edu0z
carried away by a moonlight shadow
- Aug 25, 2021
- 552
"I have discovered that the way of the samurai lies in death" Yamamoto Tsunetomo wrote in his book hagakure. I've turned it over and over again in my head during those nights where you can't sleep and the thinking machine becomes indomitable. I think that he was referring to the fact that only when we have accepted death, we are prepared to live (if that makes any sense, in my head it sounds better haha)
Many things have changed, not only in my life but also in the forum. People who were there before are now gone. I hope that at least you have found the peace that we all so desire in life.
I've been a bad person, even when I help others sometimes I feel like I'm just doing it to feel better about myself for things I've done in the past. I have become what I hated over and over again.
They abused me when I was a child and then when I had power I also abused others. I could say that it felt good but the truth is that no, I don't know why I did it (group psychology, but it's not an excuse). I've been lazy, dying has been my biggest wish for more than 13 years when I was only 9 and I was a scared boy who just wanted to escape from everything and everyone (or I was a girl, we don't even know at this point). ) I guess that to this day I'm still just the same scared kid who wants to escape from everything and everyone and that's why my methods for CTB are like an evolution of my fantasies at that moment (suffocate)
What difference does it make if I'm already dead. I embraced bushido because it made me feel like I had a purpose in life, like I could go into automatic mode and work for something bigger than myself (my family, my friends, a future for everyone). If I'm already dead then my desires don't matter, I don't matter. Of course, all this happened to play against me in the first depressive crisis when you feel that you are no longer useful and that you only annoy everyone and that the world will be a better place when you are gone. At that time harakiri is very palatable and desirable (it even seems honorable)
But sometimes choosing the path of death means continuing to live. The death of selfish desire and continue living for something or someone else... in short, philosophy has never been my forte.
Just when I thought I couldn't sink any lower, I fell into addiction. First there were the benzodiazepines that the psychiatrist prescribed me, and after a couple of weeks when they stopped working, I began to abuse them, then mix them with alcohol, and then I would resort to stronger things. I don't even know if this is well written because I use google translator.
I would like to die right now, leave everything, escape. Others would like it too. I would like to walk out the door of the house with a backpack and hundreds of benzodiazepines. When I am far enough from the place where I was born, take them all along with medication so as not to vomit, and sleep until death (at least I will have traveled, although perhaps I only hope that the trip alone will give me some kind of spiritual revelation and leave of being suicidal)
I am already dead, I have already accepted it. I've wanted to die for a long time and I never thought I'd get this far, after all these years. The only thing I want is to rest.
I gave up a long time ago, and if it weren't for bad planning I would have been dead for years. The last time I seriously tried it was in 2021 and I ended up in the hospital. I survived thanks to a coincidence of fate, but that didn't make me appreciate my life more, it only made me realize that I'm actually already dead.
So why am I writing this?
Oye Lorena estoy usando tu foto, se que estas leyendo esto. Ernesto, Ivan, Manuel... ninguno quiere continuar pero necesitamos saber tu opinion. T. sabe que estas enfadada.
Many things have changed, not only in my life but also in the forum. People who were there before are now gone. I hope that at least you have found the peace that we all so desire in life.
I've been a bad person, even when I help others sometimes I feel like I'm just doing it to feel better about myself for things I've done in the past. I have become what I hated over and over again.
They abused me when I was a child and then when I had power I also abused others. I could say that it felt good but the truth is that no, I don't know why I did it (group psychology, but it's not an excuse). I've been lazy, dying has been my biggest wish for more than 13 years when I was only 9 and I was a scared boy who just wanted to escape from everything and everyone (or I was a girl, we don't even know at this point). ) I guess that to this day I'm still just the same scared kid who wants to escape from everything and everyone and that's why my methods for CTB are like an evolution of my fantasies at that moment (suffocate)
What difference does it make if I'm already dead. I embraced bushido because it made me feel like I had a purpose in life, like I could go into automatic mode and work for something bigger than myself (my family, my friends, a future for everyone). If I'm already dead then my desires don't matter, I don't matter. Of course, all this happened to play against me in the first depressive crisis when you feel that you are no longer useful and that you only annoy everyone and that the world will be a better place when you are gone. At that time harakiri is very palatable and desirable (it even seems honorable)
But sometimes choosing the path of death means continuing to live. The death of selfish desire and continue living for something or someone else... in short, philosophy has never been my forte.
Just when I thought I couldn't sink any lower, I fell into addiction. First there were the benzodiazepines that the psychiatrist prescribed me, and after a couple of weeks when they stopped working, I began to abuse them, then mix them with alcohol, and then I would resort to stronger things. I don't even know if this is well written because I use google translator.
I would like to die right now, leave everything, escape. Others would like it too. I would like to walk out the door of the house with a backpack and hundreds of benzodiazepines. When I am far enough from the place where I was born, take them all along with medication so as not to vomit, and sleep until death (at least I will have traveled, although perhaps I only hope that the trip alone will give me some kind of spiritual revelation and leave of being suicidal)
I am already dead, I have already accepted it. I've wanted to die for a long time and I never thought I'd get this far, after all these years. The only thing I want is to rest.
I gave up a long time ago, and if it weren't for bad planning I would have been dead for years. The last time I seriously tried it was in 2021 and I ended up in the hospital. I survived thanks to a coincidence of fate, but that didn't make me appreciate my life more, it only made me realize that I'm actually already dead.
So why am I writing this?
Oye Lorena estoy usando tu foto, se que estas leyendo esto. Ernesto, Ivan, Manuel... ninguno quiere continuar pero necesitamos saber tu opinion. T. sabe que estas enfadada.
