highly anxious and desperate not to make her angry in any way.

oh wow, i can see why that memory cuts deep. those early, formative years are so significant to our development too. i can definitely relate - my parents often punished me without telling me why something was wrong. it really does make me wonder how people can be so cruel to their children. i can definitely relate to the complicated relationship as well. it can be such a struggle to sort out feelings. thank you for sharing.

I'm so sorry. That's such a sad memory- and so utterly heartless of your Dad to do that in front of you.

The worst memory that shaped me was having dinner with some friends of friends. To put it into context- my Mum died when I was 3 of cancer. That much I knew... I was quite old by this point- probably in my twenties. Anyhow- these friends of friends let it slip that by the time the cancer was diagnosed, my Mum put off having chemo because by then, she was pregnant with me. It was devastating. I felt like she would have survived if only she had gone ahead with the treatment. I was unhappy even then- so I hated the idea that someone who loved life would die for me- when I hate it.

It was years before I talked about it with my Dad and he told me it wasn't even true. That it was actually too late by then anyway. The chemo would have prologed her life for a few months but wouldn't have saved her. I still don't really know whether that's true or whether my Dad is just trying to spare my feelings. Regardless- I know it was their choice. Still- in my head- it's still the same really- she died and I lived.

that is incredibly heavy to have to live with, i'm sorry. i can't imagine the years of struggle and questioning that you have lived through, and still live through. i am not sure what else to say, but genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, i hope you can find some form of peace with this. thank you for sharing.

 

[Suicidе]

My first day in Pre-K was my first memory, I think I was crying and banging on the window wanting to return to my mother, might have been someone else.

I remember being tormented and harassed in middle school by other assholes.

I remember being briefly suspended from school and almost being forced into a psychiatric hospital because I went into tears afters being told to remove my hoodie multiple times because I was too afraid to show how oily and disgusting my hair had become in front of lots of people. Her raised tone of voice made it worse.

I remember lots of verbal and emotional "punishment" by my father for "misbehaving" and failing to reach satisfactory school grades in elementary.

I remember avoiding the cafeteria during lunch since sixth grade because being around so many people would make me extremely nervous. I also tried to force myself into friend groups.

I remember the day my father beat my sister for self harming while listening nervously in my room being unable to do anything.

I remember not noticing I had been hit on the head with a basketball because I was deep in thought until I was asked if I was alright.

The day I fucked up my life even more by ODing on OTC drugs and ended up in a hospital.

Can't remember all the "pets" that ran away, they did not like living in a fucking parasitic shithole and most definitely suffered more in the end, in nature, after desperately escaping their source of stress. I remember the boiling rage I felt when I returned home and checked the cockatiel's cage outside only to see it gone because of my grandmothers fucking negligence. I felt like killing her. She practically caused it torture.

Lots of fear, confusion, and crying and feelings of "worthlessness" at the slightest sense of disapproval by others since 3rd-4th grade, stopped a year ago.

1/6/21, the day I first tested being hanging myself with a laptop charger cord. Tied one end into a ball and put it over the other side of the door and shut it then tied the other into a slip knot and hung. I can remember fantisizing about sneaking into the school early in the morning and hanging myself from the 2nd floor railing. Jumping 50 feet from the school roof onto the concrete sidewalk aswell, hanging from the gym bleachers, and live-streaming my train/jumping suicide.
I was close to being dead in the 4 months after that, but fucked everything up and traumatized myself.

I remember abruptly abandoning the few online friends I made because I thought they hated me.

I remember wanting to jump from the 2nd floor because other students drove me insane. I knew i couldnt handle the stress and absolutely knew if it continued I would lose go insane even more.

so. many. awful fucking memories i can't even remember most of them. there is more abuse i csnt remember