Went from having a secure future to being virtually unemployed in a week. Not seeing any other way out of this

[UnemployedMD]

Hi everyone. New to this forum but have lurked for a long time during challenging periods in my life. But what has happened to me most recently has finally pushed me to officially joining.

Some background on myself. I spent the last decade of my life training to become a physician and graduated from medical school last month. I live in the United States where education towards becoming a doctor is perhaps one of the longest and most arduous processes one can possibly pursue. Last Monday was the day all soon to be doctors find out if/where they are going to be starting their career. It is a broken system that relies on a computer algorithm to place you into a one of however many places interviewed you. Even though I statistically had a 98% of getting a spot based off how many places interviewed me...I didn't. My life has literally been in shambles all week as a result of shear bad luck out of my control and I can't live with the shame I've caused my family. My parents are both doctors, have supported me through everything and paid for all my education, expenses, etc (probably approaching 1/2 a million dollars) and they don't deserve to now have to support an unemployed disappointment of a son for the the next year (at least) as he prepares to potentially go down with the titanic trying this year long application process again. Needless to say, this is the tip of the iceberg in my life and just getting to this point has been a nightmare I could honestly write a book on. There are basically no career opportunities for unmatched MDs in this country without getting a residency. At least aside from basically starting all over from scratch in another career which I honestly don't have in me.

I don't have any close friends, my relationships have all been toxic/short lived (one nearly drove me to the brink of insanity), and despite being in my mid twenties, I haven't experienced even a fraction of the things most people my age have as a majority of my life up until now has had me completely focused on this.

I have not left my home in a week. Can barely eat, sleep and just feel completely exhausted. I am at the end of my ropes and don't see a way out of this.

As I do live in the US and own firearms, I do have very lethal means accessible to me to potentially ctb. I would plan to do so in a way that causes the least amount of psychological trauma possible to those I love. Perhaps even one where there are no remains. Was thinking about swimming out far (I am a very strong swimmer and can swim for miles without stopping) into the ocean and shooting myself in the water (this way if I miraculously survive the gunshot I would just immediately drown and then sink to the bottom). I just wanted some other's perspectives on it before I actually pull the trigger (pun intended).

 

[Trans Magus]

Just be sure you really want to end it all and have tried everything you can before you catch the bus. Once you do it, there's no going back, so there's no need to rush. Frankly, I wish I were in your position.

 

[kovkay]

You're clearly smart and capable. You can maybe work in research as you probably had to have some experience with that to get into medical school. Or work in the medical field but not as a doctor. Not all hope is lost! You can definitely try the process again.

 

[WornOutLife]

First of all, gratz on being a doctor! You are clearly an amazing and responsible human being.

Secondly, I've thought of the same. You know, going to the middle of the ocean and ctb.

Whatever you do, wish you lots of love and eternal peace.

Hugs!

 

[usernameforhere]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. So many systems in our society are broken and antiquated.

the good news is you have so many resources in you to have made it this far. There's so many thing you could do.

im a little sad there isn't a better way then firearms. Messy, crude devices they are.

I hope you find a good way forward, go on to have a fantastic life with a short story you'll look back and laugh at.

 

[Silver]

Maybe you could move abroad? Australia and New Zealand, for example, are a popular place for UK doctors to move to, because the work/life balance is supposedly better.

 

[UnemployedMD]

Is the method I came up with a good idea? The sight of a dead loved on can lead to tremendous psychological damage (PTSD, depression, etc). Wouldn't this make it to easier (for the few people who care about me) to handle? I would leave a note so obviously they know I didn't just disappear/run away. But there wouldn't be a corpse or anything to emotionally scar anyone.

 

[Bensharp]

Just move to another country, in Saudi or Qatar or UAE you get paid shit loads, you can move to Australia, New Zealand UK and Canada is close to you. Unless you have been disbarred most countries need more doctors. Maybe aside from Cuba most countries love doctors immigrant. Just move to a different country fuck the system. Wish you the best of luck on your future.

 

[booray]

I'm amazed that you think it would be easier on your loved ones to not have a corpse. So yeah, I think your method sucks. Besides, how would you keep the gun dry as you swim out to the middle of the ocean with it?

 

[Silver]

Is the method I came up with a good idea? The sight of a dead loved on can lead to tremendous psychological damage (PTSD, depression, etc). Wouldn't this make it to easier (for the few people who care about me) to handle? I would leave a note so obviously they know I didn't just disappear/run away. But there wouldn't be a corpse or anything to emotional scar anyone.

You're reacting to your situation emotionally rather than logically though. You've qualified as a doctor, right? Just because you've not been placed now, doesn't mean you need to end your life over it. I don't know how the situation works. Is there a way to appeal it? Could you work somewhere voluntarily to get some experience then re-apply?

 

[UnemployedMD]

Just move to another country, in Saudi or Qatar or UAE you get paid shit loads, you can move to Australia, New Zealand UK and Canada is close to you. Unless you have been disbarred most countries need more doctors. Maybe aside from Cuba most countries love doctors immigrant. Just move to a different country fuck the system. Wish you the best of luck on your future.

My family would remember me as being a selfish person who left the family behind thinking for himself if I did something like that. I want them to remember me positively at least and doing something like this would make me live a life of feeling ashamed.

 

[booray]

You don't think that your family will think that you're selfish and feel ashamed of you leaving them behind if you ctb?

 

[UnemployedMD]

You're reacting to your situation emotionally rather than logically though. You've qualified as a doctor, right? Just because you've not been placed now, doesn't mean you need to end your life over it. I don't know how the situation works. Is there a way to appeal it? Could you work somewhere voluntarily to get some experience then re-apply?

Yes I can of course get experience easily to try and strengthen my application and reapply. That is easy to do. Buy I am so psychologically damaged from the years of abuse this system has put me through (pre-med, med school, board exams, stress) I am not sure if I can stomach the pain of having to endure another year of this bullshit to actually get those things done. Also doing anything isn't a guarantee the second time around in residency (actually worsens your chances actually) and some people do end up being chronically unemployed just because so much time as passed since they were last seeing patients in school.

There is just only so much one man can handle. This is already so far past the threshold I am willing to tolerate before ctbing, which is only compounded by the uncertainty and only ever increasing stress going on from this point will bring.

 

[Ame]

I'm sorry that you didn't successfully match for residency this cycle. After all of the hard work that you put into getting your MD, this development must be a devastating blow. I hope that I am not overstepping any boundaries by saying so, but I strongly recommend that you process the shock first before making any rash decisions. Suicide is not something you can back away from once you've committed - so please do weigh out all of your options with a clear mind. Please, think about this and allow yourself to let the feelings pass as they come. You're obviously intelligent and hard working, but sometimes this means that you've not had the opportunity to deal with failures in the same way as others. If this is the first major blow that you've encountered on your road to medicine (or any of your goals really), it may likely be difficult to cope because the experience is so novel. While the situation is not what you would like, you are, in this very moment okay. It doesn't feel nice for certain, but it isn't the end so long as you decide to keep going.

You are fortunate in that you've not accrued any debts over the course of your studies and that both of your parents are established in the profession (I would imagine that the latter can work well in your favour). If it was projected that you had a 98% chance of matching then it means that you likely did very well in medical school and scored really high on the USMLEs. That is to be commended. I don't know which programmes you had hoped to match nor how competitive they were but there are still options for you to consider.

Have you thought about looking into the Supplemental Offer and Acceptance Program about potentially grabbing an unclaimed residency spot? It may not be in the field that you would have liked, but at least you can still work as a doctor. You may want to also consult an advisor at your medical school to see if there is something that can be done to slot you in somewhere. In the worst case, you try again next year. There are still options, but none of them will be available to you if you are dead.

You should definitely be open about this with your parents. I cannot speak for their character and you will know them better than anyone else here, but I am willing to bet that they would much rather have you living than bury you. They may not be thrilled about what happened, but I should like to think that they would do anything in their power to help you (they did finance your studies after all). I really wish you all the best. Please take this time to be kind to yourself. You worked so hard...please don't discard all of that so quickly.

 

[UnemployedMD]

I'm amazed that you think it would be easier on your loved ones to not have a corpse. So yeah, I think your method sucks. Besides, how would you keep the gun dry as you swim out to the middle of the ocean with it?

I am a gun enthusiast. They don't malfunction from being wet. Cartridges components (gunpowder: the only water sensitive compound) is secured in a sealed metal casing. Would 100% not be a problem so long as the gun itself is not submerged. In which case bullet will lose velocity and you could survive.

 

[popcorn]

hi mate

if they have supported you to the tune of half a mil and youve spent a decade to get this far. what is another year? nothing right?? im sure ur mum n dad would rather u alive and unemployed than dead. so i wouldnt ctb just on that fact alone.

u must have worked really hard just to get this far, i would assume you have it in you to stick it out another year. maybe some benzos would help get your sleep and eating habits back on track. and the UK are always crying out for dr's, worth a thought.

anyway, if not then i respect your decision. but i just wanted to say that

 

[Ame]

To everyone suggesting that he just move abroad, there are very few reciprocity agreements between countries for International Medical School Graduates. If he graduated from the USA, then the only country that would accept him for residency would likely be Canada (and those places are far and few in between even for local graduates). It would be much easier to try and make a final grab at an unfilled spot or wait to match again in the following year, than to have his studies recognized in a foreign country (where he would likely have to write even more licensing exams).

 

[Leiden]

I'm so sorry you didn't get a residency. You obviously are an extremely smart person. I know it was not easy getting through ten years of medicine school, but you did it, and you should be proud of yourself for that. Give yourself some well deserved credit. You made it ten years, and a year more could make all the difference. I would start the year long process again, this time you might get that residency. The best of luck to you.

 

[popcorn]

You're obviously intelligent and hard working, but sometimes this means that you've not had the opportunity to deal with failures in the same way as others. If this is the first major blow that you've encountered on your road to medicine (or any of your goals really), it may likely be difficult to cope because the experience is so novel.

this is absolutely true. my life has been a shit storm and ive noticed things that knock other people my age on their arse (even my family members also) dont bother me too much.

 

[Meretlein]

If there is truly no deficiency in your record that has gotten you rejected then I think there is still a good chance you can still become a doctor.

Is it possible that you applied to somewhere too competitive? Or maybe it was just a fluke. There is nothing wrong with applying again.

If you are telling the full story in this post then I truly believe you can still become a doctor.

It seems like you have worked very hard and the news has crushed you. It would be best to wait for the dust to settle before making a decision.

 

[UnemployedMD]

To everyone suggesting that he just move abroad, there are very few reciprocity agreements between countries for International Medical School Graduates. If he graduated from the USA, then the only country that would accept him for residency would likely be Canada (and those places are far and few in between even for local graduates). It would be much easier to try and make a final grab at an unfilled spot or wait to match again in the following year, than to have his studies recognized in a foreign country (where he would likely have to write even more licensing exams).

Yeah forgot about that for a second. You need to take another set of completely different exams (believe one is called the PLAB in the UK). It's called the USMLE here. Let me tell you something.....the stress from studying for those exams in just one country is the reason I first found out about sites like this to begin with.

It's like the cure to this is literally worse than the illness.

 

[Ame]

Yeah forgot about that for a second. You need to take another set of completely different exams (believe one is called the PLAB in the UK). It's called the USMLE here. Let me tell you something.....the stress from studying for those exams is the reason I first found out about sites like this to begin with.

I definitely believe you seeing as medical school doesn't really allow for a healthy work-life balance (not to mention the madness of balancing clinical rotations and the like). Residency comes with it's own stresses and the hierarchy within the profession can be toxic at times. I am so sorry that the stress of all of this have lead you to seriously consider ending your life. The irony in medical professions, is that those who are expected to care for others are sometimes shamed for seeking care themselves. It really isn't easy and it isn't for nothing that the suicide rate within these groups are higher than the general population's.

If you don't mind me asking, is medicine something that you wanted to do, or did you feel pressured to pursue it? Of course, it isn't something to be answered right away if you're not feeling all that well. I hope that you will reflect and reach out to others. You can be helped if you are open to accepting that help.

 

[Bensharp]

But by killing yourself they won't think you are selfish or going missing, are you sure logic is your strong point?If you cbt you are taking a permanent solution for a temporary problem. You have so many options. You can travel the world for year albeit covid, volunteer, spunge off your parent or move abroad. Just discuss it with your parent they might be more understanding. Think about it this way. They have a place to stay when they travel abroad and the further you are from relatives or family the closer you are in heart. That is in my experience. You are a unique situation on this site. By all means vent, be angry, but don't do some stupid no rational being will understand. But it is still your choice and your life. We respect your autonomy in whatever you choose. Your situation is not hopeless and don't let anybody sway you that it is

 

[UnemployedMD]

But by killing yourself they won't think you are selfish or going missing, are you sure logic is your strong point?If you cbt you are taking a permanent solution for a temporary problem. You have so many options. You can travel the world for year albeit covid, volunteer, spunge off your parent or move abroad. Just discuss it with your parent they might be more understanding. Think about it this way. They have a place to stay when they travel abroad and the further you are from relatives or family the closer you are in heart. That is in my experience. You are a unique situation on this site. By all means vent, be angry, but don't do some stupid no rational being will understand. But it is still your choice and your life. We respect your autonomy in whatever you choose. Your situation is not hopeless and don't let anybody sway you that it is

You are making me tear up writing this. I really do love my family (even though I try to generally act stoic and not overly emotional) so I really wouldn't want to live a life so separated from them so far away. I don't think I would be able to start a life of my own in a foriegn country without any close support or resources. Or at least I life I want. I know I come from a place of privilege. My parents never really taught me how to fend for myself and I've taken for granted a lot of the challenges most other people have to deal with. God this makes me feel like I deserve to die even more.

 

[Bensharp]

You are a doctor, you are top of the food the chain, try again next year. You will be amazed at the capacity of human to adapt to any situation. What if your parent died today I hope not. You will move on. I come from a privileged and sheltered background but when life gives you lemon you make lemonade. You should try again next year. Since both your parents are doctors too (lucky bxxxxxxx lol) tell them to use all their connections and contacts they have accumulated. You can also review where you went wrong. And be self critical. What if you fell in love with someone overseas, won't you move overseas. And you won't have much to deal with much if you get a job abroad, you will live in a posh area protected and safe as hell. Since you love parent so much hope you realise they will leave this world someday. Start preparing mentally and physically for that. Wish you best of luck.

 

[UnemployedMD]

You are a doctor, you are top of the food the chain, try again next year. You will be amazed at the capacity of human to adapt to any situation. What if your parent died today I hope not. You will move on. I come from a privileged and sheltered background but when life gives you lemon you make lemonade. You should try again next year. Since both your parents are doctors too (lucky bxxxxxxx lol) tell them to use all their connections and contacts they have accumulated. You can also review where you went wrong. And be self critical. What if you fell in love with someone overseas, won't you move overseas. And you won't have much to deal with much if you get a job abroad, you will live in a posh area protected and safe as hell. Since you love parent so much hope you realise they will leave this world someday. Start preparing mentally and physically for that. Wish you best of luck.

Part of me is starting to feel like I am not cut out for normal life. Most things to this point that I try to achieve seem to always manage to evade me and perhaps I do have undiagnosed issues of my own (probably wouldn't be here to begin with if that wasn't the case). They teach us in medical school that everyone who contemplates ctbing is mentally ill. After reading these threads intermittently for years it makes me feel like it is the other way around and it's everyone else who doesn't see things clearly. Most people hopelessly go forward with lives that make them miserable. One set of problems and conflicts that repeat themselves on an endless loop that lasts for what is now approaching 90 years in some countries. Not even 27 years has me feeling completely out of gas and at my whits end emotionally and physically. how would I ever make it through another 3 and half cycles from what I've already put myself through.

LOL the specialty I was expecting to match into was PSYCHIATRY of all things (I would have been so perfect for that)

As we speak my parents are using every connection that they can find up to top health officials in my state to get me out of this mess. I do believe there is a small chance they are successful in using leads to allow me to catch a spot even in this late stage (training starts in July). It will certainly not be psychiatry as that is becoming increasingly more competitive (that much I can live with). But they are essentially fighting to get me a preliminary surgery spot. For those how don't know this is basically the worst residency in medicine. You work what is nothing short of being described as legalized slave labor working literally 80-100hrs a week (not even an exaggeration), all the most likely to be cut lose at the end after a year (or two) and back in this same position I am in now. Though at least you are a whole year closer to your goal of being fully licensed so I would honestly be grateful to have even that at this point. The problem and route of my suicidal thoughts is even THAT is going to be hard to get now. Not to mention. even if this miracle happened, I would feel like mommy and daddy bought me a spot and I didn't earn it and might be treated harshly by my peers (abuse like this in medicine is a lot worse than most people know).

 

[Bensharp]

Part of me is starting to feel like I am not cut out for normal life. Most things to this point that I try to achieve seem to always manage to evade me and perhaps I do have undiagnosed issues of my own (probably wouldn't be here to begin with if that was the case). They teach us in medical school that everyone who contemplates ctbing is mentally ill. After reading these threads intermittently for years it makes me feel like it is the other way around and it's everyone else who doesn't see things clearly. Hopelessly going forward with lives that make them miserable. One set of problems and conflicts that repeat themselves on endless loop that lasts for what is now approaching 90 years in some countries. Not even 27 years has me feeling completely out of gas and at my whits end emotionally and physically. how would I ever make it through another 3 and half cycles from what I've already put myself through.

LOL the specialty I was expecting to match into was PSYCHIATRY of all things (I'd be a perfect match for that)

If you are going to practice Psychiatry then you will have access to the best resources and since you are from a rich family you will get the best treatments. I will say seek help. Life feels overwhelming, it is okay to feel weird. It is okay to not feel like a normie. It is okay to feel like 90 is a long time but trust me time flies like crazy. Trust me take each day as it is comes there is a famous Jewish guy who asked for daily bread! I am sure you are incredibly intelligent and you have a lot of resources at your disposal, connections, money and living in a first world country. 3xplore all your options then if you decide to ctb. Atleast you know you have tried but speak to your family and see what motivates them, how do they keep moving forward. Speak to the old people and ask them you will find out they felt like you too but kept carrying on inspite of it. Since you said you have not enjoyed your youth you have a year to go crazy. You have a bright future. You can come here and vent and when you start practicing, I am sure you are passionate about helping others. You find someone who is crazy about you and you are crazy about. You have children and you find happiness in the little things in life. Life is great. At the risk of sounding like a prolifer. I don't think you should self diagnose yourself and avoid comparing overtly to negative or negative situation. Think positive but seek help if you need to. We are all here all day. It is okay to feel overwhelmed. It is okay to not get what we want all the time.

 

[UnemployedMD]

If you are going to practice Psychiatry then you will have access to the best resources and since you are from a rich family you will get the best treatments. I will say seek help. Life feels overwhelming, it is okay to feel weird. It is okay to not feel like a normie. It is okay to feel like 90 is a long time but trust me time flies like crazy. Trust me take each day as it is comes there is a famous Jewish guy who asked for daily bread! I am sure you are incredibly intelligent and you have a lot of resources at your disposal, connections, money and living in a first world country. 3xplore all your options then if you decide to ctb. Atleast you know you have tried but speak to your family and see what motivates them, how do they keep moving forward. Speak to the old people and ask them you will find out they felt like you too but kept carrying on inspite of it. Since you said you have not enjoyed your youth you have a year to go crazy. You have a bright future. You can come here and vent and when you start practicing, I am sure you are passionate about helping others. You find someone who is crazy about you and you are crazy about. You have children and you find happiness in the little things in life. Life is great. At the risk of sounding like a prolifer. I don't think you should self diagnose yourself and avoid comparing overtly to negative or negative situation. Think positive but seek help if you need to. We are all here all day. It is okay to feel overwhelmed. It is okay to not get what we want all the time.

My parents have had very smooth lives. Occasional hiccups along the way like everyone but nothing ever major or even close to what I am dealing with. They came from middle class backgrounds themselves, but both excelled rapidly at their academic pursuits, trained at super elite institutions and performed better than I could have ever done. Even when they are seemingly in trouble THEY ALWAYS find a way out of it. I feel like I just have some curse on my life that prevents me from getting anything done even when I am inches away. I know it sounds ridiculous but sometimes it seems like the universe is just playing a joke on me. Most kids are supposed to do at least the same or better than their parents. Even though my parents assure me they don't feel this way, I know going to the shittier medical school I did and now having this failed job search process on my record means they just look down at me as a source of embarrassment.

 

[whywere]

1st off, WELCOME to Sanctioned Suicide!! Great to have you as a new global family member. 2nd, I was in a car crash in 2015, car crash not my fault. Afterwards I found a pain doctor, I have 24/7 chronic pain from the crash, and he saved my life, so far, as he was so nice, understanding and smart. I was laid off last summer after almost 30 years at the same company. I am 65 and I can not/do not want to retire and age discrimination is biting me hard. With that said, my pain doctor is a miracle and so are you! I am in the U.S. also and you are such a outstandingly loving, kind and caring person, reading your post shows that 100%, that I/we need people like you who have the smarts and nurturing love towards your fellow human who is sick and/or in need of medical attention. You have a global family here who loves, cares, has empathy and support for you. We are 1 family here and you have all of us to count on as you take the road to becoming a doctor. You may have to redo/interview or whatever the process to get over the hump BUT..BUT we are here to help and give support along the way. All my love, caring empathy and SUPPORT goes out to you. Walter (yes Walter is my real first name, never ever anything phoney about me ever)

 

[Greenberg]

Hi everyone. New to this forum but have lurked for a long time during challenging periods in my life. But what has happened to me most recently has finally pushed me to officially joining.

Some background on myself. I spent the last decade of my life training to become a physician and graduated from medical school last month. I live in the United States where education towards becoming a doctor is perhaps one of the longest and most arduous processes one can possibly pursue. Last Monday was the day all soon to be doctors find out if/where they are going to be starting their career. It is a broken system that relies on a computer algorithm to place you into a one of however many places interviewed you. Even though I statistically had a 98% of getting a spot based off how many places interviewed me...I didn't. My life has literally been in shambles all week as a result of shear bad luck out of my control and I can't live with the shame I've caused my family. My parents are both doctors, have supported me through everything and paid for all my education, expenses, etc (probably approaching 1/2 a million dollars) and they don't deserve to now have to support an unemployed disappointment of a son for the the next year (at least) as he prepares to potentially go down with the titanic trying this year long application process again. Needless to say, this is the tip of the iceberg in my life and just getting to this point has been a nightmare I could honestly write a book on. There are basically no career opportunities for unmatched MDs in this country without getting a residency. At least aside from basically starting all over from scratch in another career which I honestly don't have in me.

I don't have any close friends, my relationships have all been toxic/short lived (one nearly drove me to the brink of insanity), and despite being in my mid twenties, I haven't experienced even a fraction of the things most people my age have as a majority of my life up until now has had me completely focused on this.

I have not left my home in a week. Can barely eat, sleep and just feel completely exhausted. I am at the end of my ropes and don't see a way out of this.

As I do live in the US and own firearms, I do have very lethal means accessible to me to potentially ctb. I would plan to do so in a way that causes the least amount of psychological trauma possible to those I love. Perhaps even one where there are no remains. Was thinking about swimming out far into the ocean and shooting myself in the water (this way if I miraculously survive the gunshot I would just immediately drown and then sink to the bottom). I just wanted some other's perspectives on it before I actually pull the trigger (pun intended).

Would you be able to go for more schooling in subspeciality and look for employment after that? I am sure your parents would not mind supporting you for more education. The world simply has become hypercompetitive. Another possibility is to intern/practice in another country.