Welp. Guess who gave in and self harmed

[sirciroc]

Never in my life have I self harmed before (via cutting at least). I always considered I held back. But my emotions have gotten to me this week. I was trying to concentrate on school work and I kept thinking about random delusional bullshit again. So I said fuck it. Grabbed a fresh shaving razor from my stash (I hardly use them anyway) and just. Went for it. At the top of my leg. And it hurt…and it worked. All the noise just stopped. I don't know if it was the stinging sensation that brought me back to reality or what. But I was able to just breathe and work on my shit with clarity. It's crazy. Something associated with teens that I always figured I was "too old" for but…is anyone too old for pain? Too old for help? Not really

Maybe these meds aren't working after all. Or maybe I need something extra. Cause I know this isn't necessarily something healthy. But wow…it felt so relieving. I get it now. I get why people do it. Maybe I should but a razor blade. Or not

Anyway, back to work

Edit: I really appreciate the amount of support I've gotten from everyone. It makes me want to tear up. I didn't think about having to cut deeper to get the same release. Cutting seems like a surprising amount of upkeep. I'm going to look into the alt methods you've all discussed and do my best to incorporate the more accessible ones first

 

[cemetorium]

I know the stereotype is that self harm is a "teenager thing", but I never cut when I was underage. Most of my self harm was between ages 18-20 and I still do it now (age 23). There's no age limit to self harm or suffering even though people like to pretend there is.

Also: make sure to take care of the wounds so they don't get infected.

 

[bipbapbop]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm in my 30s and I have been experiencing the desire to cut for the first time in my life. My SH techniques are usually undetectable so I've been very confused about this whole thing.

Hope you are doing okay.

 

[CharAznable54]

I feel the same way. No idea why, but I find some comfort in cutting or scratching my arm. Helps with stress, weirdly enough.

 

[Tesha]

Sadly, it's not an age thing (half a century under my belt). It is a great relief, to begin with. But in my experience it eventually requires more risk taking behaviour to get the same feeling. I only started last year and I wish I hadn't. I suppose I'm trying to say, please think carefully - try holding ice cubes, or snapping a rubber band against your inner wrist, or use an acupuncture roller instead of a blade.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

Never in my life have I self harmed before (via cutting at least). I always considered I held back. But my emotions have gotten to me this week. I was trying to concentrate on school work and I kept thinking about random delusional bullshit again. So I said fuck it. Grabbed a fresh shaving razor from my stash (I hardly use them anyway) and just. Went for it. At the top of my leg. And it hurt…and it worked. All the noise just stopped. I don't know if it was the stinging sensation that brought me back to reality or what. But I was able to just breathe and work on my shit with clarity. It's crazy. Something associated with teens that I always figured I was "too old" for but…is anyone too old for pain? Too old for help? Not really

Maybe these meds aren't working after all. Or maybe I need something extra. Cause I know this isn't necessarily something healthy. But wow…it felt so relieving. I get it now. I get why people do it. Maybe I should but a razor blade. Or not

Anyway, back to work

Youngest self harm at 12, oldest in my mid 30s (so far lol), but I can't really recommend it. Now I like my skin and the more I get the more I am happy and when there's not a young scar I feel kinda lame.

But I've also gotten endorphins all sorts of ways that carry less social consequences. Seriously consider that. Power lifting. Endurance running. Those are total opposites in terms of activities and you'll get high af. No noise. And people will look up to you rather than looking sideways.

 

[Ash]

It's definitely nothing to do with age. And it's the endorphins and adrenaline and wotnot that change how you feel. You'll get the same feelings from going for a run or a bike ride or hitting a punch bag or the gym or dancing or whatever.

Just be careful and make sure you keep everything clean, and that you know the signs of infection and where to get help if necessary.

 

[Immensevoid]

I had a relapse in the last 10 days after almost 10 years of not doing it anymore... I know what you mean when you feel inside yourself that it's "too much" and that pain frees you from what you feel for a while. Unfortunately, as much as it makes us feel good momentarily, it is not a solution but I understand what you mean.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

That clarity you feel will be short-lived and if you continue doing this then over time you'll likely have to cut deeper and deeper to gain back that feeling of release and clarity. It's a horrible coping mechanism and while I can't stop you, I do urge you to stop while you are at it. I've been a cutter since I was 12 and it's gotten me nowhere. It was only just a few weeks ago, while doing some introspection, that it finally hit me that I needed to stop. Now I have scars that are a permanent part of my body that I have hide. The release isn't worth it.

 

[sirciroc]

I know the stereotype is that self harm is a "teenager thing", but I never cut when I was underage. Most of my self harm was between ages 18-20 and I still do it now (age 23). There's no age limit to self harm or suffering even though people like to pretend there is.

Also: make sure to take care of the wounds so they don't get infected.

Ah thank you. Wouldn't want that. I'll get some dressings on my way home

 

[sirciroc]

I feel the same way. No idea why, but I find some comfort in cutting or scratching my arm. Helps with stress, weirdly enough.

I used to dig my nails into my skin occasionally, but not enough to cut. I usually just kinda smack myself on the face when I feel my mind racing. But it hasn't been working as well. And I look crazy, lol

Sadly, it's not an age thing (half a century under my belt). It is a great relief, to begin with. But in my experience it eventually requires more risk taking behaviour to get the same feeling. I only started last year and I wish I hadn't. I suppose I'm trying to say, please think carefully - try holding ice cubes, or snapping a rubber band against your inner wrist, or use an acupuncture roller instead of a blade.

Thank you. I'll look into the rubber bands. :)

Youngest self harm at 12, oldest in my mid 30s (so far lol), but I can't really recommend it. Now I like my skin and the more I get the more I am happy and when there's not a young scar I feel kinda lame.

But I've also gotten endorphins all sorts of ways that carry less social consequences. Seriously consider that. Power lifting. Endurance running. Those are total opposites in terms of activities and you'll get high af. No noise. And people will look up to you rather than looking sideways.

I want to start my gym journey, but I have no idea what I'm doing and I don't have a buddy. I think I'll take it more seriously though. Everyone is saying to find a healthier method, so I'm going to look for some and hope I don't have to do this again. Or that it won't become a habit

 

[Jorms_McGander]

I used to dig my nails into my skin occasionally, but not enough to cut. I usually just kinda smack myself on the face when I feel my mind racing. But it hasn't been working as well. And I look crazy, lol

Thank you. I'll look into the rubber bands. :)

I want to start my gym journey, but I have no idea what I'm doing and I don't have a buddy. I think I'll take it more seriously though. Everyone is saying to find a healthier method, so I'm going to look for some and hope I don't have to do this again. Or that it won't become a habit

Hair ties are handy for a wrist-snap and they can blend in even easier than a rubber band. Although a rubber band on the wrist is also not that noticeable anyway. Nobody ever asked me; not a single time over like, all of highschool and til I dropped out of college.

I'd also say that you don't need a gym to get your endorphin hit or to get fit or any other part of it. Charles Bronson stays/stayed fit in a solitary confinement prison cell using calisthenics. Such activities that use body weight can really do a number on any individual willing to work--and the activities are endlessly variable so you just go harder and harder. Nothing is required except willingness to work and to hurt.

You don't need a partner either. The big folks at the gym, they ARE using steroids. It's currently in my opinion a pervasive sickness in fitness culture, something like how cosmetic surgery, Botox, fillers, have made an appearance. Just the escalation of competition. IMHO those people are posers and the best way to live is naturally. But I'm a naturally big fella, so, take it with a grain of salt. Stay healthy <3

Hair ties are handy for a wrist-snap and they can blend in even easier than a rubber band. Although a rubber band on the wrist is also not that noticeable anyway. Nobody ever asked me; not a single time over like, all of highschool and til I dropped out of college.

I'd also say that you don't need a gym to get your endorphin hit or to get fit or any other part of it. Charles Bronson stays/stayed fit in a solitary confinement prison cell using calisthenics. Such activities that use body weight can really do a number on any individual willing to work--and the activities are endlessly variable so you just go harder and harder. Nothing is required except willingness to work and to hurt.

You don't need a partner either. The big folks at the gym, they ARE using steroids. It's currently in my opinion a pervasive sickness in fitness culture, something like how cosmetic surgery, Botox, fillers, have made an appearance. Just the escalation of competition. IMHO those people are posers and the best way to live is naturally. But I'm a naturally big fella, so, take it with a grain of salt. Stay healthy <3

I chuckle sometimes cuz I just wanna be in really good shape when I CTB. I wanna have some of my goals accomplished... But I chuckle cuz it's gonna look like I'm preparing to not CTB to people who aren't close enough to have me help them grieve ahead of time