When I was a suicidal teengaer one of my first coping methods was watching gore. It was pretty stupid but I had noone to talk to and experienced domestic violence and bullying regularly.
My starting was fictional content. In Germany there was a scandal whether Dragonball Z might have been too explicit and contributed to a shooting. It was media panic and bullshit but this is why major anime censorship in Germany started. I was too small to understand that fully but the censorship lasted pretty long.
As a teenager I was interested in violence. I looked at censorship of TV shows. I am not sure when I started with extremely gory stuff. I can remember The Walking Dead was extremely explicit but I almost was an adult back then. A friend of mine watched Elfenlied. And the mixture of nudity and violence seemed to be too disturbing to me. However soon afterwards I started to watch suicides. The worst video I ever watched was a beheading. Though I could not stomach it and only skipped through it. I highly regret to have watched something like that also for ethical reasons. But it was not good for my mental health at all.
As teenager I tested how much I could stomach. And here came the initial idea for this thread in my mind. There is an anime called Gantz. I did not watch it to that time. But there were many scenes on youtube. Severe abuse of a minor alien creature. This made me pretty sick and sad to that time. I think I told myself I don't want to watch something as disturbing as that. However I asked me whether it just portrayed the reality as it is. (methaphoricall because here it is an alien). The dark grim world. And I am just too much of a coward and look away from it. This was my line of thought. Now as an adult I think my mental health is way more important than such considerations.
Recently some people in this forum described how they witnessed train suicides (randomly). How the masses start shouting, how the thing happens in slow motion (not sure if anyone exactly said that), the traumatizing moments for all the witnesses, the extreme gory pictures, the behavior of the guy that jumped.
Personally I would prefer jumping from height far from jumping in front of a train. Mostly because I fear I might run away from the train in the last seconds and end up as vegetable.
However if everything fails, if I end up homeless and insevere poverty yes train would be an option for me. I am not sure how bad it is to jump in front of others. I assume it is better to avoid it. (ethically) However though as in Gantz (in the first episode) I just watched that disgusting scene to describe it. Two guys want to save another person from the rail tracks. But they lack to time to save themselves. The train comes closer and closer. The two boys run as fast as they can. The passengers around them do nothing exccept taking pictures. One hears one woman saying this will be a unique fantastic photo. The angle changes. The beheaded head of one of the guys flies around. One hears the thoughts of the other guy. Damn my friend is dead. But in truth also his head is flying around. Full with blood. And almost all other passengers just take photos.
As a teenager I started to watch gore. And I wanted to make sure my suicide won't end up there. The comment section is extremely despicable among the worst things you can imagine. The people who comment such stuff probably are ill themselves.
There are some suicide videos I still remember. Some from youtube. The guy who jumped from the Golden Gate bridge someone has it here as a gif. Budd Dwyer's suicide. An Indian guy begging his ex gf no to leave him. And then he jumps out of the window from a high floor. And you hear him landing on a car. It is a video call. She starts crying begging him not to do it but he still does so. The beheading probably was from the Mexican mafia I had nightmares of that woman in the past. A German asshole youtube once uploaded like operations of people with severe injuries. My first intent for gore started when I saw a movie scene where someone ripped of his skin. And I related completely. This is exactly how I feel when my mom beats me up. I want to pull off my skin too.
My stomach hurts when I remember all of that. I think it is better to add the NSFW tag. I think none of these videos actually traumatized me. But you can get PTSD from watching such stuff. One reason among many why I don't do that anymore. I never looked into extremely explicit videos for a long time. There are still worse things and I am glad I won't have to watch them.
I did not have a nice time as a kid, as a teenager and also not as an adult. I sort of feel ashamed to have watched some of that stuff. But I was stupid and young and did not know how to cope in a positive way with my pain. Like posting myriads of threads in suicide forum that is demonized by the rest of the world as a disgusting death-cult, pro-suicide, very dangerous and evil especially the longterm members.
My starting was fictional content. In Germany there was a scandal whether Dragonball Z might have been too explicit and contributed to a shooting. It was media panic and bullshit but this is why major anime censorship in Germany started. I was too small to understand that fully but the censorship lasted pretty long.
As a teenager I was interested in violence. I looked at censorship of TV shows. I am not sure when I started with extremely gory stuff. I can remember The Walking Dead was extremely explicit but I almost was an adult back then. A friend of mine watched Elfenlied. And the mixture of nudity and violence seemed to be too disturbing to me. However soon afterwards I started to watch suicides. The worst video I ever watched was a beheading. Though I could not stomach it and only skipped through it. I highly regret to have watched something like that also for ethical reasons. But it was not good for my mental health at all.
As teenager I tested how much I could stomach. And here came the initial idea for this thread in my mind. There is an anime called Gantz. I did not watch it to that time. But there were many scenes on youtube. Severe abuse of a minor alien creature. This made me pretty sick and sad to that time. I think I told myself I don't want to watch something as disturbing as that. However I asked me whether it just portrayed the reality as it is. (methaphoricall because here it is an alien). The dark grim world. And I am just too much of a coward and look away from it. This was my line of thought. Now as an adult I think my mental health is way more important than such considerations.
Recently some people in this forum described how they witnessed train suicides (randomly). How the masses start shouting, how the thing happens in slow motion (not sure if anyone exactly said that), the traumatizing moments for all the witnesses, the extreme gory pictures, the behavior of the guy that jumped.
Personally I would prefer jumping from height far from jumping in front of a train. Mostly because I fear I might run away from the train in the last seconds and end up as vegetable.
However if everything fails, if I end up homeless and insevere poverty yes train would be an option for me. I am not sure how bad it is to jump in front of others. I assume it is better to avoid it. (ethically) However though as in Gantz (in the first episode) I just watched that disgusting scene to describe it. Two guys want to save another person from the rail tracks. But they lack to time to save themselves. The train comes closer and closer. The two boys run as fast as they can. The passengers around them do nothing exccept taking pictures. One hears one woman saying this will be a unique fantastic photo. The angle changes. The beheaded head of one of the guys flies around. One hears the thoughts of the other guy. Damn my friend is dead. But in truth also his head is flying around. Full with blood. And almost all other passengers just take photos.
As a teenager I started to watch gore. And I wanted to make sure my suicide won't end up there. The comment section is extremely despicable among the worst things you can imagine. The people who comment such stuff probably are ill themselves.
There are some suicide videos I still remember. Some from youtube. The guy who jumped from the Golden Gate bridge someone has it here as a gif. Budd Dwyer's suicide. An Indian guy begging his ex gf no to leave him. And then he jumps out of the window from a high floor. And you hear him landing on a car. It is a video call. She starts crying begging him not to do it but he still does so. The beheading probably was from the Mexican mafia I had nightmares of that woman in the past. A German asshole youtube once uploaded like operations of people with severe injuries. My first intent for gore started when I saw a movie scene where someone ripped of his skin. And I related completely. This is exactly how I feel when my mom beats me up. I want to pull off my skin too.
My stomach hurts when I remember all of that. I think it is better to add the NSFW tag. I think none of these videos actually traumatized me. But you can get PTSD from watching such stuff. One reason among many why I don't do that anymore. I never looked into extremely explicit videos for a long time. There are still worse things and I am glad I won't have to watch them.
I did not have a nice time as a kid, as a teenager and also not as an adult. I sort of feel ashamed to have watched some of that stuff. But I was stupid and young and did not know how to cope in a positive way with my pain. Like posting myriads of threads in suicide forum that is demonized by the rest of the world as a disgusting death-cult, pro-suicide, very dangerous and evil especially the longterm members.
