What am I doing?

[Dubbledubbs]

Newbie here but longtime lurker. I suffer from Depression, anxiety and I am Bipolar. All of this recently diagnosed even though I've known in head for years now. March has been an exceptionally tough month for me between losing my job of 6 years, losing my relationship of 3 years and losing a pet I very much loved. I'm extremely lonely with only one friend (who happens to a a psychiatrist!!!) but her work load and my inability to be real with her keeps us disconnected.

I've always had thoughts of ctb'ing but they've been ramping up a billion times over this throughout this month. I live in a state where getting a firearm is literally the easiest thing to do. I have one on order but yet to pick it up due to anxiety from leaving the house/coronavirus/etc. But also anxiety due to not feeling like I deserve to ctb. Generally my life has been decent. I've had my hardships but they've been increasingly getting worse.

I guess I'm here because I don't know what I'm doing...ctb seems crystal clear in my head but my life isn't as rough as some others. My urge to go isn't fresh, just amplified and I do have a thoughtful exit planned out. I know no one here can answer for me, but am I just overreacting? Should I not get the firearm? Should I open up to my friend? I'm just confused and lost and feeling really undeserving to ctb.

Any insight would be great.

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Hi and welcome! I can relate to the feeling of "not being worthy enough to ctb." Feel free to PM me and rant if you want. No promises I can give you amazing advice but I do listen. As for your friend I think that it might be a good idea to try to open up to her even if it is a little by little. I'm sure if you reached out that she would be happy to help. Lots of love <3

 

[Mistake of Nature]

I'm so sorry to hear about all the losses you've suffered recently. I can't judge whether or not you're "overreacting" -- only you can determine what you're willing to deal with in your life -- but you have had a really, really difficult month and it wouldn't hurt to wait a while, let the dust settle, and reach out to your friend. Even if you don't open up all the way immediately, sometimes just talking to someone else and getting outside your own head can help.

 

[faust]

It is not good to think that your life is not so rough as others.
We have a different life path, yours is not the same as mine for example.
Though probably it is not the right time to go, I believe suicide is the synonym of acceptance. Acceptance that you do not want to live anymore. If you have some strength yet, you can always try something new and keep going.
Maybe a good reflection on the whole situation might help you... and of course a good old sheet of paper where you can plan what to do next, weigh all pros and cons, put a coat on and go on.
Wish you a good luck!

 

[RedDEE]

I'm a firm believer that one shouldn't CTB unless they're 100% sure, and completely ready with no doubts. If you have even the slightest doubt, you shouldn't do it. Knowing if you're ready to do it is like loving someone - if you have to ask yourself if you love them, then you don't, because when you love someone you just KNOW. And when you're truly ready to CTB, you'll just know.

If you go out and get that gun, then the chances of you committing suicide go way up. You might have a bad day, and make a rash decision and blow your head off when you weren't really ready. Just a thought.

 

[s1mplem3]

You don't have to be as bad as others. Everyone has own circumstances, someone's better than you and someone's worse. But it doesn't mean you have to suffer, you have right to choose. Of course you can open up to your friend, why not to try, just don't tell her about suicide plan.