Discussion What are the biggest sources of suicide-fuel for you?

[CrazyDiamond04]

Basically, what aspects of your life fuel your suicidal feelings the most? For me it would likely be general incompetence and seeing practically everyone else in life doing better than me. Media also fuels it from time to time.

 

[skies]

gender dysphoria & nothing excites me anymore

 

[CrazyDiamond04]

gender dysphoria & nothing excites me anymore

I'm sorry to hear that :( I get the non-excitement thing. It's almost impossible for me to get excited about things these days.

 

[vault]

Basically, what aspects of your life fuel your suicidal feelings the most?

i take things very personally (which i hate about myself) and so i get really worked up over things that arent true/serious. for example, whenever i see my friends doing things or hanging out with other people. or when someone has something i want. i hate how jealous i get but its not as simple as just saying to myself, "its not that serious". because in my head it really is.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

Existential nausea and cosmic lonliness

 

[Kundalini Guy]

Seeing people succeed while I have achieved nothing

 

[CrazyDiamond04]

Seeing people succeed while I have achieved nothing

Yup, I definitely relate. It's a terrible feeling.

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

• Loneliness
• I hate my country
• ADHD
• I have no hope for a happy life.
• Impulsiveness
• I feel excluded by society
• I feel like I don't fit in this world

 

[Dead_Mouse]

All the stupid things I do and say. All the lives I make worse because they feel like they have to act inclusive and act like they like me when they really don't. I don't think that anyone hates me as much as I do, but I bet most people don't like me.

 

[deadtomorrow]

Loss of pleasure.
I've fried my brain with medication + endless entertainment due to lack of people, experiences and interaction in my life.

 

[Pol]

bpd

 

[carnivalforone]

my own imperfections. i am genuinely revolting and i despise the genes that made me this way, thinking of my forced existence and my shitty situation (lack of family and guidance, loneliness)

 

[Fathom]

I simply feel unfit for this world. Nobody really understands me or cares about me. Why should I have to live in a place that doesn't give a shit about me?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

For me it's the fact that I've only ever been a burden to those around me and my life doesn't really seem to be headed anywhere. I haven't achieved anything outside of making life more difficult and miserable for those around me, whether they are aware of it or not. I've grown tired of existing and I think everyone around me has grown tired of my existence as well.

 

[Hollowman]

Not being able to bond with people.

 

[leloyon]

Envy, generally speaking. It's the one emotion that everything else chips into. I'm envious of girls for being born girls, I'm envious of everyone who looks better, I'm envious of everyone who lives in a better country, I'm envious of everyone with a better family, I'm envious of everyone who has a better life, I'm envious of everyone who knows what happiness feels like, I'm envious of everyone who isn't on-edge 24/7, I'm envious of everyone who can trust other people, I'm envious of everyone who can connect to other people, I'm envious of everyone who has a future worth living for, etc. etc.
See? All my mental illnesses, trauma, dysphoria, every insecurity and negative feeling, all my sadness, all my hatred for myself and others, all wrapped into one handy little emotion! It always leads back to envy. It's my core.

 

[mind3de]

Suffering from psychosis and having no hope to ever find a good job. Because of that I will always be poor. Always be excluded from any kind of fun in life.
Also due to my schizoid personality disorder I will always be alone.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

Essentially, no chance of living a normal or decent quality of life. I will never improve or get better, despite my best efforts. I'm attempting to improve, by sticking to my workout routine and avoiding alcohol, but I'm very aware that it's in vain. It's absolutely pointless. I try to sleep at night and feel only pain.

 

[CrazyDiamond04]

Essentially, no chance of living a normal or decent quality of life. I will never improve or get better, despite my best efforts. I'm attempting to improve, by sticking to my workout routine and avoiding alcohol, but I'm very aware that it's in vain. It's absolutely pointless. I try to sleep at night and feel only pain.

Jeez, you sound eerily like me.

 

[Arot]

When I was a child, my mother and my family in general always said I was destined to do great things. That I was smart, I was kind and bulls... like that. Well, I'm almost 27 yo and just recently got my first job. I have struggled so much to get one... almost 2 years searching for one while others just get one within a week. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I have to struggle so much to do things normal people do.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

Jeez, you sound eerily like me.

It's terrifyingly common, my friend. Sometimes your absolute best, isn't enough to make it in this world.

 

[NeedAnEscape]

My early realization that I had no value. I have belittled myself for so long, that I have forced myself into a cage of self-hatred. I cannot envision my own success, when my peers are far more valuable, generous, caring, and loving than I will ever be. My continual self-harm urges have reminded me that - if I value myself so little that I would entertain such thoughts - then I truly lack a reason to exist. I have brought harm into the world by existing, and the only way I can end my own pain is through death.

 

[Doz]

My ADHD is a prime factor for the simple fact that I can't live life the way I want to because of it and all the side effects and bullshit that go along with it. The other would be loneliness, having 0 friends or anyone I consider family due to a world that rejects me.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

BPD, which makes me feel alone and empty and not being able to enjoy what I have. The world is gray, always

 

[lachrymost]

Health-related stuff triggers me because it reminds me of my medical trauma, the fact that I can't escape doctors indefinitely, and that I'm decaying meat aware of its decay.

Other things related to my trauma that bother me too much to even say.

 

[Forever Sleep]

- I'll likely have to try and find another wage slave job again soon- which I'll likely hate.

- If I carry on on my current course, I will always have the uncertainty of not finding enough work and earning enough money. Constantly looking for work is stressful.

- I'm worried about getting old and ill alone.

- I'll do anything not to see a (suspected) narcissist from my past. If I do find myself in a position where I have to see them- that might be the motivation I need to CTB.

- I'm just overall sick of the daily grind. Tax returns, house work, having to upkeep where I live. Life just seems like a whole long sequence of things I don't want to do.

- I don't even particularly want to do the 'nicer' things in life either. I actively try to avoid seeing former friends. I find that I don't actually want to see them. Certain things like seeing family might be ok when I'm doing it but again- honestly- it isn't something I want to do. I find that I don't really want to do anything in fact!

-I guess I still enjoy eating but- that makes me fat. Life is set up to be so sadistic. To do well in it, you have to become a masochist by the looks of it. You have to deny yourself things you enjoy because they are bad for you and do things you hate like exercise and work. Why would I want to play by these rules?

 

[TapeMachine]

When I was a child, my mother and my family in general always said I was destined to do great things. That I was smart, I was kind and bulls... like that. Well, I'm almost 27 yo and just recently got my first job. I have struggled so much to get one... almost 2 years searching for one while others just get one within a week. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I have to struggle so much to do things normal people do.

Same here. I was the exceptional child who grew up to be a dud. It's an awful feeling. :(

And yes, it feels like I have to work so much harder just to take care of the most basic aspects of life too.

At least I finally got an explanation for why everything is so much more difficult for me: at 37 years old, I was belatedly diagnosed with ADHD. I never even knew what ADHD really was until that year...had no clue, all my damn life..

My ADHD is a prime factor for the simple fact that I can't live life the way I want to because of it and all the side effects and bullshit that go along with it. The other would be loneliness, having 0 friends or anyone I consider family due to a world that rejects me.

Yep, I feel you.. I experience debilitating executive dysfunction 1-2 weeks out of every single month. Debilitating. Those are the times I want to kms the most.

Im sorry you have to deal with the challenges of ADHD too.

So, yeah, I guess I'd say that my most prominent source of suicide-fuel is also my ADHD (and all of the wreckage it precipitates.)

I hate it. I don't fit into society at all, and everything is just going to get more and more difficult the older I get.

 

[ThanatopicFugue]

Basically, what aspects of your life fuel your suicidal feelings the most? For me it would likely be general incompetence and seeing practically everyone else in life doing better than me. Media also fuels it from time to time.

I have no one who cares about me enough to try and help. I have a lot of childhood trauma that I've kept bottled up for years, and when I did talk about it in the past people just laughed. In terms of emotional support, I am alone.

I'm performing terribly in college. My mother insists that I'm super smart and is always judgemental when she sees that I'm not doing perfectly. She knows I have trouble focusing on anything, and accuses me of being lazy even when I try my best.

 

[freedompass]

- I'll likely have to try and find another wage slave job again soon- which I'll likely hate.

- If I carry on on my current course, I will always have the uncertainty of not finding enough work and earning enough money. Constantly looking for work is stressful.

- I'm worried about getting old and ill alone.

- I'll do anything not to see a (suspected) narcissist from my past. If I do find myself in a position where I have to see them- that might be the motivation I need to CTB.

- I'm just overall sick of the daily grind. Tax returns, house work, having to upkeep where I live. Life just seems like a whole long sequence of things I don't want to do.

- I don't even particularly want to do the 'nicer' things in life either. I actively try to avoid seeing former friends. I find that I don't actually want to see them. Certain things like seeing family might be ok when I'm doing it but again- honestly- it isn't something I want to do. I find that I don't really want to do anything in fact!

-I guess I still enjoy eating but- that makes me fat. Life is set up to be so sadistic. To do well in it, you have to become a masochist by the looks of it. You have to deny yourself things you enjoy because they are bad for you and do things you hate like exercise and work. Why would I want to play by these rules?

You seem like a higher functioning version of me Forever Sleep. I have such admiration for your posts…how eloquent, balanced and downright prolific they are. I can't keep up anything like that consistency. Anyway I just wanted to express my appreciation.

What you've said is so relatable. I remember my piano teacher scolding me for not practising enough between lessons. I'd said I didn't want to (or something) and she said 'life is all about doing things you don't want to do'. I was about 11 years old but that stuck with me.

I'm also scared of the *joys* of old age. I'm 61 already, have never been a high energy person and now do pretty much nothing out of a spontaneous wish or desire…except, yes, eating.

Having a human body sucks, I'm a recluse with nothing, no one but hey, I'm in a depressed phase so I won't always feel like this, there will be manic phases as well where I get to make stupid decisions, say and do embarrassing shit and spend money I don't have. Being sectioned in the hospital is more fun to look forward to.

 

[Forever Sleep]

You seem like a higher functioning version of me Forever Sleep. I have such admiration for your posts…how eloquent, balanced and downright prolific they are. I can't keep up anything like that consistency. Anyway I just wanted to express my appreciation.

What you've said is so relatable. I remember my piano teacher scolding me for not practising enough between lessons. I'd said I didn't want to (or something) and she said 'life is all about doing things you don't want to do'. I was about 11 years old but that stuck with me.

I'm also scared of the *joys* of old age. I'm 61 already, have never been a high energy person and now do pretty much nothing out of a spontaneous wish or desire…except, yes, eating.

Having a human body sucks, I'm a recluse with nothing, no one but hey, I'm in a depressed phase so I won't always feel like this, there will be manic phases as well where I get to make stupid decisions, say and do embarrassing shit and spend money I don't have. Being sectioned in the hospital is more fun to look forward to.

Thank you. This means so much to me. I'm so grateful for this forum. I love to be able to talk about the 'big stuff' in life.

God yeah- I used to get that phrase all the time: 'We all have to do things we don't want to do.' I still get it now to an extent. The whole: 'Well- I hated my job too.' Like that's something you just accept as part of the course. I maybe get it slightly less now- seeing as I tend to answer back now! Like- that's supposed to help me? Because you hated your job, it's going to make it easier for me to? That we should all just accept hating life because it's 'normal'. I flew into a capitalist rant the last time. Lol.