What are you waiting for?

[CTB Fella]

Is there something you have to do, before you go?

Are you waiting to see if your life improves?

I make constant attempts, but the bastards keep bringing me back.

 

[The anhedonic one]

My narcissistic cunt bitch mother and utterly revolting paedophile Stepfather broke my brain, so getting better is not an option.
I am also homeless, so my life is fucked.
There is somebody I know who is also suicidal. I care very deeply about this person, and I think they will soon be leaving for a certain bus ride.
Once they are gone I shall soon follow.

 

[GreenTree]

Fear of failure and going back to psychiatric hospital. There pure hell.

 

[shadow_moses]

I know my life is most likely just gonna get worse and worse but I don't want to die. You could say I'm a coward who will just let anything happen to him and won't do anything about it but it's not my fault for being alive. I didn't choose this. My shitty parents did

 

[loopdaloop]

SI, distractions, daily obligations, fear of failure. I have everything I need to ctb hidden under my bed, but can't do it yet. Not rushing it.

 

[Dead Ghost]

To die without doing the CTB, I suppose...
//
A morir-me sense fer el CTB, suposo...

 

[Amaterasu]

I live for others rather than myself.
I'm kept here by the delusion that a certain someone will return - I just have yet to realise they won't be.

 

[forsaken_fallacy_12]

i'm honestly not sure how im still here, but in the past, i was motivated against ctb by wanting to finish my stories. too much time has passed for that to truly motivate me anymore. if anything, the fact that i can't get myself to complete a task as simple as finishing writing i started years ago is now a contributing factor to why i want to ctb, and it's not like i'm that good of a writer.

i've also previously been somewhat compelled to stay alive by wanting to achieve my goal of multilingualism. i'm currently self-teaching japanese and learning spanish in school, but i have wanted to learn languages like german, korean, chinese, portuguese, tamil, khmer, and french for a while as well. as the years have gone on and my desire to live dwindles even further, however, i can't even get myself to practice anymore, and i feel like i'll never reach fluency in even japanese, which i have been studying for so long. much like my previous statement, my seeming inability to attain even relative fluency is another contributing factor to my desire to kill myself.

as of now, though, i was genuinely on the verge of ctb the other day, but the only thing that's really keeping me from doing it is the fact that im in a musical and have a lead role. i don't want to ruin the production that all the other cast and crew members have been working on all this time, so i've been doing my best to pull through and give them what has ended up as an utterly sub-par production where my illness (a cold, i presume). today is our last show, so i can't guarantee my living after this day. hopefully i won't chicken out this time when i go to do it.

 

[FuneralCry]

The fact is that suicide just isn't straightforward in this world, it's the reality, you've written that you've been through lots of failed attempts so surely you should be aware of the fact that suicide isn't as easy as just choosing to be gone.

To me all the methods are either risky, inaccessible or just horrible/incredibly difficult to go through with, it's just the way that things are in this anti-suicide society where we are denied the right to a peaceful, dignified suicide, it's so replusive how suicide isn't accepted as a valid option despite the fact that it's perfectly rational wishing to be gone. I guess that after all, all that existing is, is just waiting around to die, existing is just a process of slowly dying where we are only destined for nothing, eventually everything will be forgotten about and lost to death.

 

[Bobert_Beniro]

I live in Ukraine and a patriot of my country. I want to wait for victory and see how the propagandists will be hanged in Red Square. And there's nothing holding me in this life...

 

[fatraccoon]

i know if im gone my mom would go insane. i would do irreversible damage to her and that makes me feel guilty.

 

[ayaneechan]

I know it's stupid, but one thing I want to do is to watch the last episode of Attack on Titan.

I not really know if I can actually improve my life or not, actually I'm more waiting.

 

[jazzcat]

my mom telling me she would follow suit if I killed myself used to be the thing stopping me, but it's been around 10 years of feeling like this and I'm too tired
I do feel awful, I think I'm selfish because I have a teenage brother and because my mom had a really hard life... I don't want to cause her more pain but being this miserable feels like torture, I really can't live for someone else
the compromise is I'll stick around one more year, I'm looking for a job, I'm trying to make friends... but if things are the same in december of this year, I'm really done and I'm choosing a method that's not going to fail

 

[StolenLife]

I have to finish University which might take five-ish years so that I can have a plan B if my ctb fails.

 

[WaitingAllMyLife]

I am the sole caregiver for my mom. When she goes, I will follow close behind.

 

[clockwork_cat]

i have a dumb brain that still hopes. i wish to murder every bit of it.

 

[Tears_From_Nirvana]

SI, the fear of failure and pain, and how it will destroy my loved ones when I do it. I'd like to go right now but it just isn't as easy as I'd like it to be

 

[AresCohere]

I'm waiting for a few things.

- for my SI to get weaker
- to see if my life gets better, or more likely, worse
- genuinely just curious how bad shit is gonna get at this point so ima just ride this wave until I am forced out

 

[leavingsoon99]

I know my life won't get better. I'm at the end of the road. I'm waiting for the end of the summer. I AM making art and eating at all of the places I never tried before. It seems like downtowns everywhere are dying or having a hard time recovering from the COVID-19 restrictions. So, I might as well while they're here and I'm here. I just don't like the world that's coming.

 

[scar]

i live bcuz i dont have a way out yet.
i already know my life wont get better so really its just that i dont have a good method yet. im already a failure so it would be embarrassing to fail at dying too.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

I don't know.

I just don't want to disappoint anyone anymore... including myself.

 

[FrostedHoax]

My parents already paid the tuition for this summer semester so I feel obligated to at least finish it out. Also, the gun has already been delivered to my chosen ffl dealer and is ready for pickup but I don't have the ammo or full confidence to pull the trigger yet.

 

[Kerock]

when im finally alone

 

[unnormal9]

Actually a good question.

Impulsivity to strike again. It's the only way for m e to actually die. With out it I will always be stuck in the suicide attempt phase.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

There are quite a few things that always stopped me for now, e.g. mum, my pets (birds) could die until someone finds me, things turn better which give hope to have finally reached the bottom and and it could only go up again from here.

There was a good chance for me lately, everything crushed over my head, nobody there for several days, but i drowned myself only in alc. because of some of the points mentioned above. Currently things look better right now. but for how long?

 

[savoytruffle]

it's kind of stupid but im waiting for my favorite tv shows to end so i get some closure. one already has, just waiting for the other. i think my time is ending, im running out of things to wait for or do, just a zombie walking around

 

[GreenTree]

I wanna see if Man City do the treble. Wanted to see if England 2ould won world cup before so probably won't attempt.

 

[blue_muse]

Good question! In a futile and naive way, I've taken steps to try and improve my life before deciding on CTB. Luckily I'm as free as a bird in knowing my death won't send many shockwaves; only among those whose entitlement to bully and degrade me is no longer available.

 

[leftdreaming]

My parents would be unable to recover, my father might even follow in my footsteps and someone needs to be there for my brother.

I'm not going to be able to hold out forever like this and I don't want to have to wait until they die. When I move out for college I'll take the opportunity to distance myself and then it's game over.

 

[Xta4Love]

Im going to spend time with my mum this weekend. After that Im ready to die. There is nothing holding me back. My story is long. Spend 20 years in therapy to no avail. I have multiple panic attacks on a day. And the heavy burden of depression not to mention terrible mood swings. Im DONE