Venting weight loss has been my only real will to live for the past year

[h4ppyhypoxia]

this sounds so stupid, but the more i look back on it, the only real reason ive stayed alive this year is to lose weight, im anorexic, and it sucks so bad, im not even trying to glamorise it here, but losing weight is one of the small comforts i have left in life, having full control over food, i have to ctb soon because the suffering im in feels unbearable, but i just regret having to die in a body that i dont consider thin enough, i dont necessarily want to live longer, i just want to go back in time and make different choices so id be lighter when i ctb

for example, ive just ordered a walking pad + apple watch, i wish i bought them sooner, i really wanted to, but i couldnt justify spending that much money, now im going to ctb i have spent it, i originally planned to just let anorexia kill me one day, then i changed my mind and decided i was going to ctb early next year so i was going to buy the watch and walking pad when i went back to uni so id have a few months of it, but everything has got so much worse for me, and i just cant wait that much longer, so instead of having a few months of peace alone, ill just be dying when i go back there

i have to wait to go back to university (late september) to ctb so i wont have family in the house when i go through with it, but living with other people makes me feel so depressed, i dont have as much control over food, and i hate it, when i was at university i would spend every day looking at foods in the shops, i would go into cafes just to look at the menus and cakes on display and then order a green tea, i cant do this at home really, i basically live in the middle of nowhere, my family doesnt allow me to go on walks bc they know about my eating disorder, and i just feel so trapped

im what is known as a "junkorexic" as well, meaning i prefer to only eat junk food, at university i would live off chocolate bars etc and while it sucked mentally it was the happiest i had ever been, when im at home i cant get away with this, i have to eat a normal meal for dinner which means ive had to cut out so many of my favourite foods and im absolutely miserable

not even just that, i hate living with other people, i hate having other peoples food in the fridge near mine, i hate it when my family buys me food, i hate it when they buy food i like to snack on, i hate it when i buy food and they eat it, i hate it when i am trying to cook and they are in the kitchen, i just really miss my space

im so upset that i will die before reaching my goal weight, thats the only thing i really care about, im sad that a significant portion of the end of my life will be me living in an environment where i have less control over food, i just wish i could spend my final days living alone, but then if i was living alone, i wouldve already ctb, which is what i really deeply want in my soul

i just feel so trapped and fat, i feel like they are watching what i eat, my family know i have an eating disorder but they never shut up about their diets and step counts etc, i feel horrible, i will be spending my last days in more misery than i should be feeling, i wish i could have some space in my final days, thinking about this makes me want to cry, im so trapped

of course i could just delay my date, but i really cant justify staying in this world for the sake of losing a few more kg, if my circumstances were different, id just go through with ctb next year instead, i just wish that i had the knowledge i have now on methods right before the summer so i couldve gone through with it in june at my happy place :/

 

[spectralbunny]

i'm sorry you're struggling with your self image. i've also postponed end dates in the past because i wasn't happy with my body as well, but eventually you just start to want to die more than you care about your weight

i relate to a lot of what you're saying. when i'm sad and hungry, i would rather eat a piece of chocolate. i really love green tea because it feels healthy and it's supposed to suppress appetite. real food just makes me uncomfortable. sometimes it's just nicer to look at but that can trigger cravings. i hope that you are taking care of your teeth if you eat a lot of candy!

it can be really hard to live with family when you don't want to eat. i am grateful that my family cooks sometimes but i can hardly stand to look at food most days and they don't understand. and yes they are always in your space, always in the kitchen at the same time! etc. it's really frustrating. family can be really stubborn with bad habits that affect everyone in the home

i'm really sorry that you are physically trapped inside because of your family. walks are really good for your physical and mental health and i think you should insist since you are an adult. a walk pad sounds like a good investment if you like to get cardio. i'm not sure how good it is for you because of your condition. if you find that you really need money maybe for things like books for uni, i'm sure you can resell your pad and watch somewhere online

i hope that you will stick around a little longer and perhaps talk with a counselor at your uni. i'm not sure of your reason to ctb but it seems like anorexia is causing you a lot of anguish.

 

[peacebenow]

Eating disorders are hell. one day at a time.