Yeah you're right. I have a lot of mixed feelings about my drug use, but at the very least it took the pain away I guess... I feel like I lost so much time to heroin though, and the time I lost should've been the best years of my life.
I also have mixed feelings about my usage, I can't exactly lie, but I enjoyed using drugs a lot, but in retrospect this did have a profoundly negative impact on present cove, though, I don't think I was thinking so far ahead.. I did use heroin for a few years, that was a really abusive relationship, but this was mixed and interspersed with a whole bunch of other substances, none of which had a positive effect. Takes the pain away, makes the moment somewhat enjoyable, sure, but at what cost? Now I am just an empty shell of a person. So much time we can't get back, not that it'll matter..
I have such rapid bpd mood swings but mania isn't happiness, it's just the opposite side of extreme depression
I'm really sorry that you have to suffer this way, I do experience manic days, but not to this extent, I can't imagine how difficult it must be to deal with this every day. If you wanted someone to talk to about it I can listen if it will help at all, though I have severe anxiety, I can try
When I had a particularly bad mood swing last year I went to a bridge over the highway, took enough benzos to make me lose my balance at least if not suppress SI enough to make me jump, and waited to fall into the path of a couple trucks. It was working too, I was starting to lose my footing on the railing, before some "heroes" swooped in and manhandled me over the side of the railing without my consent before calling the cops... It was not only traumatic, but just humiliating. What makes people think they have the right to just pick up and princess-carry a girl they don't know? I hated that so much.
Any idea what caused such a mood swing? I have experienced them, to the point of only preparing to depart, in both cases I ended up just trying to destroy any trace of my existence, selling my property, burning personal things etc.. idk why I have a fixation on it, but I do. In any case, it sounds like an awful experience, and not a way I would like to go. I think about jumping often but I'm pretty scared of heights, I think I'd have to be on some benzos too. I'm sorry that you were treated like that, but I'm they probably ust thought they were doing the right thing by trying to save someone. they had no idea what you are going through, or feeling, or the circumstances that led to you being where you were, doing what you were doing. Still, I believe people should have the right to do as they choose, so long as others do not suffer as a result
I also found I completely lost interest in the one thing that gave my worthless life any meaning, which was my music. I tried, I still try. But I just can't enjoy it like I used it. It's jut not there. I at least want to finish one last song to describe myself, my life, my emotions, and try to convey the reason I made the choice that I made, since I can't ever seem to write a suicide note that can encapsulate that.
Same here, I used to love to play guitar just to pass the time, but I lost interest in this after the post-withdrawal depression hit like a truck, I never got over it, and still find no motivation to play. Also listening to music, I find less joy in it, but sometimes it's nice to pass the time, or evoke some emotion, however artificial. Did you ever write any music? I can't say that I ever wrote anything coherent or worthwhile, but it's a nice time sink, as for leaving a note, as stated previously I intend to leave no traces, I really wouldn't want to, I have nothing left to say and nobody that really needs to hear it
I honestly would recommend you stay away from any opioids (like heroin) or other downers (alcohol, benzos, etc.) unless you only use them for CTB with no prior tolerance. They are extremely dangerous in many ways especially for suicidal people I think. Heroin made me feel like I didn't want to die anymore, like everything was perfect, and before I knew it it'd been months and I had done nothing but lay in bed high.
Yeah, it's a bit late for that, my tolerance is pretty damn high and that ain't gonna change, I think it would be wise to recommend against using such drugs for any alleviation of suffering(unless ODing ofc), it does not last, and will only lead to more needless suffering. With heroin everything was perfect, I know how that is, living in hell and prancing through the flames like a carefree child on a warm summers eve, and to feel the illusion come crashing down is a horrible feeling, recently I've been thinking about using again.. finding old needles and just remembering the whole ritual was enough to make me crave it, I dunno, I might cave
Yeah I understand... Last year was the first time I actually went out in summer at all. And I actually liked it to my complete surprise, I never had thought I would before then. Before I'd always just keep the blinds down and drink a lot of cold drinks.
I'm glad that you had a nice time, It's really no fun sitting inside all day during summer, it's really the most liveliest of seasons, I hope that I can enjoy this summer too, and I wish the same for you. No idea what I'm gonna do, or where I'll go, I have little experience with this stuff, just spending time in nature sounds like fun, or just reading under a tree in the shade, I'm almost looking forward to something. Seems like the perfect time to depart, too, I can't think of a more beautiful way to go than to fade with the summer sun, if there was ever a time to do it, I think it'd be then, I am really considering it, I already have a few places in mind, we'll see what happens.
Lately I've felt different. I've enjoyed the sun against my entirely vampiric-white skin. And I think, I want to do the kind of summery activities most people do when it's summer at least once for the full season. I want to go out dressed nicely in summer clothes, I want to sit in nature and read, I want to appreciate the birdsong and the warm evenings and the cool breezes and being able to watch the stars when it's not freezing or muddy everywhere.
Apologies for poor writing, I am utterly drained and it is a real struggle to get much out at all. also, thank you for your reply, I appreciate it very much.
See you around
