weirdly apathetic towards set date

[viljalauss]

which was meant to be in 2 days. still is
ahh
yea i don't have any justification for myself.
not that i need justification. in an ideal world i would be able to postpone dying and just do it later

also apathy is the most me response i think anyone could possibly have to this

unfortunately i just don't think i could ever get a better time than this one.
- i both won't be at my family home - i will under no circumstances ctb there, and also booking/going to a hotel room while living with them would be impossible - and also won't have to deal with going there. similarly if i get to live alone with my bf, if i book a hotel room out of nowhere / am 'out' at night that will (understandably) be deeply concerning. difference is i would not ctb to avoid a future with him - rather the opposite
- i have a hotel room booked - was one of the last few for that day (that wasn't extortionately expensive), and for the few days after, places seem fully booked. that was even the case when i checked back in april
what else..
- yea exams i've mentioned that. when i say i've done really bad / the results will reflect it it seems like no one's taking that as truth - they just see it as me being self-deprecating. not sure what it would matter for, say, job prospects, since my degree is.. not particularly employable, and if my work were something unrelated the actual grade probably wouldn't matter as much. that said, i think you need a 2:1 (in anything) to get into a lot of places, and ... not looking like that's happening!
- i am very, very, very tired of everything. sure, exams have stopped me going to social gatherings recently, but i feel myself going off the idea of them even after, and even when just among friends (which is normally the case). the idea of drugs seem to no longer be fun - not because they've become a problem, nor because of a changed attitude towards them in general. i tended to approach them in an exploratory way and would continue to do so if i weren't so tired but right now it's just like i don't want to alter my mind and see where it takes me. (unfortunately this also extends to lsd, which is the only thing at all that has completely stopped me being suicidal for a number of hours.) i just want to sleep forever

what if i told you it was all for some stupid songs. not even a fraction of the ones i was working on (i cannot stay focused on one project at a time) literally just two. ok maybe like three or five. but you get it; it's not much at all. finishing all of them would take months and in that time i would doubtless think of new ideas and finishing all of those would take months and in that time.. yea
and they're all shit cause they always turn out that way ) and yet! i don't know why i'm so compelled to finish them. despite the pitiful results the process is always rewarding, but. when i'm dead they literally will not matter.
the date is tuesday evening. i was meant to book a music room for today, then i realised exams would get in the way; then for tomorrow, but i forgot to do that today. could book it for tuesday but that just wouldn't give me nearly enough time to do everything after i voice record. which is quite a bit. (honestly not sure why i was mentally prepared to do it even within two days.. that might have been wishful thinking. anyway)

i don't know what to do!
do i go through with it anyway and let my work go to nothing?
or no?
tbh planning an exit for if/when things go pear-shaped w/my parents within a week doesn't sound half-bad..
and if i don't, what do i even do.. it feels weird to just wait it out
getting some sort of treat could be nice but i sure as hell don't deserve it after exams and also after chickening out of this
idk
not expecting anyone to have answers of course this is word salad and i need to sleep

 

[dopaminedeath]

goodnight

 

[viljalauss]

goodnight

good evening :D

 

[viljalauss]

update no one asked for

in short.. i ate :/ well. had some monster ultra of all things and only ate later after fully realising sn was not gonna happen
i also, ironically, felt far too tired to carry out the plan. it would involve multiple lies and being out from 6:45 to whenever when i'd already been out between 1 and 6 today and both lying to my bf and being out for that long felt and was mentally taxing on top of the already heavy mental tax i won't be getting back. also the hotel is a while away
gonna be interesting for them having someone who just didn't turn up. guess i will have to avoid that one if i'm ever gonna carry this out.

i feel quite dead. i still feel mentally done, though a little less now than 2 hours ago. at that point, all of eating, sleeping, and other ways of gaining energy were so off-putting to think of, because eating would mean i got energy to go through more time and so i would have to, and likewise sleeping meant i would have to wake up the next day.
at that point i didn't wanna face anyone; now i can face seeing my bf and a few friends, though when i was cooking with him i kept stuttering in and out of reality, between walking and using my hands and stalling still out of nowhere. don't think i'll ever be ready to face family, though that's happening on saturday and for multiple moons later

idk how to go on. i want to say that if there is even a small hope of being able to carry out sn plan that i'll hold on to that, and continue putting the same constraints on my actions and on my relationships with people as if i were going to die soon (e.g. not getting back into contact with people i haven't replied to for months - even people i love dearly who have, i'm sure, by now come to think i don't want anything to do with them) because i would be so guilty if i restarted online correspondence with people only to stop talking completely - again - with no hint of where i went. unfortunately, i am starting to mourn those losses. but the same things i planned this to avoid are still and will still be here and devastating, unsurprisingly.

also it's really stupid but i feel so much less valid as a suicidal person (?? there's gotta be a better way to word that but i don't know what it is) because i didn't have an attempt that landed me in hospital - or indeed any attempt at all. not to mention i didn't die today.

it really would have been perfect. if i cared enough to blame anything, it would be myself, and doing so would be immensely justified; but, as it stands, i don't. just funny how the same complete mental tax that made me realise i really was done with further going through with the basic tasks of life stopped me from being able to do the best thing about that.

it may be the only good thing about talking to pro-lifers (i haven't posted about this anywhere except sasu and probably never will out of shame, but have talked to my bf a little bit today - being completely honest about how tired i was feeling (and will continue to feel) and it interfering w/my ability to eat, etc., but also how this is the only life i get to be with him (and indeed cook with him) in) that they will be loudly supportive if you tell or imply that you stopped an attempt from happening. i don't doubt i could get that here, too, but they really do act like it's the best thing in the world and they'll be like 'yay! get yourself a little treat'.. and i do want a little treat

 

[losing hope]

Mate I am giving you a virtual hug right now. I'm sorry you are in this position. Why isn't SN happening for you?

 

[viljalauss]

Mate I am giving you a virtual hug right now. I'm sorry you are in this position. Why isn't SN happening for you?

ah hello! thank you so much <3

honestly nothing more than my own incompetence. that and it took so many steps to plan and also would have taken many steps to do. to be fair, i haven't tested the sn both because i don't have enough sn to do an aquarium test with and i also don't think i would have the mental capacity to interpret the results.. but honestly i trust the seller and the person who recommended it that i would try it anyway.
the chance to take the sn just slipped through my hands, despite everything being in place to facilitate it; for the reasons i have said. i did not anticipate my mental tiredness would be an obstacle to taking the sn (rather, the opposite), but it was. turns out i need to have some sort of drive to secure death for myself and i just have not had that yesterday or today

and i just don't know when else i would get the opportunity. and as i have said and as is clear, it is no one else's fault but mine that i just let this pass! but the possibility (and necessity in my case) of having both a hotel room and set of alibis, possibly enough time to not be found, is so rare.
i think that's all

 

[losing hope]

ah hello! thank you so much <3

honestly nothing more than my own incompetence. that and it took so many steps to plan and also would have taken many steps to do. to be fair, i haven't tested the sn both because i don't have enough sn to do an aquarium test with and i also don't think i would have the mental capacity to interpret the results.. but honestly i trust the seller and the person who recommended it that i would try it anyway.
the chance to take the sn just slipped through my hands, despite everything being in place to facilitate it; for the reasons i have said. i did not anticipate my mental tiredness would be an obstacle to taking the sn (rather, the opposite), but it was. turns out i need to have some sort of drive to secure death for myself and i just have not had that yesterday or today

and i just don't know when else i would get the opportunity. and as i have said and as is clear, it is no one else's fault but mine that i just let this pass! but the possibility (and necessity in my case) of having both a hotel room and set of alibis, possibly enough time to not be found, is so rare.
i think that's all

Morning (at least it is in the UK right now), Hope you are doing better today?

Please don't rush any decisions and think through ALL your options. THe SN you currently have, is that from MDS, as I remember us chatting about that in PM's?