i remember 3 years ago the first time life started losing its colour, everything just started becoming dull, but i still never considered killing myself as im religious. Over time the thoughts went from "ill never even think of killing myself" to "life sucks but id still never kill myself" to "if i was standing on the road and a car was coming towards me i wouldnt move" to "God please take me in my sleep", eventually to "i wish i could kill myself, i dont wanna live" to actively searching all over reddit and eventually finding this website where i found a working method, life is strange
over the past month it has gotten much worse, at first it used to be normal moods with sadness here and there, then it went to 50 percent of the time being just sadness, between last year and earlier this year it was very low lows and very high highs (i lowkey enjoyed the highs especially during working out) then as of recently, it has just been lows throughout with a few highs through the day, its so tiring
me and religion have had a shaky past, ive had pastors say mental issues are just cos of people not being devoted enough, most religious people say suicide leads to hell, its rough for me. But i personally believe that if there is a God, he is merciful enough to not let me go through hell again.
with relationships, i have friends, ive been in one relationship which was amazing but it didnt work out, i still talk to the girl but im an overthinker, i really cannot live without her if im being honest (kinda embarrassed to say that), shes probably into me but the probability of us staying together even in the future is shaky so imo thats one of the reasons ill probably ctb
most people would not assume i have any reason to kill myself, i am fit, attractive, have a stable family, relatively fine grades (they used to be better) but still my mind is a mess.
i woud,ve hoped to get therapy or meds, they would probably make me normal again.I used to think i was doing all this for attention until i realized i couldn't snap out of it, but it is what it is ig.
anyway that was just me venting for now, idk if ill ever be normal again, i do miss having a healthy mind when i was younger, but yeah thats all. And to anyone who read all this, thank you
Also im not ctb-ing rn, although i do want to ctb soon, i just needed to vent a little bit
over the past month it has gotten much worse, at first it used to be normal moods with sadness here and there, then it went to 50 percent of the time being just sadness, between last year and earlier this year it was very low lows and very high highs (i lowkey enjoyed the highs especially during working out) then as of recently, it has just been lows throughout with a few highs through the day, its so tiring
me and religion have had a shaky past, ive had pastors say mental issues are just cos of people not being devoted enough, most religious people say suicide leads to hell, its rough for me. But i personally believe that if there is a God, he is merciful enough to not let me go through hell again.
with relationships, i have friends, ive been in one relationship which was amazing but it didnt work out, i still talk to the girl but im an overthinker, i really cannot live without her if im being honest (kinda embarrassed to say that), shes probably into me but the probability of us staying together even in the future is shaky so imo thats one of the reasons ill probably ctb
most people would not assume i have any reason to kill myself, i am fit, attractive, have a stable family, relatively fine grades (they used to be better) but still my mind is a mess.
i woud,ve hoped to get therapy or meds, they would probably make me normal again.I used to think i was doing all this for attention until i realized i couldn't snap out of it, but it is what it is ig.
anyway that was just me venting for now, idk if ill ever be normal again, i do miss having a healthy mind when i was younger, but yeah thats all. And to anyone who read all this, thank you
Also im not ctb-ing rn, although i do want to ctb soon, i just needed to vent a little bit
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